Mildly Evil Lettuce Wraps

Cooking time: 30 minutes

What you'll need:

• 2 heads of Boston lettuce (or regular lettuce)
• 1 pound ground chuck (or round)
• 1/2 a white onion
• 2 garlic cloves
• 4 thin slices fresh ginger root
• 1/2 bunch chopped green onions
• 4 ounces diced water chestnuts
• sesame oil (or other cooking oil)
• rice vinegar (or regular white vinegar)
• soy sauce
• worcestershire sauce
• Sriracha sauce (or red curry paste)

Here's how:

This mildly evil recipe depends upon 3 things to come together all at once for something pretty kick-ass to happen. I know lettuce wraps seem like some kind of pansy shit you'd eat if you were Britney Spears or something, but I think you'll find, as I did, that pulverised flesh paired with pulverised plants can actually be pretty goddamn good when you wrap it in a leaf.

Part 1: Prepare the leaves

Get out your lettuce. Rinse it off and dry it with paper towels if you're a pussy and scared of dirt. That was easy!

Part 2: Prepare the mildly evil sauce

This is the part (other than the flesh) that makes this recipe so good, so don't screw it up. In a small bowl, mix 1 tbsp. sesame oil, 1/8 cup of rice vinegar, 1/8 cup of soy sauce, 1/8 cup of worcestershire sauce, and 1/8 cup of sriracha sauce. If you are using red curry paste, stir it until it is swallowed by the noxious fumes of the mildly evil sauce.

Part 3: Prepare the crumbled post-life wrap guts

Brown the ground beef on top of 1 tbsp. of sesame oil and dump it out of the pan onto the counter when it's done. Chop the white onion, garlic, and ginger into tiny bits and throw them onto the sesame-infused boiling cytoplasm. Now pour the mildly evil sauce on top of the bits, followed by quartered water chestnuts, chopped green onions, and more sesame oil. Scoop the beef up with your hands and drop it into the pan, wiping your hands off on your face. Stir it all together until it looks like something Britney Spears might process into feces.

When it looks like it's done, dump it all into a huge pile on a plate with stacks of leaves. Tell everyone you found it in the stomach of a possum on the highway. Though you will eat this with no utensils, hold a dagger in one hand and snarl viciously at anyone that tries to eat with you. Simply pour guts into the leaves and eat it like some weird asian leaf burrito.