Sickening Scrambled Morning Mess

Cooking time: 15 minutes

Feeds: Just your stupid ass

The Shitlist:

• 1/3 cup of quick grits
• 1 1/3 cup water
• 1.5 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 breakfast sausage links
• 2 chicken embryos
• Tabasco sauce

Mutilation procedure:

Use a small, yet potentially lethal cast iron skillet and get the swine links burning over medium-high hellfire. Combine the pulverized corn, water, salt and pepper in a bowl and introduce them to the nuclear apocalypse for two minutes. While you’re waiting, a sadistic smile will form on your face as the swine shrieks, twitches and screams in the pan. You’ll notice little manipulation of the meat is required. This is due to the spirits of a thousand generations of demonic razorbacks being released from the unrecognizable remains, which keep the meat moving on its own!

When the corn has been radiated for two minutes, add 1 tbsp of churned bovine secretions, stir and return for another one and a half minutes. You’ll quickly notice how the molecular friction of the particles have caused an enormous amount of heat, which has transferred through the bowl and into your flesh. This is an excellent reason to own a microwaveable bowl adorned with pentagrams and inverted crosses. This way, you’ll be permanently marred with the symbols of our unholy Lord.

After the concoction is through receiving cancerous rays, nuke for a 3rd time, for 30 seconds. This ensures any holiness has been properly destroyed. Remove and set aside.

Once the screaming beast meat has quieted, take a large metal spatula and maliciously slash it into chunks. Adorn the surface of the cancerous, salty corn dust with your murdered meat chunks and add the remaining rendered cattle fat to the skillet. Crack open two chicken embryos and add to the pan over low flames. Add salt, pepper and ferociously douse with enough Tabasco sauce to make jesus weep.

After about a minute and a half, flip the embryos and agonize for another 30 seconds. Pour them and any remaining liquid into the bowl with the nuclear grains and swine meat. Turn on some ferocious hate music and immediately induce a circle pit among the ingredients. You’ll notice the aborted bird fluid will burst open and coat the grotesque contents of the bowl. Devour, and you will be granted insurmountable demonic strength to make it through the day.