Kill Yourself Sandwich

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: Just you.  This should be your final meal.  

Things in which to torture and consume:

• 4 slices of thick cut bacon
• 4 slices of bread
• 8 slices of American cheese
• 1 egg
• Salt and pepper

Suicide prep:

Are you anxious to abandon your life on Earth so you may serve our Dark Lord for all of eternity in the afterlife?  Then this is the sandwich for you!  

Begin by queuing  up Pantera’s Suicide Note Pt I and Suicide Note Pt II on your audio listening device while you gather the ingredients which will result in a massive cardiac arrest shortly after you consume them.  Obtain a medium sized cast iron pan and begin torturing your swine strips atop your hellfire generator. 

Light 6 black candles and begin the music.  Lay out the bread pieces and put two pieces of cheese on each one.  Obtain a small cast iron pan and begin heating it over medium high hellfire on another burner. 

When the swine crap factory casing strips have been crisped through cruelty, extract and put them on two of the four slices of bread.  Construct two sandwiches and place one on top of a steel spatula.  Lower the sandwich into the medium sized pan where the swine was persecuted and let it suffer for about 5 seconds in the scalding fat.  This allows that particular piece of bread to soak up enough fat to be properly punished without burning.  Next, transfer the sandwich to the smaller pan, tortured side to the flame.  After about a minute and a half, transfer it back to the fat bath, this time soaking the side that has not yet suffered.  Move it back to the smaller pan and smash it flat with the spatula.  After another minute and a half, transfer to a plate.  Repeat with the other sandwich.

When you are cooking the final side of your suicide sandwich, crack the aborted bird embryo shell and deposit into the larger pan.  You’re going to cook an over easy egg, so do not break the yolk or overcook it.  Remember if you fail, you will not die and get to meet the Devil, so be cautious.  Be sure to adorn this ‘bird that never came to be’ with salt and pepper.

When the discarded chicken menstruation is done, carefully extract it and put it on top of one fried sandwich, then top it with the other sandwich.  Smash flat so the bird fluid explodes and soaks into the fried bread.  Consume.  If the ritual is performed correctly, you will be dead within the hour.