Classic Pan Seared Onion Hateburger with Fungus and Coagulated Bovine Secretions

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: Two hungry assholes

The damned:

• 1 lb pulverized bovine meat
• 1 small onion, diced
• 4 slices of cheese, your choice
• 4 button mushrooms, sliced thick
• 4 buns
• 8 strips of bacon
• Salt
• Pepper

The ceremony of cruelty:

First, cook the bacon in a griddle or a large cast iron pan.  After the bacon has been darkened and rendered crispy, extract.  Crank the heat of your hellfire generator up to high.  Divide your pulverized beast meat into quarters and roll into balls.  Cover in salt and pepper.  Toss on top of the searing metal and smash flat with your probing device.  Carefully add the onions to each patty and smash into the screaming flesh. 

After a minute or two, flip and smash to ensure the onions are embedded into the flesh.  The side exposed to the suffering should be slightly blackened on the outside from the enormous amount of searing hate coming from below.  Use the rendered fat to singe the fungus in the vacant spaces.  Top the patties with the cheese of your choice and cover the pan with aluminum foil to ensure the coagulated bovine secretions liquefy over the flesh.  Swiss and American are good choices, but any flavorful soft cheese will work.

Meanwhile, use your death from above unit to toast the insides of the buns.  When the meat is completely void of life, extract and place onto the buns that have been slathered with condiments of your choice.  I have a severe mustard fetish, so this is a must for me, even though it makes for a hellish laundry day when I finally get around to washing sheets. 

Smash the fungus into the cheese, along with the swine belly, assuming you haven’t already accidentally consumed the delicious beast strips while anxiously awaiting the completion of the ritual.  This happens often, but as long as dead animal ends up inside of you, Satan will look the other way.  Next, use your digestive tract to metabolize this dead animal into feces.