Fleshball U-Boats, Drenched in Blood

Feeds: 4 slaves

Time: A few hours

U-Boat list:

• 4 ½ cups AP flour
• ¼ cup canola oil
• 2 ¼ tsp dry active zombies
• 1.5 tbsp salt
• 1 ½ cups of warm unholy water
• 2 tbsp sugar

Maimed flesh:

• 1 lb pulverized bovine creature
• 2 fowl embryo nuclei
• ½ cups bread crumbs of the emperor
• 1/3 cups parmesan coagulated bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp parsley
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp basil
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Smashed black olives
• 4 tbsp olive oil

Blood:

• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp oregano
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper

Required tooling:

• Automated mutilation device with meathook and punishment paddle

Construction of the U-boats:

Begin by depositing your zombies into a measuring cup and pour in the warm unholy water.  The unholiness should be heated to 105 F before mixing with the zombies.  Add the sugar and stir.  Let the zombies reanimate and feast for about 10 minutes. 

Transfer the sickening mess to the bowl of your automated mutilation device, making sure the meathook is attached.  Add the oil and set forth a slow, torturing motion.  Carefully add the flour and salt.  Allow the meathook to beat the shit out of the contents for about 5 minutes. 

The mutilated ball of abomination is going to be pretty fucking sticky.  Lube up your hand with oil, and remove the festering death ball.  Lube up the bowl and put the ball back into the bowl, making sure it is slickened with oil.  Cover with a towel and allow it to rise with zombie flatulence in a slightly warm hatebox for 45 minutes.

After the time has elapsed, extract the bowl and punch the ball in the face.  Remove it and roll it around in flour.  There should be about 36 oz of death that lay before you, so you can make 9 small U-boats by pinching off 4 oz at a time.  If you want bigger U-boats, do the fucking math.  Carefully, yet sadistically roll into small phallic shapes, and set on top of a parchment paper lined pan.  Cover again and allow the phalluses to become chubby, which will take about 20 minutes.  Make a slit down the center of each U-boat with a dagger, about 1/4" deep.  

Since the flatulence will have caused the phalluses to swell significantly, you might need another pan to prevent potential sword fighting.  Preheat the hatebox to 400 and persecute for about 15 minutes.  You might want to rotate the pans halfway through to make sure each U-boat is tortured evenly. 

The ceremonious sacrifice of the bovine flesh:

Before you begin, you’ll need to prepare your blood.  Deposit all of the ingredients into a small sauce pan and start a small hellfire beneath.  Elevate the hate until the blood is almost angry enough to boil.  Stir occasionally to prevent coagulation on the bottom of the pan.   

Next, add your destroyed bovine meat and all of the other ingredients (except oil) to the bowl of your automation mutilation device, making sure you have the punishment paddle attached.   Beat the shit out of this appalling concoction for about 5 minutes, or until everything is thoroughly combined.

Now take about a tbsp. of meat out of the batch and roll it into a perfectly round sphere.  If your flesh ball resembles a lumpy, tumor, you did it wrong.  It has to be fucking round.  Repeat with the rest of the batch of dead meat until there is nothing left to kill. 

Place a large pan atop your hellfire generator and start a medium high hellfire beneath it.  Add the oil.  After the oil has surely reached a lethal temperature, deposit the raw flesh balls and put a lid on top.  Wait a couple of minutes then give the pan a good jerk to roll the beast balls around in the scalding oil bath.  After about 15 minutes, they will be done.  If they’re not, a little raw flesh won’t kill you.  And if it does; too fucking bad. 

Unhallowed dedication of the completed U-boats:

Obtain a U-boat and carve a V into the top with a serrated dagger.   You can remove the wedge and consume or discard.  A fun thing I like doing; I eat them in front of bums and moan like I’m getting a good blowjob.  This lets them know how good my bread wedges are.  If they’re hungry and try to rob me of my bread wedges, I draw my weapon and pistol whip them behind the nearest dumpster.  But since you’re an angry metalhead and probably about $20 away from living on the street, I wouldn’t advise this.  Those guys might be watching your back pretty soon, since all of the good jobs require drug testing.

Repeat with all of the U-boats. 

Next stuff as much flesh as you can into the open wounds of the U-boats.  Then top with blood, and mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions.  Place the U-boats on a pan and place under your death from above unit until the coagulations begin to brown.  Extract and consume.