Mephistopheles Patties

Time: 1.5 hours

The doomed:

• 1 ¼ cups AP flour
• 1 cup self rising flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• 1 chicken embryo
• ¼ cup bovine secretions
• 2 tsp vanilla extract
• 2 sticks churned bovine secretions
• 1 cup sugar
• ¾ cup brown sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 cup Mephistopheles candies

Required tooling:

• Automated mutilation device

Procedure:

Place the sticks of churned bovine secretions on your altar and allow them to come up to room temperature.  While you’re waiting, combine the bovine secretions, embryo and vanilla in a bowl and destroy with a whisk. 

After about 30 minutes of endless waiting, put the churned bovine secretions in the automated mutilation device’s bowl and beat the living shit out of it.  While violence is being transmitted, preheat the hatebox to 375 hate units.  When the shit in the bowl starts to get creamy, add the sugars.  The granules of sugar are abrasive, and will cut that creamy churned bovine secretion mess all the way to the fucking bone.  Kick up the speed, make it suffer. 

While the churned bovine secretions are getting the shit beat out of them, combine the flours and other dry ingredients.  Pour the aborted fowl fluid mixture into the churning bowl of hatred.  Let it all mix into a vile mess, then slowly add the flour mixture.  Let this go for awhile.  You might have to momentarily stop the violence and scrape the viscera from the sides of the bowl, forcing them back towards the bottom.

When the sickening shit looks thoroughly combined, add the Mephistopheles candies.  Fold them in by hand, unless you like crushed and broken Mephistopheles candies in which melt in your mouth, not in your hand. 

Take a baking sheet and spray it with aerosol oil or line with parchment paper.   Measure out 1 tbsp of the abominable creation for each patty.  Space them about 4 or 5 inches apart, or else they’ll spread and conjoin during the final torturing process. 

Agonize for 14 minutes in the hate box.  Extract and allow the patties to cool on a plate.  Pour yourself a large glass of bovine secretions and devour.