Tits n' Tubers

Cooking time: 20 minutes

Get ready:

• Two or more chicken titties
• At least 4 red potatoes
• 1-2 strips of bacon
• Bread crumbs
• Shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• Garlic salt

How it's made:

Tits are chicken breasts. Tubers are potatoes.

So you're making chicken and potatoes. You make them at the same time because you're going to share cauldrons and ingredients between the two, all right? They're just not as hateful separately.

Start by searing a strip of bacon in a screaming hot flat cauldron until it spews out all its fluids and mostly shuts up. Burn the little bastard until it's almost smoking, then remove it to a paper towel to await corspegrinding.

At the same time, cut red potatoes into eighths. For hell's sake, don't wash them! They'll get a bath in the boiling cauldron of doom. Boil a pot of water and feed them all in, delighting in the painful splashes of scorching hot water. Boil them as long as you like so that they are very soft in the middle.

Now cover the chicken tits in bread crumbs and shredded cheddar, and then throw them into the juices of the sacrificed bacon. You may have trouble keeping the cheese on, but just make sure some of it gets in the pain and it's under the chicken. The cheese will begin to fry. After about 5 minutes, flip the chicken to the other side and douse some more cheese on the now-cooked side (quickly, so it melts from the heated bacon fluids).

When the chicken is done, remove and set aside. Drain the potatoes and hurl them into the bacon fluids that now contain bits of fried cheese. Stir them around so they cook equally on all sides, and crumble the sacrificed bacon so tiny flesh sprinkles decorate the plants. Now rub the bacon residue from your hands all over your body and encourage your slave to clean your defiled skin with its tongue. When the potatoes are golden brown on the outside (just a few minutes) your delightful tit n' tuber meal is ready to consume.