Lucifer Lounge Pie

Cook time: 1 hour

Feeds: You and some of your worthless friends

What you’ll need:

• 1 or 2 pounds of ground meat, depending on the intensity of your hunger for dead flesh
• 1 can of corn
• 1 can of peas sweetened with promises of satan
• 1 can of carrots
• 1 onion, chopped
• 2 cloves of garlic, minced
• 4 large russet potatoes
• Two tbsp of mayonnaise
• Heavy cream
• 2 tbsp of butter
• A fuckton of salt
• Some paprika
• Enough cayenne pepper to please the dark underlord

Engage the suffering!

Begin by setting your incinerator to 350 degrees. Sear your pulverized flesh and onion in a skillet large enough to swiftly murder someone with. Make sure the hammer smashed meat has goddamn fat in it. You’ll know if you have to drain off the excess grease by the time it’s through with the final death throes. If you use anything less than 80/20, you fucked up, and you shall slit your wrists in the bathtub while listening to poorly produced doom metal. If this describes you, always remember, down the road, not across the street.

While the meat is letting off shrieks of unimaginable pain, use your dagger of Mephistopheles to unmercifully punish the potatoes by removing their skins. Then use your dagger to dismember the potatoes into equal sized pieces. Throw them into a pot of blisteringly boiling water. Add a fuckton of salt, as will add flavor to your boiling cauldron of suffering.

Drain off the scalding death fluids from the meat and return to the bludgeoning pan. Diminish the flames of Hell in which burn underneath. Throw in the garlic and stir it while humming the Hymn of the Satanic Empire. Halfway through the hymn, add your cans of shit to the mix. If you choose, you may use fresh vegetables. They may taste better, but it’s way more of a pain in the ass, and I really hate having to do extra shit. Add a fuckton of salt, and deliver a moment bliss upon the spirit of your eternal dark lord by adding the cayenne pepper. Mix up and let it suffer while you turn your attention back to the potatoes, which should be thoroughly tenderized by torment.

Drain the potatoes and throw in a bowl. Add the mayonnaise, butter and some cream, salt and black pepper then use an automated machine of torture to mix. If you’re having trouble completely pulverizing the potatoes into a fine paste, add more cream until it is mutilated beyond belief.

Use a 13 X 9 baking dish and add your meat and distribute your sickening mess evenly. Spread the maimed root vegetables to the top. Dust with paprika so it looks like blood splatter on cheap hotel wallpaper. Place in the center of your smoldering execution box and reflect on the ways in which god has forsaken you for 20-30 minutes. After your hatred of the christian lord is more understood than ever, extract and serve.