Elbow Atrocity

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: 6-8 servants

Shitlist:

• 8 oz elbow macaroni
• 1lb pulverized bovine flesh
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 can corn, drained
• 1 can black beans
• 1 onion, raped to pieces
• 1 pack taco seasoning
• 2 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp AP flour
• 2 cups bovine juice
• 1 ¼ cup cheddar coagulated bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of black pepper
• 1 tbsp tabasco sauce

The Execution:

Begin by obtaining a large cast iron pan and two large cauldrons.  Fill one large cauldron ¾ of the way with unholy water and a fuckton of salt.  Place on the hatebox over high hellfire until the unholy water boils furiously.  Add the elbows and persecute for 6 minutes and 66 seconds.  When that time has elapsed, drain and set aside.

While the elbows are busy, perishing, add the bovine flesh and onion with more salt to the cast iron pan, which is heating over medium high hellfire.  Torture until all of the blood has boiled away and only greasy death fluids remain.  Drain the death fluids.  Return the meat to the pan, add the taco seasoning and all of the canned shit.  Stir to combine. 

Place your persecuted elbows into a casserole dish.  Now preheat your hatebox to 350.  In the second cauldron, dissolve the churned bovine secretions until it is completely liquefied and scalding.  Add the flour and stir to make a roux.  Stir the garlic powder, tabasco and finally the bovine secretions.  Stir until the first signs of boiling occurs, then remove from heat.  Stir for about 30 seconds, and Satan will reward you by thickening your concoction.  Now stir in 1 cup of the coagulated bovine secretions.   

Pour the coagulated, steaming, sickening mess you have created over the elbows.  Then pour the disfigured and desecrated flesh on top.  Finally, top with the remaining coagulations. 

Place in the hatebox and torment for 25 minutes.  Extract, devour, excrete, repeat.  

Sea Roaches of Sodom

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: Up to 2 Sodomites

List:

• 1 cup bovine secretions
• 1 tbsp white vinegar
• ½ cup hot sauce
• 1 lb raw sea roaches
• ½ cup corn meal
• ½ cup flour
• 1.5 tsp baking powder
• Fuckton of salt
• Black pepper
• 1 tbsp Old Bay
• A bunch of canola or peanut oil

Required tools:

• Cauldron of oily expiration

The repugnant act:

Make sure your sea roaches are peeled and the shit sac is removed.  You can do this by making a shallow incision along the spine and removing the tube of shit with your dirty fingernail.  If you’re too lazy to do this, that’s fine.  You’re already a filthy sodomite, so might as well add ‘consumer of scat’ to your resume.

While this is going on, preheat the oil in your cauldron of oily expiration to 375 degrees.  Wash your sea roaches in cold unholy water.  Pat dry and sprinkle with salt and pepper.  Combine the vinegar and bovine secretions in a cup and wait for a few minutes, until the vinegar has absolutely ruined the milk.  Then stir in the hot sauce. 

Combine the dry ingredients, and toss your dead sea roaches in, covering thoroughly.  Then momentarily soak them in the spoiled milk/hot sauce concoction.  Extract them from the spicy rotten milk and throw them back into the pulverized grains and seasonings, recoating their tiny corpses with soon-to-be deliciousness.    

Lower the basket into the depth of the hellish oil bath.  Toss the dead and dressed sea roaches in and persecute for 3 or 4 minutes.  They’ll curl up from the pain, and their flesh will be rendered a deadly shade of pink. 

Extract, douse with lemon juice and devour.  You may remove the tails and put on a U-boat slathered with tartar sauce and Tobasco to make a satisfying sandwich. 

Tools of Torture

It has come to our attention the lingo we use for some of our torture devices can cause some confusion.  Here is a photographic guide:

                                                                                                     Death from above unit:

Atmospheric intensifier:

              Cryogenic storage:

                                                                     Flesh annihilator: 

Defleshers: 

                    The morgue:

                                                                          Ass pinchers:

Automated mutilation device:

 

Meat hook and paddle punisher attachments for automated mutilation device:

                              Castrator:

                                                                     Cauldron of oily expiration:

Churning bucket of icy death:

                                    Daggers:

Death grinder:

                                                                      Death indicators:

Flesh scraper:

                  Flesh shovels:

The box in which holds the flames of Charon:

                                                                                                  Handheld automated mutilation device:

                      Handheld flesh scraper:

Hate box:

                                                                                   Hellfire generator:

                          Immersion pulverizer:

                                                                                 Impalers:

Nuclear hate box:

                      Impaling fork dagger

                                                                            Prolonged torture cauldron:

                        Probing devices:

Pulverizer:

                                                                                  Rectangular bed of fiery death:

                        Serrated daggers:

The destroyer:

                                                                                  Anger Food Cake pan:

Powder shitter:

                            Bastard Brush:

Emperor pan:

Mephistopheles Patties

Time: 1.5 hours

The doomed:

• 1 ¼ cups AP flour
• 1 cup self rising flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 chicken embryo
• ¼ cup bovine secretions
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 sticks churned bovine secretions
• 1 cup sugar
• ¾ cup brown sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 cup Mephistopheles candies

Required tooling:

• Automated mutilation device

Procedure:

Place the sticks of churned bovine secretions on your altar and allow them to come up to room temperature.  While you’re waiting, combine the bovine secretions, embryo and vanilla in a bowl and destroy with a whisk. 

