Roman Entrails

Estimated time: 1 hour

Feeds: At least 5 followers

Shitlist:

• 2 lbs pulverized beef
• 1 medium white onion
• 5 or 6 cloves of garlic
• Fresh basil
• Fresh oregano
• Sage
• Marjoram
• ½ cup parmesan cheese
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1lb penne pasta
• 1-2 cups mozzarella cheese

Bring forth the suffering

Begin with a silent prayer to Lord Satan.  Ask for the strength to endure through the orchestrated slaughter which will soon take place within the confines of your humble kitchen.  If you’re a servant in high esteem, you will have no problem achieving victory, resulting in the consumption of your enemies’ entrails.

Start by lining a medium sized pot with the olive oil then place upon a medium high inferno.  Dice the onion and add ¾ of it to a sweltering, oily death.  Meanwhile, destroy your garlic and add ¾ of it to the cauldron after the Satanic powers have rendered the onions translucent. 

Next, get a big, motherfucking skillet and ignite the flames of Hell beneath it.  Toss in the meat of the bovine creature, which surely met a painful and humiliating death in a forsaken building constructed for such sadistic purposes.  Add the rest of the onion, garlic, ¼ of the herbs (¾ of the sage) and a metric fuckton of salt and pepper .  Scorch the beast meat until it is brown and thoroughly dead. 

Add the rest of the herbs to the onions/garlic and stir.  Allow them a few moments for them to absorb the hate heat, which is similar to what your soul will feel for the rest of eternity once your worthless shell of a body has exhaled its last breath.  Pour in the canned, mutilated fruit (you can pretend it’s forbidden, since our Dark Lord is a fan of that particular tale) and add some goddamn salt.  Rub some salt into your eyes and curse the hand god for making you vulnerable to such ridiculous amounts of pain through a seemingly insignificant action.  In your temporary rage and blindness, add the parmesan cheese and stir as best you can.  If done correctly, Satan will be spiritually aiding with this process, making failure impossible. 

After the Roman blood has began to boil, reduce the flames and ignite yet another fiery inferno beneath a large pot of salt water.  Your meat should be nearing the end of its torture session, and you will need to add the sliced mushrooms for a brief period.  Preheat the incinerator to 350 and drain the death fluid from the dead carcass shreds. 

Once the salt water is boiling with rage, add the penne, which is what will give substance of the dish of evil you will soon be consuming.  Boil the floury intestines al dente, then drain.  Add the bovine remnants to the blood and mix.  Next return the ancient intestines to a pot, and combine with the flesh and blood.  Stir while thinking about how the pope would be weeping if he knew of the insult you have brought to his followers by preparing the entrails of their ancestors for consumption.  This is what they get for popularizing a religion that you hold in great disdain!   

Transfer the bloody mess to a 13X9 glass baking dish and cover with aluminum foil.  Laugh about how maybe the Roman Empire wouldn’t have fallen if they had been clever enough to properly use this element, which has proved quite useful to mankind since the first production in 1825.  Throw into your hatebox for 20 minutes.  This will be plenty of time to apply corpse paint and fashion a pope hat out of paper for the ceremonial desecration of a god held up by a feeble people. 

When the time is up, remove the metal and add the mozzarella cheese.   Place under the broiler for 2 minutes, or until brown.  Allow to rest for a few minutes, then consume.  You may save the remains for the following day.  Just cover with more metal and reheat at 200 degrees for about 30 minutes.