Angelic Butt Plugs

Time: An hour or so

The shit:

• 1.5 cups of self rising flour
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions, softened
• ¼ tsp of salt
• 1 cup milk
• 2 eggs
• 2 tbsp vanilla extract
• Vanilla icing

Explanation:

Since god stripped his angels of their genitals, they must resort to butt play for erotic pleasure.  When god is off looking for his glasses or scolding Jesus for not eating his vegetables, they resort to scat and shoving large items up their rectums.  This happens often, so their assholes are as loose as a magnum sized condom on a premature baby’s arm.  Because of the lack of anal resistance, we can make spongy, moist butt plugs.  They’ll slide easily up into angel asses, and you can fit dozens in one angel!  

It just so happens that Satan’s minions consider angel feces to be a delicacy, since it’s white and tastes like vanilla.  It usually falls from the heavens and into the pit of hell at approximately 8:30 a.m. each day.  When the first ‘plop’ echoes throughout the netherworld, the damned scurry up from the depths to feast.

Construction of the poophole plugs:

Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Pulverize the softened churned bovine secretions with an automated mutilation device.  You can use hand held, but a stand mutilation device is easier.  Pulverize the shit out of it, until it is clearly whipped.  Next, add the fowl menstruation and beat some more.  Now add the sweet crystals of the devil, a little at a time until it is integrated into the disease-ridden mixture.

Dip your finger into the flour and hastily draw an inverted cross on your forehead.  Dump the vanilla into the milk you have already measured.  Add ¼ of the flour followed by ¼ of the milk.  Pulverize some more.  Repeat this until you have added all of it and it is integrated thoroughly.

Paper coverings on butt plugs are for douchebags, so you’re not going to use those.  Lube up a goddamn muffin pan with churned bovine secretions and fill each hole ¾ of the way with the infectious goo.  If you have a silicone muffin pan, it’ll make for easier extraction.  If you use a steel pan, you’re going to be fucked, and you'll likely have to decapitate your butt plugs and cut them out.  They'll still taste good, but they'll look like horse shit. 

If you fill up the holes with goo beyond 3/4, they’ll expand like a motherfucker in the oven, and make a huge goddamn mess.  So don’t do that.  Next, drink some of the frothy paste and think about how you might come down with a bad case of the shits later since you are effectively consuming raw menstruation. 

Place your goddamn pan in the hatebox for about 23 minutes.  Remove the butt plugs and stab one with a tooth pick, out of malice.  If it comes out clean, your plugs are done.  If not, cook for 2 min intervals until they have been dehydrated by the distress of the hate heat within the box. 

Let the scalding butt plugs cool for about 10 minutes.  You could make your own angel feces, but the shit in the can will work.  Slather a liberal amount of feces on top of each plug.  Devour, and get used to the taste, because in addition to brimstone and ash, this will probably be the only thing you’ll have to eat in the afterlife. 

Recipe yields 12 butt plugs.