Prolonged Torture Stew

Any self-respecting cook should have a prolonged-torture cauldron for slow cooking. This is just one of many possible recipes in which a wide variety of victims can be combined to create one delicious mess.

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds stew meat
• 4 cubed Russet potatoes
• 1 chopped onion
• 25 white mushrooms
• 30 baby carrots
• 2 minced garlic cloves
• 2 (14.5 ounce) cans of beef broth
• 2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• An assload of salt
• A buttload of black pepper
• A posterior's worth of paprika

Ritual:

Dump everything into your cauldron on high for 6 hours.

Slash Browns

This hash brown recipe has an exciting knife twist: the "slash" comes from the slice in the neck of your sacrificial pig and the subsequent cuts into its abdomen to excise delicious belly flesh. If you don't have access to a pig, or live in an urban area not friendly to raucous slaughter, simply watch a video from the inside of a slaughterhouse before each preparation as a substitute.

Cooking time: 20 minutes

List of the former living:

• 6 or more strips of bacon
• 3 Russet potatoes
• 1/4 cup chopped onion

Slash n' Burn:

Prepare a cauldron of cold saltwater.

Peel 3 Russet potatoes and grate them into long strips of tuber. The longer the strips, the better. Soak the strips in the cauldron of cold saltwater.

Sear 6 strips of belly flesh in a cast iron torture pan and remove. Do what thou wilt with the rendered bacon. DO NOT DRAIN THE LIQUIFIED CYTOPLASM AND FAT OR THE RITUAL WILL FAIL.

Drain the shredded potatoes and place them in the center of an open ritual towel. Wrap the four corners up like a hobo's bindle and twist over a drain until no further liquid spews from the ritual towel.

While the bacon fluids are still hot, scatter the potatoes upon it and delight in the spattering torturous beads of scalding liquid that are released into the atmosphere. When the potatoes around the edge of the pan begin to turn black and smoke, flip and scatter the entire torture pan's contents.

Douse the still-suffering potatoes in salt, black pepper, and chopped onions. After a few minutes, remove and consume. Cut yourself if desired.

Agonizing Awakening with Swine and Potato

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 4 hellions

Consumable inventory:

• 1 tube of breakfast sausage
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 bell pepper, diced
• 2 or 3 jalapeños, diced
• 6-8 button mushrooms, quartered
• 4 red potatoes, maimed into cubes
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 chicken embryos
• 1 cup extra sharp cheddar Cheese

Wake up to the nightmare:

Begin with a silent prayer to Satan, thanking him for a world in which you can easily purchase swine that was led to slaughter and ground into paste with delicious spices and seasonings.  Next, start an inferno beneath a large skillet and add the entire contents of the tube.  Crumble it up with your probing device, keeping the pieces relatively small. 

After the scorching of the swine is near its finish, remove and add the potatoes.  Stir them around until they are mostly cooked, then add the rest of the vegetables and fungus.  If you’re a pussy (in which Satan does not approve) you will have removed the seeds and membranes from the jalapeños.  This kind of action is what causes St. Peter to potentially overlook your other numerous sins, and you certainly don’t want that!  Add salt and pepper and continue to stir until the potatoes are done, then remove the brutal concoction and add to the nauseating mess of seared swine meat.

The executed roots will have soaked up all of the beast juice from the pan, so you’ll have to replenish this with the butter.  While it is melting, abort your embryos into a large bowl.  Blend together their nucleic acids and add to the pan.  Keep the embryonic fluid moving so you get a good scramble, while adding salt and pepper during the process. 

When the aborted fowl fluid has taken nearly all it can stand, reintroduce all of the prior ingredients into the blazing inferno and stir.  Once it is thoroughly reheated, add the cheese and fold in.  When it has melted into a semi-agglutinated mess, serve and devour.  

Atypical Fruit Stuffed with Shredded Dead Flesh (Brujeria Style)

Cooking time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 fuckers

Consumable inventory:

• 1lb of pulverized beef
• 3 bell peppers
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 clove garlic, annihilated
• 1 package of taco seasoning
• Salt
• Shredded queso of your choice
• Hot sauce (optional)

The Summoning of El Diablo:

Start by preheating your hatebox to 350 and igniting a medium high hellfire beneath a large skillet.  Add the beef, onions, garlic and salt to the pan.  While browning, split the fruit from head to ass and extract the entrails and membranes.  Ignite another pot of scalding salt water and toss the slashed fruit into the cauldron of suffering.  Torture until tender, about 5-7 minutes.  Extract, drain and set side by side in a baking dish with the open cavities facing skyward. 

After the flesh has been thoroughly persecuted by Satan’s unholy flames, drain the death fluids and return to the searing pan with the taco seasoning as directed.  You may also add the hot sauce, which will surely earn trust and respect from the Mexican Dark Lord.  Allow it to seethe in the foreign fluids.  Once it has reduced into an unrecognizable mess, you will be ready for the next step.

Fill the gutted and tormented fruit with the dead, scorched meat.  Slide them into the hatebox for 20 minutes.  After the time is up, extract, cover in cheese (I like monterey jack) and get it acquainted with the broiler for a couple of minutes.  Once the cheese is beginning to brown, your feast is complete.




*Picture shows atypical fruit stuffed with shredded dead flesh topped with Lucifer's processed cheese dip.  (One block of processed cheese, 2 cans of tomatoes and chiles melted in a prolonged torture cauldron)

FREE RANDY Fillets and Fries

Estimated time: Several days

Feeds: As many fuckers as you want.  Fish are free and readily available for sacrifice.