After about 30 minutes of endless waiting, put the churned bovine secretions in the automated mutilation device’s bowl and beat the living shit out of it.  While violence is being transmitted, preheat the hatebox to 375 hate units.  When the shit in the bowl starts to get creamy, add the sugars.  The granules of sugar are abrasive, and will cut that creamy churned bovine secretion mess all the way to the fucking bone.  Kick up the speed, make it suffer. 

While the churned bovine secretions are getting the shit beat out of them, combine the flours and other dry ingredients.  Pour the aborted fowl fluid mixture into the churning bowl of hatred.  Let it all mix into a vile mess, then slowly add the flour mixture.  Let this go for awhile.  You might have to momentarily stop the violence and scrape the viscera from the sides of the bowl, forcing them back towards the bottom.

When the sickening shit looks thoroughly combined, add the Mephistopheles candies.  Fold them in by hand, unless you like crushed and broken Mephistopheles candies in which melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 

Take a baking sheet and spray it with aerosol oil or line with parchment paper.   Measure out 1 tbsp of the abominable creation for each patty.  Space them about 4 or 5 inches apart, or else they’ll spread and conjoin during the final torturing process. 

Agonize for 14 minutes in the hate box.  Extract and allow the patties to cool on a plate.  Pour yourself a large glass of bovine secretions and devour.  

Fleshball U-Boats, Drenched in Blood

Feeds: 4 slaves

Time: A few hours

U-Boat list:

• 4 ½ cups AP flour
• ¼ cup canola oil
• 2 ¼ tsp dry active zombies
• 1.5 tbsp salt
• 1 ½ cups of warm unholy water
• 2 tbsp sugar

Maimed flesh:

• 1 lb pulverized bovine creature
• 2 fowl embryo nuclei
• ½ cups bread crumbs of the emperor
• 1/3 cups parmesan coagulated bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp parsley
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp basil
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Smashed black olives
• 4 tbsp olive oil

Blood:

• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp oregano
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper

Required tooling:

• Automated mutilation device with meathook and punishment paddle

Construction of the U-boats:

Begin by depositing your zombies into a measuring cup and pour in the warm unholy water.  The unholiness should be heated to 105 F before mixing with the zombies.  Add the sugar and stir.  Let the zombies reanimate and feast for about 10 minutes. 

Transfer the sickening mess to the bowl of your automated mutilation device, making sure the meathook is attached.  Add the oil and set forth a slow, torturing motion.  Carefully add the flour and salt.  Allow the meathook to beat the shit out of the contents for about 5 minutes. 

The mutilated ball of abomination is going to be pretty fucking sticky.  Lube up your hand with oil, and remove the festering death ball.  Lube up the bowl and put the ball back into the bowl, making sure it is slickened with oil.  Cover with a towel and allow it to rise with zombie flatulence in a slightly warm hatebox for 45 minutes.

After the time has elapsed, extract the bowl and punch the ball in the face.  Remove it and roll it around in flour.  There should be about 36 oz of death that lay before you, so you can make 9 small U-boats by pinching off 4 oz at a time.  If you want bigger U-boats, do the fucking math.  Carefully, yet sadistically roll into small phallic shapes, and set on top of a parchment paper lined pan.  Cover again and allow the phalluses to become chubby, which will take about 20 minutes.  Make a slit down the center of each U-boat with a dagger, about 1/4" deep.  

Since the flatulence will have caused the phalluses to swell significantly, you might need another pan to prevent potential sword fighting.  Preheat the hatebox to 400 and persecute for about 15 minutes.  You might want to rotate the pans halfway through to make sure each U-boat is tortured evenly. 

The ceremonious sacrifice of the bovine flesh:

Before you begin, you’ll need to prepare your blood.  Deposit all of the ingredients into a small sauce pan and start a small hellfire beneath.  Elevate the hate until the blood is almost angry enough to boil.  Stir occasionally to prevent coagulation on the bottom of the pan.   

Next, add your destroyed bovine meat and all of the other ingredients (except oil) to the bowl of your automation mutilation device, making sure you have the punishment paddle attached.   Beat the shit out of this appalling concoction for about 5 minutes, or until everything is thoroughly combined.

Now take about a tbsp. of meat out of the batch and roll it into a perfectly round sphere.  If your flesh ball resembles a lumpy, tumor, you did it wrong.  It has to be fucking round.  Repeat with the rest of the batch of dead meat until there is nothing left to kill. 

