Kill Yourself Sandwich

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: Just you.  This should be your final meal.  

Things in which to torture and consume:

• 4 slices of thick cut bacon
• 4 slices of bread
• 8 slices of American cheese
• 1 egg
• Salt and pepper

Suicide prep:

Are you anxious to abandon your life on Earth so you may serve our Dark Lord for all of eternity in the afterlife?  Then this is the sandwich for you!  

Begin by queuing  up Pantera’s Suicide Note Pt I and Suicide Note Pt II on your audio listening device while you gather the ingredients which will result in a massive cardiac arrest shortly after you consume them.  Obtain a medium sized cast iron pan and begin torturing your swine strips atop your hellfire generator. 

Light 6 black candles and begin the music.  Lay out the bread pieces and put two pieces of cheese on each one.  Obtain a small cast iron pan and begin heating it over medium high hellfire on another burner. 

When the swine crap factory casing strips have been crisped through cruelty, extract and put them on two of the four slices of bread.  Construct two sandwiches and place one on top of a steel spatula.  Lower the sandwich into the medium sized pan where the swine was persecuted and let it suffer for about 5 seconds in the scalding fat.  This allows that particular piece of bread to soak up enough fat to be properly punished without burning.  Next, transfer the sandwich to the smaller pan, tortured side to the flame.  After about a minute and a half, transfer it back to the fat bath, this time soaking the side that has not yet suffered.  Move it back to the smaller pan and smash it flat with the spatula.  After another minute and a half, transfer to a plate.  Repeat with the other sandwich.

When you are cooking the final side of your suicide sandwich, crack the aborted bird embryo shell and deposit into the larger pan.  You’re going to cook an over easy egg, so do not break the yolk or overcook it.  Remember if you fail, you will not die and get to meet the Devil, so be cautious.  Be sure to adorn this ‘bird that never came to be’ with salt and pepper.

When the discarded chicken menstruation is done, carefully extract it and put it on top of one fried sandwich, then top it with the other sandwich.  Smash flat so the bird fluid explodes and soaks into the fried bread.  Consume.  If the ritual is performed correctly, you will be dead within the hour.  

Angelic Butt Plugs

Time: An hour or so

The shit:

• 1.5 cups of self rising flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions, softened
• ¼ tsp of salt
• 1 cup milk
• 2 eggs
• 2 tbsp vanilla extract
• Vanilla icing

Explanation:

Since god stripped his angels of their genitals, they must resort to butt play for erotic pleasure.  When god is off looking for his glasses or scolding Jesus for not eating his vegetables, they resort to scat and shoving large items up their rectums.  This happens often, so their assholes are as loose as a magnum sized condom on a premature baby’s arm.  Because of the lack of anal resistance, we can make spongy, moist butt plugs.  They’ll slide easily up into angel asses, and you can fit dozens in one angel!  

It just so happens that Satan’s minions consider angel feces to be a delicacy, since it’s white and tastes like vanilla.  It usually falls from the heavens and into the pit of hell at approximately 8:30 a.m. each day.  When the first ‘plop’ echoes throughout the netherworld, the damned scurry up from the depths to feast.

Construction of the poophole plugs:

Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Pulverize the softened churned bovine secretions with an automated mutilation device.  You can use hand held, but a stand mutilation device is easier.  Pulverize the shit out of it, until it is clearly whipped.  Next, add the fowl menstruation and beat some more.  Now add the sweet crystals of the devil, a little at a time until it is integrated into the disease-ridden mixture.

Dip your finger into the flour and hastily draw an inverted cross on your forehead.  Dump the vanilla into the milk you have already measured.  Add ¼ of the flour followed by ¼ of the milk.  Pulverize some more.  Repeat this until you have added all of it and it is integrated thoroughly.

Paper coverings on butt plugs are for douchebags, so you’re not going to use those.  Lube up a goddamn muffin pan with churned bovine secretions and fill each hole ¾ of the way with the infectious goo.  If you have a silicone muffin pan, it’ll make for easier extraction.  If you use a steel pan, you’re going to be fucked, and you'll likely have to decapitate your butt plugs and cut them out.  They'll still taste good, but they'll look like horse shit. 

