FREE RANDY Fillets and Fries

Estimated time: Several days

Feeds: As many fuckers as you want.  Fish are free and readily available for sacrifice.

Components:

• Several fresh fish fillets
• 2 cups buttermilk
• ¼ cup flour
• Minuscule amount of baking powder
• 1 cup cornmeal
• Salt
• A bunch of russet potatoes
• More salt
• Pepper
• Lots and lots of oil (Canola or higher quality.  Peanut is best)

Cook with me in Hell!

At present time, Randy Blythe of Lamb of God has been wrongly imprisoned in the Czech Republic.  Please perform this unholy ritual with Randy in your thoughts, since it’s hard to smuggle a file in a fish fillet and ship it to the Czech prison he is currently being held in.  Besides, the fish would rot before it got to him anyway and would probably be devoured by the goddamn Czech officials, who undoubtedly consider rancid fried fish to be a delicacy.    

Begin by catching your own fish.  12-14” largemouth or spotted bass work exceptionally well for this.  “But I don’t know how to catch fish,” you say?  Well, you’re life is of absolutely no value if you can’t go out and kill your own protein.  You’ll surely be kept out of Hell after death if you are truly that worthless.

Use your dagger to fillet the fish you managed to score from your local, polluted water source.  Soak the fillets in the rotten milk over night, which will firm up the dead flesh. 

Fill up your deep fryer with oil and set to its highest temperature.  Using your trusty dagger, slice your potatoes into fries and submerge in cold salt water.  When oil is ready, thoroughly drain and dry your mutilated roots, place in the basket and drop into the oil.  If you fail to dry the potatoes properly, the violent reaction of the oil will leave horrendous scars on your arms, face and possibly, genitals.  If this is what you’re into, then go ahead and drop them in wet. 

After two minutes of unimaginable torture, remove the fries and let them suspend over the oil until the temperature has returned to its maximum.  While you are waiting, you may use the time to loosen up any stubborn spuds that have gotten stuck to the basket wall.  I also salt them at this stage, because salt is the universal seasoning of our dark lord.  After the desired temperature is achieved, drop them back in.  After the fries are golden brown, remove and drain.  Salt them one last time and place in a bowl lined with paper towels. 

Mix up the flour, cornmeal and baking powder.  Extract the flesh from the bloodied rotten milk and coat with salt and pepper.  Then dip the flesh into the flour/cornmeal and drop into the fryer.  The fish will float up when done after about 2-4 minutes.  Remove, drain, salt yet again and devour.