Components:

• Several fresh fish fillets
• 2 cups buttermilk
• ¼ cup flour
• Minuscule amount of baking powder
• 1 cup cornmeal
• Salt
• A bunch of russet potatoes
• More salt
• Pepper
• Lots and lots of oil (Canola or higher quality.  Peanut is best)

Cook with me in Hell!

At present time, Randy Blythe of Lamb of God has been wrongly imprisoned in the Czech Republic.  Please perform this unholy ritual with Randy in your thoughts, since it’s hard to smuggle a file in a fish fillet and ship it to the Czech prison he is currently being held in.  Besides, the fish would rot before it got to him anyway and would probably be devoured by the goddamn Czech officials, who undoubtedly consider rancid fried fish to be a delicacy.    

Begin by catching your own fish.  12-14” largemouth or spotted bass work exceptionally well for this.  “But I don’t know how to catch fish,” you say?  Well, you’re life is of absolutely no value if you can’t go out and kill your own protein.  You’ll surely be kept out of Hell after death if you are truly that worthless.

Use your dagger to fillet the fish you managed to score from your local, polluted water source.  Soak the fillets in the rotten milk over night, which will firm up the dead flesh. 

Fill up your deep fryer with oil and set to its highest temperature.  Using your trusty dagger, slice your potatoes into fries and submerge in cold salt water.  When oil is ready, thoroughly drain and dry your mutilated roots, place in the basket and drop into the oil.  If you fail to dry the potatoes properly, the violent reaction of the oil will leave horrendous scars on your arms, face and possibly, genitals.  If this is what you’re into, then go ahead and drop them in wet. 

After two minutes of unimaginable torture, remove the fries and let them suspend over the oil until the temperature has returned to its maximum.  While you are waiting, you may use the time to loosen up any stubborn spuds that have gotten stuck to the basket wall.  I also salt them at this stage, because salt is the universal seasoning of our dark lord.  After the desired temperature is achieved, drop them back in.  After the fries are golden brown, remove and drain.  Salt them one last time and place in a bowl lined with paper towels. 

Mix up the flour, cornmeal and baking powder.  Extract the flesh from the bloodied rotten milk and coat with salt and pepper.  Then dip the flesh into the flour/cornmeal and drop into the fryer.  The fish will float up when done after about 2-4 minutes.  Remove, drain, salt yet again and devour.  

Roman Entrails

Estimated time: 1 hour

Feeds: At least 5 followers

Shitlist:

• 2 lbs pulverized beef
• 1 medium white onion
• 5 or 6 cloves of garlic
• Fresh basil
• Fresh oregano
• Sage
• Marjoram
• ½ cup parmesan cheese
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1lb penne pasta
• 1-2 cups mozzarella cheese

Bring forth the suffering

Begin with a silent prayer to Lord Satan.  Ask for the strength to endure through the orchestrated slaughter which will soon take place within the confines of your humble kitchen.  If you’re a servant in high esteem, you will have no problem achieving victory, resulting in the consumption of your enemies’ entrails.

Start by lining a medium sized pot with the olive oil then place upon a medium high inferno.  Dice the onion and add ¾ of it to a sweltering, oily death.  Meanwhile, destroy your garlic and add ¾ of it to the cauldron after the Satanic powers have rendered the onions translucent. 

Next, get a big, motherfucking skillet and ignite the flames of Hell beneath it.  Toss in the meat of the bovine creature, which surely met a painful and humiliating death in a forsaken building constructed for such sadistic purposes.  Add the rest of the onion, garlic, ¼ of the herbs (¾ of the sage) and a metric fuckton of salt and pepper .  Scorch the beast meat until it is brown and thoroughly dead. 

Add the rest of the herbs to the onions/garlic and stir.  Allow them a few moments for them to absorb the hate heat, which is similar to what your soul will feel for the rest of eternity once your worthless shell of a body has exhaled its last breath.  Pour in the canned, mutilated fruit (you can pretend it’s forbidden, since our Dark Lord is a fan of that particular tale) and add some goddamn salt.  Rub some salt into your eyes and curse the hand god for making you vulnerable to such ridiculous amounts of pain through a seemingly insignificant action.  In your temporary rage and blindness, add the parmesan cheese and stir as best you can.  If done correctly, Satan will be spiritually aiding with this process, making failure impossible. 

After the Roman blood has began to boil, reduce the flames and ignite yet another fiery inferno beneath a large pot of salt water.  Your meat should be nearing the end of its torture session, and you will need to add the sliced mushrooms for a brief period.  Preheat the incinerator to 350 and drain the death fluid from the dead carcass shreds. 

Once the salt water is boiling with rage, add the penne, which is what will give substance of the dish of evil you will soon be consuming.  Boil the floury intestines al dente, then drain.  Add the bovine remnants to the blood and mix.  Next return the ancient intestines to a pot, and combine with the flesh and blood.  Stir while thinking about how the pope would be weeping if he knew of the insult you have brought to his followers by preparing the entrails of their ancestors for consumption.  This is what they get for popularizing a religion that you hold in great disdain!   

Transfer the bloody mess to a 13X9 glass baking dish and cover with aluminum foil.  Laugh about how maybe the Roman Empire wouldn’t have fallen if they had been clever enough to properly use this element, which has proved quite useful to mankind since the first production in 1825.  Throw into your hatebox for 20 minutes.  This will be plenty of time to apply corpse paint and fashion a pope hat out of paper for the ceremonial desecration of a god held up by a feeble people. 

When the time is up, remove the metal and add the mozzarella cheese.   Place under the broiler for 2 minutes, or until brown.  Allow to rest for a few minutes, then consume.  You may save the remains for the following day.  Just cover with more metal and reheat at 200 degrees for about 30 minutes.