Faguettes

Time: 1.5 hours

The shit:

• 5 cups of bread flour
• 2 tbsp salt
• 2 cups warm unholy water
• 1 small pack of rapid rise yeast
• Some sugar
• 2 tbsp vegetable oil
• Small amount of corn meal

Required equipment:

• Automated torture device with meat hook

Fatal Formula:

Start by depositing the unholy water into a measuring cup with the sugar.  Next dump in the microscopic zombies, which will reanimate and feast upon the sugar.  After about 10 minutes, you’ll see and smell evidence of the feast and flatulence. 

Turn your hatebox to its lowest setting.  120 would be ideal, but if it doesn’t go that low, just fire it up for a few minutes then turn it off.  Next, dump 3 cups of the flour into a large bowl along with half the oil and all of the salt.  Pour in the ravenous zombies and mix with the automated torture device.  While it is mixing, add the rest of the flour.  Before long it’ll be a nasty elastic ball, being devoured by vermin. 

Coat the ball with the rest of the oil, place in the bowl and cover with a large jizz towel.  Place the covered bowl in the slightly warm hatebox and go off for about 45 minutes to work on lyrics for your mediocre metal band. 

When the flatulence of the ravenous zombies have caused your dead grain ball to double in size, extract and punch it in the face.  Preheat your hatebox to 375.  Toss some flour on the counter and get violent with the ball, stretching it and making it pay dearly.  Form it back into a ball, then slice in half with your dagger.

Next roll the two pieces into large phallic shapes.  Place the giant zombie phalluses onto an oily pan, dust with cornmeal and slit it several times, diagonally.   Torture in the searing hatebox and wait for 20 minutes.

After the time has elapsed, extract and spray with unholy water.  Place it back into the hatebox to suffer for 10 more minutes. 

When the time is up, all of the zombies will be dead once again and the phalluses will have stiffened considerably.  You may now consume with the dead animal of your choice.