Swine Fry

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: A large Asian nation

Hit list:

• 2 lbs swine chops, raped into 1/2” pieces
• 1/2 lb broccoli
• 1 onion
• 2 carrots
• 1 red bell pepper
• 1 yellow bell pepper
• 1/2 lb snow peas
• 1 pack button mushrooms
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp sesame oil
• 1 can water chestnuts
• 1 can bamboo

For sauce:

• 1 cup fowl juice
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 2 tbsp peanut butter
• 2 tbsp ginger
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1 tbsp bee vomit
• 2 tsp rice vinegar
• 1 tbsp Asian hot sauce
• ¼ tsp black pepper
• 1 tbsp sesame seed oil
• 2 tbsp corn starch

Machinery of torture:

• Immersion pulverizer
• The pan of the Emperor

The Campaign to Conquer the Swine:

Begin by mutilating your vegetables with a dagger.  Chop the onions, slice the peppers, shred the carrots, decapitate the heads of the broccoli and quarter the fungus.  Be sure to wash the filth from the corpses of the vegetables or else you’ll be dining on gastronomy tainted with gastrointestinal waste. Now drain the cans of exotic plant life.  Reflect upon the ferocity the goddamn Mongolians once possessed, but lost because they must have developed into some sort of pussies.  

Next, heat up your oils in the Emperor’s torturing vessel over medium high hellfire.  Now add the swine chunks and persecute.  Probe for 6 minutes and 66 seconds and remove.  Add more oil if necessary, then add the disfigured vegetables. 

Deposit all of the ingredients for the sauce in a 2 cup measuring cup, destroy with the immersion pulverizer and set aside.  Let these vegetables suffer until the color of the broccoli and peppers begin to turn bright from extreme torment.  Now drain off most of the death fluids that have accumulated.  Next, reintroduce the meat and pour in the sauce.  Persecute and probe until the sauce has thickened and coated all of the lifeless organisms. 

Extract and serve with rice or discarded menstruation noodles. 

Beelzebub Fowl

Time: 2 hr 15 min

Feeds: 2 hungry, hungry fuckers

Organisms to extinguish:

• 2 tig ol fowl bitties, bone in, skin on
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 1/4 + 1 fuck ton of salt
• 2 tbsp chili powder
• 2 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp dried minced onion
• 2 cups bleached jesus blood (moscato)
• 2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 1.5 tsp Old Bay
• 1 tsp black pepper
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1/4 cup bacon fat
• 1/4 cup ketchup
• 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar
• 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
• 4 tbsp honey

Persecution paraphernalia:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• Bastard Brush

The Execution of the Death Sentence:

Begin by depositing all of the ingredients (minus the fun bags) into a medium sized cauldron.  Bring the mixture to a boil, stirring every minute or so.  In about a goddamn hour, the shit will have reduced and become sticky.  If yours is thick and sticky way before that, then congratulations, you’re a quick Beelzebub sauce-making asshole. 

While your Beelzebub sauce was furiously boiling in the cauldron, you should have taken the time to ignite an inferno in your Charon box.  When the sauce is done, use the bastard brush to paint a small amount of sauce on the bird balloons.  Be sure you get under the skin too, so you can get some flavor on the flesh.

Pour a small amount of sauce in a bowl and set aside.  Introduce the bastard boobs to the grate above the hellfire, making sure the skin side is up and persecute for about 5 minutes.  Flip and pay close attention to prevent flare ups.  Direct fire will burn the living shit out of the titties, rendering them less succulent later on.  If an open flame develops, move the bresticles to another location above the flame so they aren't carbonized to death.  We’re looking for a slow, torturous extermination here. 

The when the internal temp of knockers is about 150, flip for the final time, making sure the skin side is up, and paint a heavy application of Beelzebub sauce with the bastard brush.  Close the lid and let it solidify on the surfaces of the nippless flesh pillows. 

After the tits are done, remove and let cool.  Serve with extra Beezlebub sauce and demolish with your digestive tract.  

Fowl Forneus Archon

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: 4 dirty bastards

The deceased:

• 2 boneless fowl tits
• 1/2 package fettuccini
• One broccoli stalk, torn to bits
• 8 button mushrooms, daggered into quarters

Titty juice:

• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
• 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 tsp black pepper
• 2 tsp minced onion
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper

Archon sauce:

• 8 oz cream coagulated bovine secretions
• 1.5 cup bovine secretions
• 6 basil leaves chopped fine
• 2 cloves garlic, annihilated
• 1 stick butter
• 1 cup parmesan coagulated bovine secretions

Necessary equipment:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• Nuclear hate box

The Abominable Demise:

Start by combining and mixing all of the titty juice ingredients into a small bowl and nuke it for 1 minute.  Next add the bird bosoms to the marinade and let it sit.  While you wait, start an obscenely hot flame within the realm of Charon.  When it is ready, persecute the titties above the flame until they are done.   Set the bird mammaries on a plate and permit them to cool.

Next start your archon sauce by adding the butter to a cauldron over medium hellfire.  Add the mushrooms and garlic then force them to suffer for a couple of minutes, probing occasionally.  Next add the bovine secretions and cream coagulated bovine secretions.  The cream coagulated bovine secretions will melt easily if you have raped it into 1” cubes with a knife beforehand.  Once this begins to melt, add the parmesan coagulated bovine secretions and basil.  Probe often to prevent burning.  Once everything has melted and begins to boil, reduce the hate. 

