Fowl Weed Pie, minus the Weed

Time: Several hours

Feeds: An assload of assholes

List of shit:

Exoskeleton:

• 3.5 cups AP flour
• 1 tbsp salt
• 1.5 tsp baking powder
• 1/2 cup shortening
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions
• 1/2 cup ice water
• 1 egg

The Guts:

• 2 cups previously tormented fowl
• 1 carton of fowl juice, 32 oz
• 2 raped onions
• 3/4 cup flour
• 1.5 sticks of butter
• 2 cups frozen peas
• 2 chopped carrots, tortured until tender
• Parsley
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of pepper

Tooling:

• Automated torture device

The assembly of the abominable creation:

Take your churned bovine secretions for the exoskeleton and cut it into tbsp portions.  Add the dry ingredients to the bowl of your automated torture device and begin to mix with the meathook.  Add the churned bovine secretions one at a time, then the shortening.  Do not add the chicken embryo, because it’s for later. Add the ice water and torture until it forms a ball.  Wrap the ball in plastic and stash it in the morgue.

You may boil the cytoplasm in your fowl in pretty much any manner.  Tortured above the coals of Charon is definitely an acceptable method.  You could also coat the bird in herbs and spices, then annihilate in the hatebox.  The choice is yours.

After the dough has rested for an hour or so, get a large pan over a medium high hellfire.  Add the butter to the pan and sautee the peas, onions and carrots.  After a couple of minutes, add the flour and stir until it is thoroughly combined. 

Add the fowl juice and parsley, and let it simmer until thickened.  Don’t forget to add a fuckton of salt and pepper, or else the ritual will fail!

Roll out your raw exoskeleton and use a little more than half of it to line an 11 X 9 casserole dish.  Leave a little excess hanging over the edges of the dish, for sealing.  Fill it with the bubbling mess.  Quickly roll out the rest of the exoskeleton and place it on top of the concoction, crimping it to the bottom layer.  Carve two inverted crosses and one pentagram for proper venting.

Beat that chicken menstruation with a little unholy water.  Brush it on top of the exoskeleton with your bastard brush.

Place into a 375 degree hatebox for about 50 minutes.  Extract and allow it to cool for about a half hour.  Cut and consume.  

Beast Loaf

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: A family of heathens

Hit list:

• 2lbs ground bovine creature
• Fuckton of black pepper
• Fuckton of salt
• 1.5 cups panko bread crumbs
• 1 discarded chicken embryo
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1 tsp chili powder
• 1/2 yellow bell pepper, raped with a knife
• 1/2 red bell pepper, raped
• 1 carrot
• 1 onion, raped

Beast Blood:

• 1/2 cup ketchup
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp tabasco sauce
• 1 tbsp honey
• 1/2 tsp cumin
• 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce

Tools for the job:

• The destroyer

The rendering of the beast meat:

Start by combining all of the dry ingredients, except crumbs, in the destroyer and pulse it a couple of times to combine.  Next, add the peppers, onion, carrot and use the destroyer to chop them to death. 

Put your beast meat in a bowl with the egg.  Add the, Asian crumbs and ruined vegetables to the mix.  Combine with your bare hands, and notice how the cold, beast flesh feels wonderfully lifeless between your fingers.

Form into a loaf.  Put on a flat cookie sheet lined with parchment paper and torture at 350 hate units until the internal temperature is 150 degrees.      

While it is torturing, combine the ingredients for the blood.  When the beast loaf is done, paint the blood onto its exterior, and torture for another 10 minutes or so.  Let it rest for about 10 minutes, then use a carving dagger for dividing out portions among your minions.

Phallic Bush Vegetable Casserole

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 godless souls, as a side dish

List:

• 2 cups green beans
• 1/2 stick butter
• 1 cup sliced fungus
• 1 small onion, raped with a knife
• 3 cups fowl juice
• 1 can cream of fungus soup
• 8 ounces of faggot fried onion rings
• 1 cup cheddar coagulated bovine secretions
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp black pepper

From Bush to Beast Belly:

Go to your evil garden in which you sacrifice animals and use their corpses as fertilizer.  Pick your beans from the untamed bushes.  Wash the filth and poison pesticides away with unholy water and break off the stems. 

