Dead Angel Hair with Mutilated Meat Sauce

Cooking time: A long goddamn time

Feeds: A buttsfull of bitches

What you’ll need:

• 1lb ground bovine creature
• 1lb ground swine
• 3 cans of diced tomatoes
• 2 cans of tomato sauce
• A dash of jesus blood
• An assload of fresh basil, chopped
• An assload of fresh oregano, chopped
• An assload of fresh marjoram, chopped
• 1 cup parmesan cheese
• Several mushrooms, quartered
• One giant onion, shredded to bits
• 8 cloves of garlic, shredded into smaller bits
• Salt
• Pepper
• One box of angel hair pasta
• More salt

Preparation for the unholy feast:

Start by coarsely mutilating the bloody chunks of your swine and cow in your meat grinder. If you don’t have a grinder, then don’t even attempt to make this goddamn recipe. This step is required in order to guarantee you have satisfied the Dark Lord by maiming the meat beyond recognition, personally.

Next throw the horrific disfigured flesh into a hot skillet large enough to crush a human skull with, along with a little bit of the onion and garlic, salt, pepper, some of the basil, oregano and marjoram. Also, adding a little jesus blood never hurt anyone, except jesus. Sear the flesh thoroughly until the screaming subsides. Drain off the death fluids and set the evidence aside.

In a pot large enough to drown several kittens simultaneously, introduce your cans pulverized tomato products along with the rest of the seasonings as well as the remaining shredded onion and garlic. Crank up the heat to produce a sweltering cauldron of death. Add the parmesan cheese slowly and stir while praying to Satan for immortality in exchange for your worthless soul, which will be achieved if you perform this ritual correctly.

Throw in the mushrooms, your tortured animal protein and a little more jesus blood. Reduce the burning hellfire below and listen to the entire Morbid Angel discography, except for the last album, which is unimaginably awful. (Lord Lucifer will surely punish them dearly for that last record) Be sure stir the coagulated mess every other track or so. If done correctly, you will summon the presence of Charon, who will benevolently watch over your boiling liquid of hate.

When the murder liquid is nearing completion, produce a pot large enough to contain a severed human head, fill it 3/4 of the way full of salted water and bring to a boil. Hold your box of hair from the fallen angel with both hands, high above your head, and declare Satan’s kingdom to be victorious. Toss into the pot and boil until the hair had been tenderized sufficiently. Drain.

Distribute the boiled hair evenly among serving platters. Ceremoniously crown each portion with a generous helping of liquefied flesh. The final product will resemble the remnants of an angel’s shattered head after losing a horrific battle with a soldier of Satan. If you wish to demonize your infernal creation further, you may add mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions atop the steaming pile of unholy death. Additionally, you can place the feast under your death from above unit for a couple of minutes to brown the coagulated bovine secretions. Once the feast is consumed, you will be upheld by Lord Lucifer as one of his most prized tormentors, and granted immortality.