If you fill up the holes with goo beyond 3/4, they’ll expand like a motherfucker in the oven, and make a huge goddamn mess.  So don’t do that.  Next, drink some of the frothy paste and think about how you might come down with a bad case of the shits later since you are effectively consuming raw menstruation. 

Place your goddamn pan in the hatebox for about 23 minutes.  Remove the butt plugs and stab one with a tooth pick, out of malice.  If it comes out clean, your plugs are done.  If not, cook for 2 min intervals until they have been dehydrated by the distress of the hate heat within the box. 

Let the scalding butt plugs cool for about 10 minutes.  You could make your own angel feces, but the shit in the can will work.  Slather a liberal amount of feces on top of each plug.  Devour, and get used to the taste, because in addition to brimstone and ash, this will probably be the only thing you’ll have to eat in the afterlife. 

Recipe yields 12 butt plugs. 

Hatred Fried Steak with Mephistopheles Mucus

Duration of the Ritual: 30 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 slaves of Satan

Hit list:

• 4 cube steaks
• 1 cup flour
• 2 discarded chicken embryos
• 2 tbsp milk
• Salt
• Pepper
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder
• Cayenne pepper
• 2 cups peanut oil

For Mucus:

• Salt
• Left over flour from breading
• Left over oil with dead chunks of burned flour and flesh
• 2 cups bovine secretions
• Black Pepper

Procedure in which to perform upon the damned:

Extract your meat from the package, which has been conveniently brutalized by your friendly neighborhood slaughterer beforehand.  Set it on a plate and cover both sides with the seasonings.  Start a blazing inferno beneath the oil until it has reached the hellish temperature of 400 degrees.

Next, obtain two small bowls.  In one, beat the ever loving shit out of the chicken menstruation and 2 tbsp of bovine secretions.  Deposit the flour in the other bowl.  Dip your maimed meat into the menstrual wash, and then into the bland dust.  Deposit into the pan with the oil. 

You’ll notice blood seeping up to the top of the exposed flesh and it sizzles and suffers in the pan.  Take your finger and run it through the reservoirs of pooled blood, and give it a good taste.  This will aid in quenching your bloodlust while your delicious meal is being prepared. 

After 5 or 6 minutes have elapsed, flip the shreds of mutilated carcass and fry for several more minutes.

For the mucus, spoon out some of the searing oil from the pan where the beast meat is suffering and place it into another pan, over medium-high hellfire.  Add 3 or 4 tbsp of the left over flour and whisk.  Be sure there are small chunks of dead flesh in it, or Satan will consider you to be a god-loving faggot, and sentence you to a mediocre afterlife in Purgatory.  After 4 or 5 minutes of whisking, add the bovine secretions and whisk some more.  Add salt to taste and pepper until the pepper is visible throughout the mucus. 

Remove the beast meat and slather in an unreasonable amount of mucus.  Consume.  

                                                                                                                                 

                            *Picture includes images of dressed and brutalized 

alien lady fingers and destroyed potatoes.

Destroyed Potatoes

Cooking time: 30 minutes

List of shit:

• 1.5 - 2 lbs of potatoes
• Unholy salted water
• 2 cloves of garlic, pulverized
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ¼ cup sour cream
• ¼  cup mayonnaise
• More salt

Details of the demise:

Fill a large cauldron ¾ of the way with unholy water and add a fuckton of salt.  Place upon your hellfire generator and start a large inferno beneath.  Next, rinse your doomed spuds.  You may remove the skins if you desire, but it is not necessary. 

Next cut into cubes and toss into the boiling bath of fatality.  Let them suffer for about 8-10 minutes.  Meanwhile, melt the churned bovine secretions in a small pan over medium hate along with the pulverized garlic.  Cook this until the garlic begins to brown. 

Once the taters have been tenderized through unimaginable torment, remove them and drain.  Place the steaming, starchy dead flesh into a large mixing bowl, along with the rest of the ingredients and garlic butter.  Use either an automated mutilation device or manual smashing tool.  I prefer manual, because it takes longer and effectively transmits the full force of my immeasurable hatred into the food.   If you are consuming with Hatred Fried Steak, Satan commands you to cover this sickening mess in Mephistopheles Mucus.   

