Pan-Fried Hateburger (w/ the Blood of Cthulhu)

Cooking time: 15 minutes

Note: The secret ingredient in this hateburger is the habanero pepper. Not the jalapeno, hungarian wax, or banana pepper. If you don't have habanero, scotch bonnet will work, or a bhut jolokia if you're really an insane bastard.

What you'll need (PER BURGER):

• 1/4 pound of ground beef
• 1 slice of bacon
• 2 button mushrooms
• 1/8 c. chopped white onion
• 2 slices american cheese
• 1 hamburger bun (or 2 slices of bread)
• 1 habanero pepper
• Barbecue sauce
• Seasoned salt

Here's how:

Act I: Wherein the Swine and Fungus are Rendered Suitable for Consumption

Heat a pan on the stove to a moderately damning temperature. Viciously tear one slice of salted pig's flesh in half and place it upon the food altar. Slice the mushrooms thrice each. Enjoy the hissing and aroma of millions of muscle cells exploding, flipping the flesh when the screams subside. Upon reverse searing, apply the fungus and stir. When your sadism is quenched, set all aside on a draining cloth.

Act II: Harvesting the Blood of Cthulhu

If the onion is not chopped into infinitesimally small pieces, do so now. Then exact the same fate upon the habanero pepper. Take care not to use gloves while handling your hateful pepper so that you may later grind the curse of Cthulhu directly into your eyeballs whilst consuming your feast. Now pour some barbecue sauce into a small container, adding all chopped hatelings. Stir until the concoction bears resemblance to clotting blood.

Act III: The Coagulation of Bovine Flesh, Processed through the Grinder

Smash the beef into a patty. Throw it directly onto the still-scalding swine cytoplasm and listen to its shrieking. Apply seasoned salt. Before reverse searing, press the flesh. Whence flipped, halt for 30 seconds, then apply two slices of american cheese. The second slice should be placed at a 45 degree angle to the first, creating the 8-pointed star of the Necronomicon. Toast the buns in a toaster. The cow meat destruction is complete when the cheese begins to smolder upon the pan.

Act IV: The Hateburger Assembly Ritual

Warning: Do not proceed without drawing a circle of protection upon the floor in white flour. You will now perform a ritual with 6 unholy layers:

• Layer 1: Bun
• Layer 2: Beef with excessive cheese
• Layer 3: Fungus, placed firmly into the cheese
• Layer 4: Swine, resting atop the fungus and cheese
• Layer 5: A thick application of the Blood of Cthulhu
• Layer 6: Bun

When the last layer is placed, a rip in the fabric of space-time will be exposed and the Watcher will appear. His ghastly screams of hellish torment will be a delightful accent to your feast. Be sure to press your fingers into your eyelids to experience full agony. Do not, under any circumstances step outside of the circle of protection until the entire Hateburger has been consumed, lest ye become the meal of the Watcher instead.