Mildly Evil Lettuce Wraps

Cooking time: 30 minutes

What you'll need:

• 2 heads of Boston lettuce (or regular lettuce)
• 1 pound ground chuck (or round)
• 1/2 a white onion
• 2 garlic cloves
• 4 thin slices fresh ginger root
• 1/2 bunch chopped green onions
• 4 ounces diced water chestnuts
• sesame oil (or other cooking oil)
• rice vinegar (or regular white vinegar)
• soy sauce
• worcestershire sauce
• Sriracha sauce (or red curry paste)

Here's how:

This mildly evil recipe depends upon 3 things to come together all at once for something pretty kick-ass to happen. I know lettuce wraps seem like some kind of pansy shit you'd eat if you were Britney Spears or something, but I think you'll find, as I did, that pulverised flesh paired with pulverised plants can actually be pretty goddamn good when you wrap it in a leaf.

Part 1: Prepare the leaves

Get out your lettuce. Rinse it off and dry it with paper towels if you're a pussy and scared of dirt. That was easy!

Part 2: Prepare the mildly evil sauce

This is the part (other than the flesh) that makes this recipe so good, so don't screw it up. In a small bowl, mix 1 tbsp. sesame oil, 1/8 cup of rice vinegar, 1/8 cup of soy sauce, 1/8 cup of worcestershire sauce, and 1/8 cup of sriracha sauce. If you are using red curry paste, stir it until it is swallowed by the noxious fumes of the mildly evil sauce.

Part 3: Prepare the crumbled post-life wrap guts

Brown the ground beef on top of 1 tbsp. of sesame oil and dump it out of the pan onto the counter when it's done. Chop the white onion, garlic, and ginger into tiny bits and throw them onto the sesame-infused boiling cytoplasm. Now pour the mildly evil sauce on top of the bits, followed by quartered water chestnuts, chopped green onions, and more sesame oil. Scoop the beef up with your hands and drop it into the pan, wiping your hands off on your face. Stir it all together until it looks like something Britney Spears might process into feces.

When it looks like it's done, dump it all into a huge pile on a plate with stacks of leaves. Tell everyone you found it in the stomach of a possum on the highway. Though you will eat this with no utensils, hold a dagger in one hand and snarl viciously at anyone that tries to eat with you. Simply pour guts into the leaves and eat it like some weird asian leaf burrito.

Sickening Scrambled Morning Mess

Cooking time: 15 minutes

Feeds: Just your stupid ass

The Shitlist:

• 1/3 cup of quick grits
• 1 1/3 cup water
• 1.5 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 breakfast sausage links
• 2 chicken embryos
• Tabasco sauce

Mutilation procedure:

Use a small, yet potentially lethal cast iron skillet and get the swine links burning over medium-high hellfire. Combine the pulverized corn, water, salt and pepper in a bowl and introduce them to the nuclear apocalypse for two minutes. While you’re waiting, a sadistic smile will form on your face as the swine shrieks, twitches and screams in the pan. You’ll notice little manipulation of the meat is required. This is due to the spirits of a thousand generations of demonic razorbacks being released from the unrecognizable remains, which keep the meat moving on its own!

When the corn has been radiated for two minutes, add 1 tbsp of churned bovine secretions, stir and return for another one and a half minutes. You’ll quickly notice how the molecular friction of the particles have caused an enormous amount of heat, which has transferred through the bowl and into your flesh. This is an excellent reason to own a microwaveable bowl adorned with pentagrams and inverted crosses. This way, you’ll be permanently marred with the symbols of our unholy Lord.

After the concoction is through receiving cancerous rays, nuke for a 3rd time, for 30 seconds. This ensures any holiness has been properly destroyed. Remove and set aside.

Once the screaming beast meat has quieted, take a large metal spatula and maliciously slash it into chunks. Adorn the surface of the cancerous, salty corn dust with your murdered meat chunks and add the remaining rendered cattle fat to the skillet. Crack open two chicken embryos and add to the pan over low flames. Add salt, pepper and ferociously douse with enough Tabasco sauce to make jesus weep.

After about a minute and a half, flip the embryos and agonize for another 30 seconds. Pour them and any remaining liquid into the bowl with the nuclear grains and swine meat. Turn on some ferocious hate music and immediately induce a circle pit among the ingredients. You’ll notice the aborted bird fluid will burst open and coat the grotesque contents of the bowl. Devour, and you will be granted insurmountable demonic strength to make it through the day.

Dead Angel Hair with Mutilated Meat Sauce

Cooking time: A long goddamn time

Feeds: A buttsfull of bitches

What you’ll need:

• 1lb ground bovine creature
• 1lb ground swine
• 3 cans of diced tomatoes
• 2 cans of tomato sauce
• A dash of jesus blood
• An assload of fresh basil, chopped
• An assload of fresh oregano, chopped
• An assload of fresh marjoram, chopped
• 1 cup parmesan cheese
• Several mushrooms, quartered
• One giant onion, shredded to bits
• 8 cloves of garlic, shredded into smaller bits
• Salt
• Pepper
• One box of angel hair pasta
• More salt

Preparation for the unholy feast:

Start by coarsely mutilating the bloody chunks of your swine and cow in your meat grinder. If you don’t have a grinder, then don’t even attempt to make this goddamn recipe. This step is required in order to guarantee you have satisfied the Dark Lord by maiming the meat beyond recognition, personally.

