Isolationist Beast Steak, Beaten, Stabbed and Boiled in Fruity Acid

Time: 6 hours

Feeds: 3 or 4 ungrateful bastards

Things to kill:

• 3 or 4 bottom round steaks
• ¼ cup of flour
• Assload of salt
• Assload of pepper
• One large onion, carved into bits
• 4 cloves of garlic, smashed to death
• 4 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• An unreasonable amount of rendered swine belly fat
• 2 tbsp oregano
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 1 can of tomato sauce
• 2 cups of bovine juice, extracted from the bones and connective tissue

Required tools:

• Small, pointy dagger
• Prolonged torture cauldron
• Flesh annihilator

The execution:

Begin by laying out your hunks of flesh and covering the in salt and pepper.  Next, take a sealable bag and deposit the flour within.  Toss one hunk of flesh into the bag and shake violently.  Set the flesh on a board and repeat with the other steaks.

 

Next you will convey your murderous rage into the meat.  Spread your legs, taking a wide stance.  Place your weak hand onto the counter, and hang our head ominously above your target.  Lower your brow and widen your eyes.   Angrily frown as you grip your flesh annihilator in your strong hand and begin to beat the ever loving shit out of the flesh, like you’re trying to get it to tell you where the money is.  Flip it over and repeat.  Beat for a perverse amount of time.  If flour and blood is flying throughout the air, then you’re doing it correctly. 

Now get your small, pointy dagger.  Stab it quickly and savagely, over and over.   You’re going to want to stab each beast slab at least 75 times.  Take pleasure in the fact knowing that if your hunk of flesh were indeed a murder victim, the medical examiner would probably lose sleep for days over such a horrendous mutilation. 

Place all viciously disfigured pieces of meat back into the bag.  Obtain a large cast iron pan and deposit the swine fat over medium-high hellfire.  When it melts and becomes capable of quickly exterminating life, recoat the dead beast flesh in flour and deposit into the scalding fat bath.

Sear for a minute on each side.  Extract and place into the prolonged torture cauldron.  Now add the destroyed onions and garlic into fat.  Let them suffer while probing for about 5 minutes, then add ¼ of the tomato sauce.  Cook for another couple of minutes, probing the entire time.  Deposit into the prolonged torture cauldron, covering the meat.  Dump in the rest of the ingredients and set the temp on high hellfire.  Cover and find something to do, such as planning a real murder.  Or you could wash that Arsis shirt you’ve been wearing for 3 weeks straight, you filthy bastard. 

After about 5 hours have passed, prepare your unholy grains.  Boil them in bovine fluid, and add some goddamn salt and butter.  If you dare look within the realm of the prolonged torture cauldron, you will notice the beast meat has taken about all it can stand.  Extract and cover the dead animal and grains in the acidic gravy you have constructed.   Consume and stay close to a shitter, because bacon fat can act as a natural bowel lubricant when consumed in large quantities.