*See Hatred Fried Steak with Mephistopheles Mucus recipe for image of above recipe

Fajitas Diablo

Cooking time: Several fucking hours

Feeds: 4 underlings

Killing list:

• 2-3 cheap ass thin beef steaks
• A pack of large flour tortillas
• 1 sliced onion
• 1 sliced bell pepper
• 1 slice jalapeno, with seeds and membranes included
• 1 diced tomato
• 8-10 button mushrooms, sliced
• 2 pulverized cloves of garlic
• 4 tbsp olive oil
• Juice from a lime
• Juice from another lime
• Salt
• A bunch of crushed red pepper
• 2 tbsp canola oil

The ritual:

Place your pieces of murdered beast into a sealable plastic bag along with the olive oil, crushed red pepper, one pulverized vampire repellent pod and lime juice.  Mix up really well, seal and place in the morgue for at least 12 hours.

The next day, remove the meat from the morgue and allow it to sit for at least an hour.  If you wish, you may beat your meat with a jagged mallet until you are satisfied.  Ignite the box in which contains the flames of Charon.  Place the unholy coals about an inch below the grate and allow them to reach their full intensity.   Place your beast meat and sear on each side for no longer than 2 minutes. You’ll want that delicious blood to mix with and enhance your appalling abomination.  While they are searing, squeeze fresh limey acid all over the disfigured slivers of burning animal flesh. 

After you have removed the meat allow it to rest for at least 5 minutes.  Remove the grate above the flames of Charon.  Obtain a large cast iron pan.  Add the canola oil and allow it to heat directly on the coals of the river Styx.  After a minute or so, add the disfigured vegetables minus the tomatoes with some salt and stir while the sure signs of death slowly manifest before your cold, dead eyes.  While this atrocity is unfolding in the pan, wrap the tortillas with foil and place in the hatebox as directed.  When the vegetables are limp and have lost quite a bit of color, add the tomatoes.  Scorch for a few more minutes, then remove. 

Slap the meat onto a board and slice into thin pieces, against the grain.  Place a tortilla on a plate and add the meat, then the vegetables.  Pour excess blood from your slicing board over the defiled mess.  If you wish, you may add condiments such as sour cream, cheese, salsa, etc.   You will be held in high regard once you reach the black gates of Hell if you choose condiments with the highest number of Scoville units.  Consume.  

Satan’s Vile Vomit with Chunks of Swine

Torture time: 1 hour

Feeds: More fuckers than you'd think

Kill list:

• 1lb of split peas
• 2 tsp coriander
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp turmeric
• 2 tsp cumin
• Small amount of cayenne pepper
• Small amount of ground mustard
• Small amount of ginger
• 1 onion, sliced into pieces
• 2 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 2 cloves of garlic, pulverized
• 5 cups of chicken juice
• 1-2 cups of left over swine chunks

The construction of the regurgitation:

Begin by carefully drawing a circle on the floor with all-purpose flour.  Next, draw an inverted 5 pointed star with the flour that supposedly can be used for anything.  Kneel and perform an audible prayer to Satan, asking for him for strength while preparing a scalding replica of his vile and hideous vomit in which your soul will marinate in for all of eternity immediately after your demise upon this planet.   

  

In a cauldron, sweat the onion and garlic in the churned bovine secretions over medium hellfire.  Add the salt and wait for the onions to lose their color, which is the signal they are thoroughly void of all life.  Add the foul fowl fluid and turn up the hate to medium high.  Rinse the peas in unholy water, then add to the concoction that should be boiling violently at this point, along with the rest of the ingredients, minus the swine.  Cover and reduce the hellfire.

After about 35 minutes, remove the cover and use an immersion pulverizer to grind the contents into a green pile of steaming, demonic puke.  When it has reached the consistency of 3 day old goat bile, discarded after a ceremonial slaughter, sprinkle with chunks of swine meat and serve.