Carbless Coagulation Cake

Time: An unreasonably long time

The Guts:

• 1.5 lbs of cream bovine coagulations room temperature
• 1.5 cups of fake sugar
• 4 chicken embryos
• A few drops of lemon extract
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract

The Scab:

• 1 1/3 cups almonds
• 2 tbsp melted churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp fake sugar
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• Dash of salt
• Lard or shortening

Required torture tools:

• The Destroyer
• Automated mutilation device

The ritual of sin:

Like a real metalhead, you enjoy heavy things and eating the delicious edibles you have created with the aid of the Angry Metalhead Cookbook.  However you’re beginning to feel beyond heavy and you’re getting winded easily in the pit.  Since low fat diets are for god-loving churchies and douche-wads who dress like faggots, you decide to partake in a high-fat diet.  This diet is ideal for soldiers of Satan, because you do not have to give up consuming raw, bloody beast meat on a daily basis.  We all know, consuming raw bloody beast meat is vital to pleasing the Dark Lord through cooking rituals. 

From time to time, you might desire something sweet after gorging yourself on sickening mutilations.  If this is your problem, then here is the ritual for you. 

Start by preheating the hatebox to 400 degrees.  Pulverize the almonds with the destroyer.  You’re looking for a fine consistency, like cornmeal.  Do not destroy too much, or else you will turn it to liquid.  This will cause the ritual to fail, and Satan will be displeased with you.

After you have properly destroyed the goddamn almonds, transfer to a bowl and mix in the cancer-causing sugar, cinnamon, salt and melted churned bovine secretions.  Mix well with a flesh shovel, then transfer to a pie pan you have lubed with lard or shortening.   Use your dirty fingers to spread evenly throughout the pan, including the sides.  Torture in the hatebox for 7 or 8 minutes, to coagulate into a scab.

Dump the cream coagulations into the bowl of the automated mutilation device equipped with the punishment paddle.  Beat the shit out of it for a few minutes, until it has been aerated thoroughly.  Slowly add the rest of the ingredients, stopping to scrape the bowl and punishment paddle every few minutes. 

When you feel like the ingredients in the bowl have been mutilated enough, transfer to the pie pan.  Consume any leftover batter raw, because it’s delicious.  Place the pan into the hatebox and lower the temperature to 200 hate units.  Torture for one hour.

After the time has elapsed, check whether or not the cake is completely dead by inserting a toothpick into the center.  If it comes out clean, it’s dead.  Let it cool for one hour on the counter, then place into the morgue for another two hours.  Extract, congregate, dominate and eliminate.