While your archon sauce is being transformed into a caustic substance, place a large cauldron 3/4 full of salty unholy water on top of your hellfire generator over high hate heat.  Next place your decapitated and maimed broccoli in a bowl and add about 1/4 cup of water.  Place a plate on top of the bowl, and put it in your nuclear hate box for about 3 minutes on high.  This will give the broccoli a steam bath it’ll never forget, or at least until your body processes it into filthy feces.  If it’s not done, tumorize that shit again for another minute. 

 

When your unholy water is boiling, add the goddamn fettuccini noodles.  After about 8 minutes of unimaginable suffering, they will be transformed into the bleached dreadlocks of Forneus, the great sea monster and marquis of the underworld.  Drain, and place a heaping portion of Forneus’ hair on the plate.  Cut the bird boobies on the bias and place on top, followed by the broccoli.  Now drench in archon sauce and devour.

Sunrise Dead Meat Sandwich

Time: Not very long

Feeds: Just your own, filthy body

The dead in which to defile:

• 2 slices of bread
• 3 slices  of swine gut
• 1 slice of bologna
• 6 slices of thinly sliced pig ass
• 1 chicken menstruation
• 1 slice of sandwich coagulated bovine secretions

Wake up and smell the hate:

It’s 11 a.m., and like a normal metalhead, you’re still asleep.  Metalheads stay up late, and cover their windows with black sheets to keep the terrible sting of sunlight out.  This allows a metalhead to endure dreams of murder and malice until midafternoon.  However on this particular morning, you are awakened by the cheerful chirps of birds, who are frolicking in the greenery, just outside.  You rise and stumble across the room to retrieve your 12 gauge.  You silently dart outside to fire off several shells at the joyful animals who have prevented you from enjoying the vivid nightmare you had been experiencing.  Several tiny, mutilated corpses litter the ground, and you go back inside.  These carcasses don’t have enough meat worth extracting for consumption, so you leave them to be devoured by vermin. 

All of this action has worked up your appetite.  Here’s what you do:

Obtain a large pan and place it over medium high hate heat.  Toss your swine gut in and torture until it’s nearly done.  Prepare your fucking bread for toasting (I use homemade loaf bread and toast it under the death from above unity).  Slide the beast belly over to one side of the pan and slap in the bologna.  Make slits with your probing device at 12, 3, 6 and 9 o’clock so it’ll remain flat.  When it’s time to flip, extract the swine and deposit the pig ass in the greasy death fluids.

By now your bread should be as done as shit.  I like putting mayonnaise and mustard on my goddamn bread, but I’ll leave that up to you.  Place the slide of cheese on one slice and the bacon on the other.  Now put the ass on top of the cheese and the bologna on top of the ass.  Fry the aborted embryo, over easy and cover liberally with tabasco sauce.  Place it on top of the bologna, then stack the slice with fried pig gut on top of the egg.

When you apply pressure, the jaggedness of the swine belly will cut into the discarded menstruation.  The cream of the aborted bird acts as a delicious sauce.   Devour, and make another one if you desire.  

Bistec Mephistopheles

Time:  5 goddamn hours

Feeds: 4 lunatics of god’s creation

The shit you need to complete the ritual:

Dead meat:

• 2 lbs thinly slice beast steak
• 6 cloves of destroyed garlic
• 2 bell peppers, sliced
• 2 jalapenos, sliced
• 1 onion, sliced
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 8 button mushrooms, daggered into quarters
• 1/4 cup hot sauce
• 1 can beef broth
• Juice from one lime
• 1/2 cup jesus blood
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tbsp cilantro
• 1 tbsp black pepper

Torturetillas:

• 2 cups AP flour
• 2 tsp bacon fat
• 2 tsp salt
• 3/4 cup warm bovine secretions
• 1 tsp baking powder

Required tooling:

• Automated mutilation device with meathook
• Rectangular bed of fiery death

The persecution of the soulless beast meat:

Obtain a large, heavy duty resealable bag.  Pour everything into the fucking bag and seal it.  Leave a good bit of air so you can mix up the contents.  When everything is thoroughly mixed, squeeze out the air and allow the beast meat to suffer in the acidic concoction for a minimum of 4 hours.  While you wait, you can worship Satan and masturbate freely until your genitals begin to bleed.

When enough time has elapsed, obtain a large pan and lid and start a burning inferno beneath it.  Pour the contents of the bag into the pan, as if you were emptying a colostomy bag onto an enemy’s face. 

When the shit begins to boil, reduce the hate and cover.  Probe about every 5 minutes.  After about 30 minutes, you should begin phase two of the ritual; the construction of the torturetillas. 

Start by dumping all of the shit into the bowl of your automated mutilation device.  Slowly turn up the speed until you reach medium speed.  Let the suffering go on for about 2 minutes, or until a smooth ball has formed.  Cover the ball with a damp towel and let it rest for 10 minutes.

After the time has elapsed, weigh the ball and divide by 8.  If you’re too stupid to do the math, try to divide the ball into 8 equal pieces, and roll each piece into a ball.  Cover and let rest again for 10 minutes.  While you’re waiting, preheat your fiery bed of rectangular death over medium high hellfire. 

Next, hastily throw some flour on the goddamn counter, or floor, and smash one of the dough balls into it.  Next roll it out with a dowel, rolling pin, PBR can, or whatever the hell you have.  You might have to lube up with some flour.  Roll until they look like fucking tortillas that aren't cooked.  Throw that smashed shit on the rectangular bed of fiery death and let it suffer.

You’ll notice the flesh of the torturetillas begin to blister.  This means it’s nearing time to flip.  Each side will need 30 seconds to 1 minute. 

Wrap in foil and keep in a warm hatebox until your beast meat is done.

If you timed it properly, you will have finished everything at precisely the same time.  Slather the torturetillas with the flesh, sickening death juices and devour.