Next, melt your butter in a pan over medium hellfire.  Add the raped onions and fungus.  Boil your bush beans in the fowl juice for 10 minutes, until tenderized through torture.  Preheat your hatebox to 350. Add everything else to the pan, minus the cheddar coagulations and probe until combined.

Lube up a casserole dish and fill it with the bubbling mess.  Torture for 20 minutes.  Extract, add the cheddar coagulations, and torture for 10 more minutes.  Extract and devour. 

Devil Dicks

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: A couple of assholes

Shit List:

• 12 jalapeno peppers
• 1 8oz package of cream churned bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup cheddear bovine secretions
• 3 slices swine gut
• 1 cup bovine secretions
• 1/2 cup AP flour
• 1 cup breadcrumbs
• 2 quarts canola oil
• Fuckton of salt

Required tooling:

• Cauldron of oily expiration

The Ritual:

First, extract your block of cream coagulated bovine secretions and allow them to come to room temperature.  Next,  sear your swine gut.  Slice the jalapenos long ways, and remove the seeds and most of the membrane.  Do this barehanded, so you will get capsaicin in your cuticles and have the option of tasting them, or poking into someone’s eye later.

Add all of the coagulations to a bowl and mix thoroughly with the crumbled swine gut.  Prehate your oil in the cauldron to 375 degrees.

Stuff the severed, spicy dicks with the coagulations.  Dip them in the milk then roll in the flour.  Allow them to dry for about 10 minutes.  Then dip back into the milk and roll in the breadcrumbs.  Allow to dry for another 10 minutes, then repeat again. 

After they have dried, dunk into the searing oil bath for 3-4 minutes until they have browned sufficiently.  Extract, immediately douse in salt and consume.  

Deep Shit Pizza

Time: All fucking day

Feeds: A bunch of assholes

Death list:

Body:

•          1 1/2 cup warm unholy water
•          1.25 tbsp yeast
•          1/3 cup non-fat dry bovine secretions
•          1 tbsp salt
•          1 tbsp sugar
•          4.25 cups AP flour
•          4 tbsp canola oil
•          Cooking spray

Blood:

•         1 can tomato sauce
•         1 tsp oregano
•         1/2 tsp marjoram
•        1/2 tsp basil
•         1/2 tsp garlic powder
•         1/2 tsp onion powder
•         1/4 tsp salt
•          Fuckton of crushed red pepper

The soul:

•          Meat of your choice
•          Vegetables of your choice
•          1/4 cup canola oil
•          Mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions

Required Torture Tools:

•         Automated mutilation device

The Creation of the Shit Pie:

Being with a prayer to the dark lord, asking for strength and if necessary, an appearance to aid with the cleanup, which will be extensive.  Measure out your unholy water and add the sugar and microscopic zombies.  Stir well with a clean dagger to combine.

Add the rest of the shit to the bowl of your automated mutilation device and attach the meathook.  After about 10 minutes, add the microscopic zombie liquid, then use the machine to beat the shit out of the contents of the bowl until it forms a ball.  If it’s too sticky add some more flour until it it gets smooth. 

While the body is being beaten into oblivion, you can make the blood of the pie.  Just mix everything together well, and cover.  Stash in the morgue until you need it.

Next, obtain two cast iron pans and divide the dough appropriately.  Dump the canola oil into the pans and add the raw dough.  Blast with cooking spray, cover with a loin cloth and stash in an approximate 110 degree hatebox for several hours, or until the shit has risen to fill the pans.

When the zombies have filled the beaten flour with enough flatulence to fill out the pans, extract and preheat your hatebox to 500.  Use a small flesh shovel to carefully add the blood to the top of the pie.  Spread it out to about 1/2" from the edge.

Take a handful of mozzarella bovine coagulations and sprinkle onto bloody portion.  Now add meat, beginning with flat meat.  Next, vegetables.  When you’re done, sprinkle with as much coagulations as you want, but don’t exceed one cup. 

Torture each in the hatebox for 7 minutes, then check to see if your shit pie is done.  Generally, if the coagulations have browned, then it has received enough punishment.  Extract, and use a probing device to remove from the pan.  Place on a cutting board and use a wheeled dagger to slice.  Consume.

