Hamaroni and Cheese

Cooking time: A whole goddamn hour >:0

What you'll need:

• 1/2 pound macaroni
• 3/4 cup sharp cheddar
• 3/4 cup mild cheddar
• 4 ounces of cooked ham cubes (optional)
• 1/2 a white onion
• 2 slices of bread
• Cayenne red pepper
• Shitloads of butter
• Black pepper
• Sea salt (or regular salt, it probably doesn't matter)

Here's how:

Preheat that oven to 375 hate units. Meanwhile, boil the noodles. I don't really time this, I just cook 'em for a while, and if someone complains that the noodles are too tough, just call them weak.

Chop half a white onion into unfathomably small pieces. Imagine you've got to dispose of a body and DNA testing hasn't been invented yet. Meanwhile, melt a shitload of butter in a pot. Remember, more butter is better (but if you need an exact number, I don't know, 2 tbsp.?)

When the butter is melted, dump in the onions. Cook them for a few minutes. Dump in 1/8 cup of flour and mix it up. Then dump in 2 cups of milk. Yep, you just took a huge dump all over that butter, and it's going to f'n rule. Cook this massive dump until it bubbles, which will take about 5 minutes.

Drain the noodles and set them aside. Put 3/4 cup of each type of shredded cheese in the pot and stir 'til it melts. This'll make it taste good enough, but now's your chance to throw in some hate powder. Get real liberal with cayenne red pepper, ground black pepper, and sea salt. Now add the noodles.

If you forget to slaughter a pig by this point, don't worry. This recipe works all right without flesh. Just plan better next time, okay? If you have ham, add it to the noodle cheese now. Pour the whole thing into a baking rectangle.

Put two slices of bread in a blender and say something hilarious like "This is for breaking into my truck!" before pressing the purée button. Mix the bread crumbs with more cheddar cheeses. Now pour the bread cheese on the mac n' cheese.

Shove the whole thing in the hate furnace for 30 minutes, uncovered. That's it. If someone tries to tell you that it sucks, they're obviously a moron and should be slapped with the gauntlet.

Badass Steak w/ Mushroom Sauce

Cooking time: Something like 15 minutes

What you'll need:

• Ribeye steak, or whatever meat, just make sure it was once alive and walking and is now dead
• 4 oz white mushrooms
• 1/2 a white onion
• 2 cloves of garlic
• Cilantro or parsley (or not, who cares)
• Shitloads of butter
• Worcestershire sauce
• Sea salt (or regular salt, it probably doesn't matter)

Here's how:

Note: Most importantly, you need to decide how to cook your flesh. You can probably grill it, broil it, or whatever, but if you do it in the pan then you can use the delicious boiled cytoplasm in the mushroom sauce, pushing it from "Goddamn, that's good" to "I would kill someone for more of that!"

First, melt about 2 tbsp of butter in a pan, then throw your flesh in there and cook it 3–4 minutes per side on medium heat. When it's done, put it somewhere warm so you don't end up with cold steak (because no one likes cold steak, especially the ladies!) You should end up with a delicious boiling butter/cytoplasm mixture.

While the flesh is making its physical change, chop up the plants and fungus. Take 4 oz. of white mushrooms (about 8 of the fuckers) and slice them into 4 slices each. Now chop up the onions until they're so small you can barely tell what they once were (you should end up with about 1/3 cup). Either crush the garlic or mince it. I prefer mincing because it sounds more brutal.

Flesh removed, dump the mushrooms, onions, and garlic in the pan and stir them around. Now pour in 2 tsp. of worcestershire sauce, 1 tsp. of sea salt, and add something like 3–4 tbsp. of butter. That shit's good. Cook and stir it until the mushrooms are soft and the onions are almost clear. At this point your nostrils should be in a blood-thirsty rage, pissing off your stomach and making your teeth grind with anticipation.

Put the meat back in the pan and stir it all around for a minute or so, and add the cilantro or parsley if you like little green shit all over your food that looks kind of good. Put the meat on a plate and smear plants and fungus all over it. If there's remaining sauce, pour it in a glass and sit in a chair with it all night, growling at anyone that comes near you. Or pour it over the food.

Enjoy this mushroom sauce, because you're not going to be able to once you're dead.