Hatesgiving Dressing

Cook time:  Long enough to make you hate

Feeds: A fuckton of fuckers

List for basic scornbread:

• 1 cup self rising cornmeal
• ½ cup self rising flour
• ¾ cup milk
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1 tbsp vinegar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 chicken embryos
• 2 tbsp canola oil

Dressing list:

• 1 pan of cornbread, destroyed
• 6 slices of lightly toasted bread
• 1 sleeve of saltine crackers
• 7 cups of fowl fluid
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions
• 4 eggs
• 3 stalks of celery, sliced thinly
• 1 large onion, diced
• Salt
• Pepper
• 2 tbsp sage
• 1 tbsp fowl seasoning

A word of hatred

Unlike the worthless holiday Thanksgiving, Hatesgiving is not to be celebrated on a particular day, once a year.  Any day is a good day for Hatesgiving, and you can celebrate it daily if you wish!  This will make enough dressing to feed your entourage of soulless minions while you give hate for the occasion.  It also goes well with whatever maimed and tortured animal you wish to consume.

Procedure

Before you begin, you’re going to need to make sure you have a huge fucking bowl that all of this shit will fit in.  Otherwise, you’ll be completely fucked.  The first time I made this I thought I was fucked, but I found a giant fucking bamboo salad bowl that someone discarded on my property.   Otherwise I would have had to use a 5 gallon bucket. 

Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Put some oil in a cast iron pan and put into the oven so it gets screaming hot.  Add the vinegar to the milk and let it curdle for about 10 minutes. This prevents you from having to use buttermilk, since the normal metalhead doesn’t have such an ingredient on hand. 

Next, combine and mix up all of the ingredients for the scornbread with your handheld automated torture device.  When the hatebox has reached 350, extract the pan and add the soupy mess.  It’ll scream with agony as it makes contact with the lubricated, scalding iron.  After 20 minutes have passed, stab it with a toothpick out of spite.  If it comes out clean, the shit is done.  Remove it and let it cool.   

Think of metal videos to search for on YouTube and do this for an hour.  Remember, the ones from the 80s and early 90s are funny.  Next, lightly burn your sliced bread just enough to where there is no moisture left inside.  Throw them into the big fucking bowl along with the cold and tortured scornbread. 

Use the pan you used to cook the scornbread to melt the butter.  Add your maimed vegetables and cook for about 10 minutes over medium hate until they have lost all signs of life, but do not burn.  While these unspeakable events are unfolding before you, viciously destroy your chicken menstruation sacs in a small bowl with a fork. 

Pound the bread and scornbread into dust.  Next take the crackers in the pack and smash them.  Then open the pack and pour into the bowl.  Add the spices, then the scalding vegetables.  Next add the fowl fluid, allowing it to cool the vegetables.  Finally, add the menstruation.

Take a large flesh shovel and thoroughly mix while the fictitious lord and savior in heaven weeps at your evil abomination.  Obtain a 13 X 9 baking dish and lube up with a fat of your choice.  Bacon fat is ideal, and will add some mammal to your Hatesgiving side dish.  Pour the revolting mess into the dish and smash it in as best as you can.  You will make it fit.  Place in the 350 degree hatebox and torture for 45-60 minutes. 

Extract and let cool for a few minutes.  Dig out a generous helping and devour while remembering what you’re hateful for.