Next throw the horrific disfigured flesh into a hot skillet large enough to crush a human skull with, along with a little bit of the onion and garlic, salt, pepper, some of the basil, oregano and marjoram. Also, adding a little jesus blood never hurt anyone, except jesus. Sear the flesh thoroughly until the screaming subsides. Drain off the death fluids and set the evidence aside.

In a pot large enough to drown several kittens simultaneously, introduce your cans pulverized tomato products along with the rest of the seasonings as well as the remaining shredded onion and garlic. Crank up the heat to produce a sweltering cauldron of death. Add the parmesan cheese slowly and stir while praying to Satan for immortality in exchange for your worthless soul, which will be achieved if you perform this ritual correctly.

Throw in the mushrooms, your tortured animal protein and a little more jesus blood. Reduce the burning hellfire below and listen to the entire Morbid Angel discography, except for the last album, which is unimaginably awful. (Lord Lucifer will surely punish them dearly for that last record) Be sure stir the coagulated mess every other track or so. If done correctly, you will summon the presence of Charon, who will benevolently watch over your boiling liquid of hate.

When the murder liquid is nearing completion, produce a pot large enough to contain a severed human head, fill it 3/4 of the way full of salted water and bring to a boil. Hold your box of hair from the fallen angel with both hands, high above your head, and declare Satan’s kingdom to be victorious. Toss into the pot and boil until the hair had been tenderized sufficiently. Drain.

Distribute the boiled hair evenly among serving platters. Ceremoniously crown each portion with a generous helping of liquefied flesh. The final product will resemble the remnants of an angel’s shattered head after losing a horrific battle with a soldier of Satan. If you wish to demonize your infernal creation further, you may add mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions atop the steaming pile of unholy death. Additionally, you can place the feast under your death from above unit for a couple of minutes to brown the coagulated bovine secretions. Once the feast is consumed, you will be upheld by Lord Lucifer as one of his most prized tormentors, and granted immortality.

Lucifer Lounge Pie

Cook time: 1 hour

Feeds: You and some of your worthless friends

What you’ll need:

• 1 or 2 pounds of ground meat, depending on the intensity of your hunger for dead flesh
• 1 can of corn
• 1 can of peas sweetened with promises of satan
• 1 can of carrots
• 1 onion, chopped
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 4 large russet potatoes
• Two tbsp of mayonnaise
• Heavy cream
• 2 tbsp of butter
• A fuckton of salt
• Some paprika
• Enough cayenne pepper to please the dark underlord

Engage the suffering!

Begin by setting your incinerator to 350 degrees. Sear your pulverized flesh and onion in a skillet large enough to swiftly murder someone with. Make sure the hammer smashed meat has goddamn fat in it. You’ll know if you have to drain off the excess grease by the time it’s through with the final death throes. If you use anything less than 80/20, you fucked up, and you shall slit your wrists in the bathtub while listening to poorly produced doom metal. If this describes you, always remember, down the road, not across the street.

While the meat is letting off shrieks of unimaginable pain, use your dagger of Mephistopheles to unmercifully punish the potatoes by removing their skins. Then use your dagger to dismember the potatoes into equal sized pieces. Throw them into a pot of blisteringly boiling water. Add a fuckton of salt, as will add flavor to your boiling cauldron of suffering.

Drain off the scalding death fluids from the meat and return to the bludgeoning pan. Diminish the flames of Hell in which burn underneath. Throw in the garlic and stir it while humming the Hymn of the Satanic Empire. Halfway through the hymn, add your cans of shit to the mix. If you choose, you may use fresh vegetables. They may taste better, but it’s way more of a pain in the ass, and I really hate having to do extra shit. Add a fuckton of salt, and deliver a moment bliss upon the spirit of your eternal dark lord by adding the cayenne pepper. Mix up and let it suffer while you turn your attention back to the potatoes, which should be thoroughly tenderized by torment.

Drain the potatoes and throw in a bowl. Add the mayonnaise, butter and some cream, salt and black pepper then use an automated machine of torture to mix. If you’re having trouble completely pulverizing the potatoes into a fine paste, add more cream until it is mutilated beyond belief.

Use a 13 X 9 baking dish and add your meat and distribute your sickening mess evenly. Spread the maimed root vegetables to the top. Dust with paprika so it looks like blood splatter on cheap hotel wallpaper. Place in the center of your smoldering execution box and reflect on the ways in which god has forsaken you for 20-30 minutes. After your hatred of the christian lord is more understood than ever, extract and serve.

