Agonizing Awakening with Swine and Potato

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 4 hellions

Consumable inventory:

• 1 tube of breakfast sausage
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 bell pepper, diced
• 2 or 3 jalapeños, diced
• 6-8 button mushrooms, quartered
• 4 red potatoes, maimed into cubes
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 chicken embryos
• 1 cup extra sharp cheddar Cheese

Wake up to the nightmare:

Begin with a silent prayer to Satan, thanking him for a world in which you can easily purchase swine that was led to slaughter and ground into paste with delicious spices and seasonings.  Next, start an inferno beneath a large skillet and add the entire contents of the tube.  Crumble it up with your probing device, keeping the pieces relatively small. 

After the scorching of the swine is near its finish, remove and add the potatoes.  Stir them around until they are mostly cooked, then add the rest of the vegetables and fungus.  If you’re a pussy (in which Satan does not approve) you will have removed the seeds and membranes from the jalapeños.  This kind of action is what causes St. Peter to potentially overlook your other numerous sins, and you certainly don’t want that!  Add salt and pepper and continue to stir until the potatoes are done, then remove the brutal concoction and add to the nauseating mess of seared swine meat.

The executed roots will have soaked up all of the beast juice from the pan, so you’ll have to replenish this with the butter.  While it is melting, abort your embryos into a large bowl.  Blend together their nucleic acids and add to the pan.  Keep the embryonic fluid moving so you get a good scramble, while adding salt and pepper during the process. 

When the aborted fowl fluid has taken nearly all it can stand, reintroduce all of the prior ingredients into the blazing inferno and stir.  Once it is thoroughly reheated, add the cheese and fold in.  When it has melted into a semi-agglutinated mess, serve and devour.