Die Scream, Poisoned with Mint and Flecks of Filthy Grogans

Time: A long ass time

Shitlist:

• 4 cups of half and half
• 1 tbsp peppermint extract
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup sugar
• ¼ tsp salt
• 3 drops of green food coloring
• 1 ½ cups of tiny semisweet chocolate chips
• Frozen unholy water, smashed into bits
• A fuckton of giant salt crystals

Required equipment:

• Churning bucket of icy death

Procedure:

Our miserable planet is often as hot as hell.  It’s always hot in hell, but there’s really nothing you can do about it.  To curb your misery during your pointless life, you can make a delicious frozen vat of churned bovine secretions and fat flavored with various poisons and hallucinogens.  Here’s one example:

The night before you plan to actually churn your frozen mess, you’ll need to go ahead and mix up everything in the churning cylinder.  Dump everything in, minus the feces flecks.  And do not be stupid enough to dump the frozen unholy water and huge salt crystals into the cylinder.  They’re used for the persecution, not flavoring.  Probe the concoction furiously with a whisk and stash in the very back of your morgue over night to get a proper chill.

The next day, go to the morgue and extract the canister.  Place it into your churning bucket and insert the torture paddle, along with the lid.  Surround the canister with layers of the unholy ice and giant salt crystals.  Place the motor on top of the canister and get to brutalizin’. 

After you have listened to the first three tracks of Hypocrisy’s The Final Chapter, stop the brutalizin’ and add the feces.  Resume torturing your soothing Satan-serve.  When the album is over, it should be done.  You can consume as is, but it’ll melt quickly.  If you stash it in the cryogenic storage for about 4 hours, it’ll firm up.