Ensalada del Diablo with Retortured Beans

Time: More than 12 hours

Feeds: 2 or 3 ravenous metalheads

List:

For meat:

• 1 lb pulverized beef
• Taco seasoning
• 1 can black olives
• ½ onion, mutilated into small pieces

For pulverized fart pods:

• 2 cups beans
• A bunch of unholy water
• 1 carton of beef broth
• ½ onion, mutilated into small pieces
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp cilantro
• 1 tbsp cumin
• 1 tbsp coriander
• 1 tsp cayenne
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Tobasco sauce
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp olive oil

For construction:

• Iceberg lettuce
• 4 taco shell bowls
• Sour cream
• Cheese

Required tooling:

• Immersion pulverizer
• The Sacrament:

You discover you have some goddamn dried beans that require soaking for 8-12 hours.  Sure, you can soak them, and cook them as directed, but that’s lame as shit.  Here’s a way to properly enjoy your flatulence pods the way Satan intended; with mixed with dead animal that’s been saturated in capsaicin.

Begin by soaking the beans in unholy water over night.  Most any beans will do.  I used navy because that’s what I found, but kidney beans would also be ideal.  The next day, drain and rinse.  Then add them to the pot along with the bovine juice, ½ of the onion and everything else except the oil.  Place on the hellfire generator and turn the hate heat up to high.  When the liquid in the cauldron begins to boil, causing the other ingredients to suffer, reduce the heat to medium and cover for an hour. 

After an hour as passed, remove the lid, crank the hellfire back up and begin preparing your dead animal.  Place in the pan with the rest of the onion, and add some salt.  Sear all of the pink out of the flesh, then drain the scalding fat from the deceased beast meat.  Return the meat to the pan, add the taco seasoning as directed along with some unholy water then cook over low hellfire until the juices have been absorbed.   When the meat is nearing completion, stir in the olives.

By now, the liquid your fart pods have been sweltering in should have reduced.  Extract your immersion pulverizer, add the olive oil and lay waste to the little fuckers, until they resemble vomit and feces mixed together.  Cover and turn off the hate heat. 

Next warm your taco shell bowls as directed in your hate box.  Extract and plop a spoonful of destroyed beans in the bottom.  Then shred some lettuce and put on top.  You don’t have to use lettuce, since it is typically used as a feed for flavoring the meat of animals I enjoy eating, like rabbits, but whatever.  Next add the meat to the bowl.  Add sour cream and cheese, then stir all of that shit up.  After you consume one or two of these bowls, you’ll be able to fill the air with farts that burn like fire and smell like decaying corpse.