Slash Browns

This hash brown recipe has an exciting knife twist: the "slash" comes from the slice in the neck of your sacrificial pig and the subsequent cuts into its abdomen to excise delicious belly flesh. If you don't have access to a pig, or live in an urban area not friendly to raucous slaughter, simply watch a video from the inside of a slaughterhouse before each preparation as a substitute.

Cooking time: 20 minutes

List of the former living:

• 6 or more strips of bacon
• 3 Russet potatoes
• 1/4 cup chopped onion

Slash n' Burn:

Prepare a cauldron of cold saltwater.

Peel 3 Russet potatoes and grate them into long strips of tuber. The longer the strips, the better. Soak the strips in the cauldron of cold saltwater.

Sear 6 strips of belly flesh in a cast iron torture pan and remove. Do what thou wilt with the rendered bacon. DO NOT DRAIN THE LIQUIFIED CYTOPLASM AND FAT OR THE RITUAL WILL FAIL.

Drain the shredded potatoes and place them in the center of an open ritual towel. Wrap the four corners up like a hobo's bindle and twist over a drain until no further liquid spews from the ritual towel.

While the bacon fluids are still hot, scatter the potatoes upon it and delight in the spattering torturous beads of scalding liquid that are released into the atmosphere. When the potatoes around the edge of the pan begin to turn black and smoke, flip and scatter the entire torture pan's contents.

Douse the still-suffering potatoes in salt, black pepper, and chopped onions. After a few minutes, remove and consume. Cut yourself if desired.