Hatecakes

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 4 soulless flesh bags bound for Hell

List:

• 1.5 cups self rising flour
• 1 tbsp sugar
• ¼ teaspoon baking soda
• One aborted chicken embryo
• ¼ cup vanilla yogurt
• ¾ cup bovine secretions
• Splash of white vinegar
• Small amount of salt
• 1 stick of bovine secretions, 2 tbsp melted
• Non-stick spray

Required tooling:

• Automated handheld torture device
• Rectangular fiery bed of death

Ritual:

If you have a rectangular fiery bed of death with its own power supply, go ahead and fire it up.  If you’re like me, and have a large rectangular fiery bed of death pan, put it across two burners and fire up some medium high hate heat beneath it.

Get a measuring cup and pour the bovine secretions in, along with the vinegar to add culture by spoiling it.  Next, add the flour, salt, sugar, baking soda, aborted bird, homosexual rotten bovine secretions with vanilla flavoring, and melted churned bovine secretions to a big ass bowl.  Sing hymns of Satan loudly as you wait for the vinegar to turn the bovine secretions rancid, then add it to the bowl.

Mutilate with your automated torture device.  If the mess is too thick, thin it with some bovine secretions.  Spray your fucking rectangular bed of death with the non-stick spray and use a flesh shovel to deposit a little more than ¼ a cup of the sickening disaster fluid onto the searing surface.  I usually cook two at a time, one over each burner. 

After tiny craters begin to develop from the unimaginable suffering the dying disc is experiencing beneath, use a large probing device to flip.  Upon extraction from the pan, put one tbsp. of butter of each hatecake and set in a warm hatebox until the entire batch has been cooked.   Carefully examine the scorch patterns on each hatecake.  If you’re one of the fortunate, a face, demonic in origin, will appear on at least one of the cakes.  This means you are held in good esteem by the ruler of the Underworld, Lord Satan.

Cover in blood from the trees of the midnight sun, and consume.

*Note the image of the disfigured, tortured face of a soul Satan 
has burned into the surface of a perfectly prepared hatecake.