Tits n' Tubers

Cooking time: 20 minutes

Get ready:

• Two or more chicken titties
• At least 4 red potatoes
• 1-2 strips of bacon
• Bread crumbs
• Shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• Garlic salt

How it's made:

Tits are chicken breasts. Tubers are potatoes.

So you're making chicken and potatoes. You make them at the same time because you're going to share cauldrons and ingredients between the two, all right? They're just not as hateful separately.

Start by searing a strip of bacon in a screaming hot flat cauldron until it spews out all its fluids and mostly shuts up. Burn the little bastard until it's almost smoking, then remove it to a paper towel to await corspegrinding.

At the same time, cut red potatoes into eighths. For hell's sake, don't wash them! They'll get a bath in the boiling cauldron of doom. Boil a pot of water and feed them all in, delighting in the painful splashes of scorching hot water. Boil them as long as you like so that they are very soft in the middle.

Now cover the chicken tits in bread crumbs and shredded cheddar, and then throw them into the juices of the sacrificed bacon. You may have trouble keeping the cheese on, but just make sure some of it gets in the pain and it's under the chicken. The cheese will begin to fry. After about 5 minutes, flip the chicken to the other side and douse some more cheese on the now-cooked side (quickly, so it melts from the heated bacon fluids).

When the chicken is done, remove and set aside. Drain the potatoes and hurl them into the bacon fluids that now contain bits of fried cheese. Stir them around so they cook equally on all sides, and crumble the sacrificed bacon so tiny flesh sprinkles decorate the plants. Now rub the bacon residue from your hands all over your body and encourage your slave to clean your defiled skin with its tongue. When the potatoes are golden brown on the outside (just a few minutes) your delightful tit n' tuber meal is ready to consume.

Maliciously Marinated Seared Swine

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: 4 or 5 of your douchebag friends.  Less if your friends are fat.

Consumables: 

• One pork tenderloin
• Charcoal grill
• 2 tbsp clover bee vomit
• 1 cup soy sauce
• Juice from one lime
• 1 tsp black pepper
• ½ tbsp ginger
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 2 tbsp crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp parsley

Sacrificial Ceremony:

Begin by pouring the two tablespoons of the bee vomit into a large bowl.  Next place in your nuclear reactor for approximately 20 seconds.  This softens up the regurgitations, allowing it to mix easily with the other ingredients.  Now add the other fluids and powders then mix to create the malevolent potion.

Put your chunk of swine into a sealable bag and cover in the callous concoction.  Allow it to soak up as much of the wickedness as possible.  This fluid along with the luscious loin of filthy swine will give you the strength to serve the will of our Unholy Lord by fueling your heinous soul.  Be sure to save some of fluid for basting while the flesh swelters over the fiery inferno.

You will have plenty of time to contemplate how to fulfill the deeds in which Satan has assigned while the meat soaks up the solution.  After you dig approximately one and a half graves in moderately rocky soil during a full moon, the swine will be ready for torture upon the grate of Charon.   

After the time has elapsed, set fire to the pit of blazing anguish.  Place the raw flesh directly over the burning coals from the shores of the River Styx and close the lid.  Turn every 5 minutes, brushing on more of the ghoulish gravy until desired doneness is achieved.

Demon Digits

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: You and at least one of your gay friends.

The hate list:

• Two humongous boneless chicken boobies
• Two chicken embryos
• A small amount of bovine secretions
• A couple of cups of pulverized wheat
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• An assload of lard (or shortening)
• A metric fuckton of salt
• Black pepper
• Cayenne pepper
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder
• Sauce from The Wings of Satan

Persecution of the titties:

Start by rendering your fat into a liquid by heating a large skillet on top of your incineration box.  The scalding fat needs to be at least 375 degrees to make this work, so it’s wise to have a thermometer handy.  Of you can test it with your finger.  If the skin falls right off, you know you're ready for torture. 

Next, slam your C cup nippled mountains down on a mutilation board and retrieve your largest dagger.  Recite the Satanic Battle Hymn as you slice each jug into strips, about 1" wide. Dust with the evil concoction of spices you had the forethought to combine beforehand. Abort the unborn fowl and empty the embryonic fluid into a bowl.  Add a little bit of bovine secretions and whisk vigorously to combine.  Place your disfigured flesh pillows into the terminated pregnancy fluid. 

Combine the flour and baking powder, which will then become the Cocaine of Satan.  Roll the appallingly disfigured and humiliated boob meat generously in the symbolic drug, and toss into the blistering fat.  Let it swelter in the pan of persecution until they are golden brown.

Remove and drain.  After a couple of minutes, add to a bowl with however much demon blood you desire.  The more you use, the more hellish the fingers will be.  Mix and devour.