Place a large pan atop your hellfire generator and start a medium high hellfire beneath it.  Add the oil.  After the oil has surely reached a lethal temperature, deposit the raw flesh balls and put a lid on top.  Wait a couple of minutes then give the pan a good jerk to roll the beast balls around in the scalding oil bath.  After about 15 minutes, they will be done.  If they’re not, a little raw flesh won’t kill you.  And if it does; too fucking bad. 

Unhallowed dedication of the completed U-boats:

Obtain a U-boat and carve a V into the top with a serrated dagger.   You can remove the wedge and consume or discard.  A fun thing I like doing; I eat them in front of bums and moan like I’m getting a good blowjob.  This lets them know how good my bread wedges are.  If they’re hungry and try to rob me of my bread wedges, I draw my weapon and pistol whip them behind the nearest dumpster.  But since you’re an angry metalhead and probably about $20 away from living on the street, I wouldn’t advise this.  Those guys might be watching your back pretty soon, since all of the good jobs require drug testing.

Repeat with all of the U-boats. 

Next stuff as much flesh as you can into the open wounds of the U-boats.  Then top with blood, and mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions.  Place the U-boats on a pan and place under your death from above unit until the coagulations begin to brown.  Extract and consume. 

Maimed Root Vegetable Infused with Coagulated Bovine Secretions, Swine Gut and Discarded Menstruation

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: 4-6 minions

The Damned:

• 1.5 lbs of red potatoes
• 6 Slices of swine belly strips
• 8 discarded chicken embryos
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 5 cloves of garlic, smashed and ripped to shreds
• 3 Jalapeno peppers, lacerated into bits
• 2 cups sharp cheddar coagulated bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of black pepper
• 1 cup whole bovine secretions

Awaken to serve the Dark Lord:

This ritual will help alleviate your horrific hangover the morning after you blew your whole paycheck on $6 Pabst Blue Ribbons the night before at the metal show.  The rendered fat will help lube up your interior, forcing you to expel the wretchedness within.

Begin by carving the swine gut into chunks and tossing into a large cast iron pan over medium high hellfire.  While the pork is screaming from the searing of its flesh, use your time to disarticulate the red spuds into cubes, and go ahead and rape your onion, jap pepper and garlic. 

When the meat has suffered sufficiently, extract and add the potatoes to the greasy mess the swine left behind.  Torture for about 10 minutes, then add the onion, garlic and jap peppers.  Probe every so often.  While this batch of the ritual is being executed, abort your 8 chickens and whisk in the bovine secretions.

 

Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Transfer the dead spuds, onion, garlic and swine chunks to a 13 X 9 dish and mix to combine.  Add the salt and coagulated bovine secretions to the fowl cunt slime and stir to infuse.  Pour this nasty shit over the potatoes and crack some goddamn pepper over the top of it.  Insert into the hatebox.  Bake your putrid mess for about 35 minutes, or until the liquefied flesh of the dead, scrambled bird babies have been scorched back into a solid.  Extract and devour.  

Fowl Salad

Time: 2 goddamn hours

Feeds: 4 hungry minions

Killing list:

• 2 Split chicken titties, skin on, bone in
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tsp oregano
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp thyme
• 1 tbsp black pepper
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp onion powder
• 2 sprigs of rosemary
• ½ cup mayonnaise
• ¼ cup dill relish
• ½ cup almonds
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tbsp lemon juice
• 1 stalk celery, chopped fine
• More black pepper

Directions for Death:

Begin by preheating your hate box to 350 hate units.  Pull back the skin from the boob meat and stuff it full of the herbs and spices you have mixed beforehand.  Pierce the skin of each titty with the rosemary springs, so the rosemary is touching the raw flesh of mammaries that weren’t designed to product milk.

Next insert into the hatebox and cook until the microbes have been executed, approximately 165 degrees F.  Extract and allow to cool.

After the dead bird chesticles have cooled down to room temperature, rip the skin off and consume.  Next rip the meat from the bone, and carve into 2 cm chunks with your dagger.   Launch the bones outside and hope an annoying, innocent animal chokes to death on them.  

Now you're going to slit your nuts with the dagger.  Take a nut and slit it long ways, much like you'd do if you planning on seriously killing yourself by slitting your wrists.  Cut it at least twice.  Repeat until you can't take it anymore, then do it some more until all are slit.  You could just buy slivered almonds, but that requires you locate them in the store, which can be more difficult than actually doing the work.  When you're done with the seemingly endless amount of nuts, throw them into a searing hot pan.  Stir them around for about 10 minutes until they start smelling like goddamn pop corn.  Extinguish the heat and let them cool for a few minutes.

Throw the disgraced fowl tits into a bowl and squirt with the citrus acid.  Stir, so the searing acid seeps into the flesh.  Now add the slit and tortured nuts, celery, relish, mayo, mustard and black pepper.  Mix thoroughly, and chill in the morgue.  After about an hour, extract and serve on faguette slices.