Unholy Pulverized Flesh in Onion and Mushroom Gravy

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: You and your mom.  If your mom is dead, then just you and someone else you know.  

What you'll need:

• 1 pound of ground beef
• 2 tbsp of oil
• 1 medium onion
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1 egg
• 2 fist fulls of breadcrumbs
• Some garlic powder
• Some onion powder
• Lots of salt
• Lots of pepper
• Lots of cayenne pepper
• Some Worcestershire sauce
• A little bit of flour
• 1 cup of beef juice
• A generous swallows worth of red wine

The execution:

Get a big ass pan and get that oil burning on medium high hellfire. Throw your pound of pulverized flesh into a mixing bowl, then add the unfertilized chicken embryo, garlic powder, onion powder, salt, pepper, cayenne pepper, Worcestershire sauce and breadcrumbs. I’m partial to canned breadcrumbs, because they’re convenient and I hate doing extra shit to make goddamn homemade shit. Mix all of the ingredients by hand until it resembles rotting brain matter. If you happen to be blind and someone is reading this fucking awesome recipe to you, when it feels like the inside of a decaying anal cavity left outside on a forlorn autumn day, you know you’re done.

Take your onion and dismember it into an assload of thin slivers. Throw its disfigured carcass into the pan. Take your pulverized meat mixture and divide it into quarters. Roll it up into balls and smash them flat with your fists of fury; about 1/2” thick. Add the mutilated carcass meat to the burning inferno. Cook for about 5 minutes on each side and remove the tortured animal meat, leaving the onions and flesh drippings.

Sprinkle the flour over the onions while paying homage to Satan. Add the juice of the sacrificial cow as well as the blood of jesus, then add some salt, then your mushrooms, which you should raped with a knife into quarters. Pay more homage to Satan while you stir, and he will reward you by thickening your sauce. Once the sauce is about as thick as diseased semen from a dehydrated sacrificial goat, return your seared pulverized flesh patties to the pan, as well as any blood that may have seeped out onto your holding dish.

Cover and reduce heat.

 Stew in your on hunger hatred as you anxiously await the unholy feast which is sure to come. If you find the wait too maddening to bear, kill the neighbor’s cat while paying more homage to Satan. After about 15 minutes, your feast is complete.