Pan-Fried Hateburger (w/ the Blood of Cthulhu)

Cooking time: 15 minutes

Note: The secret ingredient in this hateburger is the habanero pepper. Not the jalapeno, hungarian wax, or banana pepper. If you don't have habanero, scotch bonnet will work, or a bhut jolokia if you're really an insane bastard.

What you'll need (PER BURGER):

• 1/4 pound of ground beef
• 1 slice of bacon
• 2 button mushrooms
• 1/8 c. chopped white onion
• 2 slices american cheese
• 1 hamburger bun (or 2 slices of bread)
• 1 habanero pepper
• Barbecue sauce
• Seasoned salt

Here's how:

Act I: Wherein the Swine and Fungus are Rendered Suitable for Consumption

Heat a pan on the stove to a moderately damning temperature. Viciously tear one slice of salted pig's flesh in half and place it upon the food altar. Slice the mushrooms thrice each. Enjoy the hissing and aroma of millions of muscle cells exploding, flipping the flesh when the screams subside. Upon reverse searing, apply the fungus and stir. When your sadism is quenched, set all aside on a draining cloth.

Act II: Harvesting the Blood of Cthulhu

If the onion is not chopped into infinitesimally small pieces, do so now. Then exact the same fate upon the habanero pepper. Take care not to use gloves while handling your hateful pepper so that you may later grind the curse of Cthulhu directly into your eyeballs whilst consuming your feast. Now pour some barbecue sauce into a small container, adding all chopped hatelings. Stir until the concoction bears resemblance to clotting blood.

Act III: The Coagulation of Bovine Flesh, Processed through the Grinder

Smash the beef into a patty. Throw it directly onto the still-scalding swine cytoplasm and listen to its shrieking. Apply seasoned salt. Before reverse searing, press the flesh. Whence flipped, halt for 30 seconds, then apply two slices of american cheese. The second slice should be placed at a 45 degree angle to the first, creating the 8-pointed star of the Necronomicon. Toast the buns in a toaster. The cow meat destruction is complete when the cheese begins to smolder upon the pan.

Act IV: The Hateburger Assembly Ritual

Warning: Do not proceed without drawing a circle of protection upon the floor in white flour. You will now perform a ritual with 6 unholy layers:

• Layer 1: Bun
• Layer 2: Beef with excessive cheese
• Layer 3: Fungus, placed firmly into the cheese
• Layer 4: Swine, resting atop the fungus and cheese
• Layer 5: A thick application of the Blood of Cthulhu
• Layer 6: Bun

When the last layer is placed, a rip in the fabric of space-time will be exposed and the Watcher will appear. His ghastly screams of hellish torment will be a delightful accent to your feast. Be sure to press your fingers into your eyelids to experience full agony. Do not, under any circumstances step outside of the circle of protection until the entire Hateburger has been consumed, lest ye become the meal of the Watcher instead.

Unholy Pulverized Flesh in Onion and Mushroom Gravy

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: You and your mom.  If your mom is dead, then just you and someone else you know.  

What you'll need:

• 1 pound of ground beef
• 2 tbsp of oil
• 1 medium onion
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1 egg
• 2 fist fulls of breadcrumbs
• Some garlic powder
• Some onion powder
• Lots of salt
• Lots of pepper
• Lots of cayenne pepper
• Some Worcestershire sauce
• A little bit of flour
• 1 cup of beef juice
• A generous swallows worth of red wine

The execution:

Get a big ass pan and get that oil burning on medium high hellfire. Throw your pound of pulverized flesh into a mixing bowl, then add the unfertilized chicken embryo, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, Worcestershire sauce and breadcrumbs. I’m partial to canned breadcrumbs, because they’re convenient and I hate doing extra shit to make goddamn homemade shit. Mix all of the ingredients by hand until it resembles rotting brain matter. If you happen to be blind and someone is reading this fucking awesome recipe to you, when it feels like the inside of a decaying anal cavity left outside on a forlorn autumn day, you know you’re done.

Take your onion and dismember it into an assload of thin slivers. Throw its disfigured carcass into the pan. Take your pulverized meat mixture and divide it into quarters. Roll it up into balls and smash them flat with your fists of fury; about 1/2” thick. Add the mutilated carcass meat to the burning inferno. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side and remove the tortured animal meat, leaving the onions and flesh drippings.

Sprinkle the flour over the onions while paying homage to Satan. Add the juice of the sacrificial cow as well as the blood of jesus, then add some salt, then your mushrooms, which you should raped with a knife into quarters. Pay more homage to Satan while you stir, and he will reward you by thickening your sauce. Once the sauce is about as thick as diseased semen from a dehydrated sacrificial goat, return your seared pulverized flesh patties to the pan, as well as any blood that may have seeped out onto your holding dish.

Cover and reduce heat.

 Stew in your on hunger hatred as you anxiously await the unholy feast which is sure to come. If you find the wait too maddening to bear, kill the neighbor’s cat while paying more homage to Satan. After about 15 minutes, your feast is complete.