Swine Fry

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: A large Asian nation

Hit list:

• 2 lbs swine chops, raped into 1/2” pieces
• 1/2 lb broccoli
• 1 onion
• 2 carrots
• 1 red bell pepper
• 1 yellow bell pepper
• 1/2 lb snow peas
• 1 pack button mushrooms
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp sesame oil
• 1 can water chestnuts
• 1 can bamboo

For sauce:

• 1 cup fowl juice
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 2 tbsp peanut butter
• 2 tbsp ginger
• 2 cloves garlic
• 1 tbsp bee vomit
• 2 tsp rice vinegar
• 1 tbsp Asian hot sauce
• ¼ tsp black pepper
• 1 tbsp sesame seed oil
• 2 tbsp corn starch

Machinery of torture:

• Immersion pulverizer
• The pan of the Emperor

The Campaign to Conquer the Swine:

Begin by mutilating your vegetables with a dagger.  Chop the onions, slice the peppers, shred the carrots, decapitate the heads of the broccoli and quarter the fungus.  Be sure to wash the filth from the corpses of the vegetables or else you’ll be dining on gastronomy tainted with gastrointestinal waste. Now drain the cans of exotic plant life.  Reflect upon the ferocity the goddamn Mongolians once possessed, but lost because they must have developed into some sort of pussies.  

Next, heat up your oils in the Emperor’s torturing vessel over medium high hellfire.  Now add the swine chunks and persecute.  Probe for 6 minutes and 66 seconds and remove.  Add more oil if necessary, then add the disfigured vegetables. 

Deposit all of the ingredients for the sauce in a 2 cup measuring cup, destroy with the immersion pulverizer and set aside.  Let these vegetables suffer until the color of the broccoli and peppers begin to turn bright from extreme torment.  Now drain off most of the death fluids that have accumulated.  Next, reintroduce the meat and pour in the sauce.  Persecute and probe until the sauce has thickened and coated all of the lifeless organisms. 

Extract and serve with rice or discarded menstruation noodles.