Bistec Mephistopheles

Time:  5 goddamn hours

Feeds: 4 lunatics of god’s creation

The shit you need to complete the ritual:

Dead meat:

• 2 lbs thinly slice beast steak
• 6 cloves of destroyed garlic
• 2 bell peppers, sliced
• 2 jalapenos, sliced
• 1 onion, sliced
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 8 button mushrooms, daggered into quarters
• 1/4 cup hot sauce
• 1 can beef broth
• Juice from one lime
• 1/2 cup jesus blood
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tbsp cilantro
• 1 tbsp black pepper

Torturetillas:

• 2 cups AP flour
• 2 tsp bacon fat
• 2 tsp salt
• 3/4 cup warm bovine secretions
• 1 tsp baking powder

Required tooling:

• Automated mutilation device with meathook
• Rectangular bed of fiery death

The persecution of the soulless beast meat:

Obtain a large, heavy duty resealable bag.  Pour everything into the fucking bag and seal it.  Leave a good bit of air so you can mix up the contents.  When everything is thoroughly mixed, squeeze out the air and allow the beast meat to suffer in the acidic concoction for a minimum of 4 hours.  While you wait, you can worship Satan and masturbate freely until your genitals begin to bleed.

When enough time has elapsed, obtain a large pan and lid and start a burning inferno beneath it.  Pour the contents of the bag into the pan, as if you were emptying a colostomy bag onto an enemy’s face. 

When the shit begins to boil, reduce the hate and cover.  Probe about every 5 minutes.  After about 30 minutes, you should begin phase two of the ritual; the construction of the torturetillas. 

Start by dumping all of the shit into the bowl of your automated mutilation device.  Slowly turn up the speed until you reach medium speed.  Let the suffering go on for about 2 minutes, or until a smooth ball has formed.  Cover the ball with a damp towel and let it rest for 10 minutes.

After the time has elapsed, weigh the ball and divide by 8.  If you’re too stupid to do the math, try to divide the ball into 8 equal pieces, and roll each piece into a ball.  Cover and let rest again for 10 minutes.  While you’re waiting, preheat your fiery bed of rectangular death over medium high hellfire. 

Next, hastily throw some flour on the goddamn counter, or floor, and smash one of the dough balls into it.  Next roll it out with a dowel, rolling pin, PBR can, or whatever the hell you have.  You might have to lube up with some flour.  Roll until they look like fucking tortillas that aren't cooked.  Throw that smashed shit on the rectangular bed of fiery death and let it suffer.

You’ll notice the flesh of the torturetillas begin to blister.  This means it’s nearing time to flip.  Each side will need 30 seconds to 1 minute. 

Wrap in foil and keep in a warm hatebox until your beast meat is done.

If you timed it properly, you will have finished everything at precisely the same time.  Slather the torturetillas with the flesh, sickening death juices and devour.