Goddamn Awfuls

Time: As long as it fucking takes

Feeds: 2-4 hungry cunts

Items to be destroyed:

• 2 cups of flour
• 1.75 cups of bovine secretions
• 2 aborted bird embryos
• 2 tbsp sugar
• 4 tsp baking powder
• A pinch of a fuckton of salt
• 1/2 cup of vegetable oil

Sickening syrup:

• 1/2 cup of water
• 1/2 cup of sugar
• 1/2 cup of brown sugar
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp cinnamon

The ritual:

In a large bowl, combine all of the dry items on the shitlist and mix.  Then add all of the wet shit and stir until most of the goddamn clumps are gone.  Don’t stir it too much or else your awfuls will actually be awful, because they’ll be too fucking tough. 

Spoon enough batter into a preheated awful iron and cook until they are golden brown.  Mine takes about 8 minutes per awful, but adjust accordingly.  Also, don’t overload the awful iron with the sickening concoction, because it’ll expand and make a huge fucking mess.  If you make a huge fucking mess, the dark lord will not be pleased.

If you’re like most fuckers and you don’t have syrup, you can make your own.  Just boil the listed components in a cauldron until it thickens up.  If you have maple extract, use that instead of cinnamon if you wish.  However, nobody has that shit on hand, I’m sure, unless they’re from the great dark north where that shit comes from. 

Slather the searing hot waffles with the scalding, sickening syrup and devour.  

Cheesy Causticflower

Time:  30 min

The shitlist:

•      1 large head of causticflower
•      3 tbsp churned bovine secretions
•     1 cup heavy bovine secretions
•     1 tbsp dry mustard
•     1 tbsp garlic powder
•     1 tbsp onion, raped with a knife into infinitesimally small pieces
•      2 oz cream cheese coagulations
•     Fuckton of hot sauce
•     Fuckton of salt and pepper
•     2 cups of shredded sharp cheddar coagulations

Start by dismantling the decapitated head of causticflower into pieces about the size of elbow macaroni.  If you think your particular demons crave larger of smaller pieces, then feel free to deviate from the suggested size.

Place the mutilated bits of causticflower into a bowl and cover with plastic wrap.  Torture in your nuclear hatebox for 5 minutes.  Remove, bare-handed, searing your weak flesh in the process.  Add 1 tbsp of churned bovine secretions to the bowl along with a fuckton of salt, stir, recover and reintroduce it to the cancerous waves of hate for 3 minutes

Meanwhile, preheat your hatebox to 350.  Place a large pot atop your hellfire generator and turn up the hate to medium.  Melt the remaining two tbsp. of churned secretions and torture the onion for a couple of minutes.  Introduce the mustard, garlic powder, salt and pepper to the excruciatingly agonizing greasy death bath and stir.  Add the cream cheese coagulations, and constantly stir until they dissolve into a sickening mess.  Add the hot sauce and heavy bovine secretions and keep stirring.

When the cauldron of nauseating liquid begins to simmer, kill the hate heat and stir in 1.5 cups of cheddar coagulations.  Stir until it is as smooth as pus.  Pour in the agonized causticflower and mix well.  Pour this filthy concoction into a lubed baking dish.  Top with the remaining shredded coagulations and introduce it to the preheated hatebox for 15 minutes.  When the mutilated and defiled causticflower and take no more, extract and consume.