Dry Winey Fowl with Bovine Secretions and Fungus

Time: About as long as it takes to listen to Far Beyond Driven

Feeds: 3 or 4 douchebags

Execution list:

• 2 bird boobies
• 1 piece of thick cut swine gut
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1/4 onion, raped to pieces
• 2 cloves of garlic, smashed and slashed
• 2 cups beef juice
• 1 cup marsala jesus blood, or dry bleached jesus blood
• 6 oz sliced button mushrooms
• 1/4 cup heavy bovine secretions
• Fuckton of pepper

Killing time!

Begin by slapping your swine gut on a torture board and slice it into small pieces.  Add it to a searing pan atop your hellfire generator, which should be set to medium high hellfire.  Add the olive oil and onions. 

Take your titties and slice into strips.  Add them to the sweltering inferno, and sear on each side.  Now add the fungus and vampire repellent until the fungus is rendered completely dead.  Pour in the jesus blood, followed by the beef juice. 

Stir with a probing device for awhile, then add the bovine secretions.   Allow the atrocious mess to simmer for a few minutes until the liquid becomes similar to the consistency of mucus.  Further defile by grinding a fuckton of pepper over the mess, then consume.  

Fowl Casserole

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: An assload of assholes

The kill list:

• 2 fowl titties, bone in
• Fuckton of salt
• Black pepper
• One can cream of fungus soup
• One can cream of fowl soup
• 1 cup carrots, raped
• 1 cup celery, raped
• 1 cup broccoli, raped to pieces
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1 tube of buttery round crackers (rhymes with spits)
• ½ cup melted churned bovine secretions
• 1 tbsp celery seed
• 2 cups shredded cheddar coagulated bovine secretions (optional)

The Shredding of the Dead Bird Boobies:

Start by preparing a cauldron of boiling unholy water atop your hellfire generator.  Boil the bird melons for about 30 minutes, or until they are mostly done.  While you’re waiting, study your Necronomicon or masturbate. 

When the boobies are done, extract and tear to shreds.  Feed the fat to a small child, so they develop a horrendous weight problem from fat addiction.  If the titties too hot for your tender, gay hands to touch, wait awhile and use the time to boil the vegetables in the unholy water used to torture the tits.  Place the carrots in the cauldron first.  After 3 minutes, add the celery.  After 3 more minutes add the broccoli.  After 4 minutes, drain. 

While this is going on, prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  After your vegetables are tenderized and your boobies are shredded, mix the soups, sour cream salt and pepper in a bowl with a probing device.  Put the shredded boob meat into a greased 11X9 casserole dish and cover evenly with the soup mixture.

Grab the unopened pack of crackers and pound them to dust.  Now open the pack and sprinkle evenly on top of the sickening mess.  Use a small probing device to douse with the melted churned secretions of the bovine creature, and sprinkle with celery seed.

Torture in the hatebox for 30 minutes.  Afterwards, you may extract, cover in the cheddar coagulations, and place back into the box for 5 minutes, or until melted.  Devour. 

Charonized Broccoli

Time: 1 fucking hour

Feeds: a bunch of fuckers, as a side dish

Shit you’ll need:

• Two or three broccoli bunches
• Juice from one half lemon
• Small amount of salt
• Black pepper
• Crushed red pepper
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 1 cup grated parmesan bovine secretions

Equipment:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The Slaying of the Edible Green Plant:

Start by decapitating each broccoli until you have a bunch of tiny heads rolling around.  Next, set into a bowl and mix with everything except the grated bovine secretions.  Let it soak in misery for at least one half hour. 

While you wait, begin a raging inferno in your Charon box.  Odds are, you’re already planning on searing some dead animal on the box, so you’re probably covered.

After the time has elapsed, coat the tiny green heads in the fucking cheese. Place evenly above the flames of hatred, and close the lid.  Wait approximately 5 minutes, checking every 2 minutes, depending on your level of hate heat.  You want to make the decapitations suffer immensely, but do not render them black, like a total asshole/idiot would do. 

After they are bright green with coagulations browned, they are done.  Extract and serve alongside your favorite dead animal.