Anti Vampire Outer Fowl Groins

Time: One goddamn hour

Feeds: Two heretics

You will be killing:

• 4 chicken thighs
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions
• 3 tbsp soy sauce
• 1 rosemary sprig
• 3 cloves of garlic, minced
• Fuckton of pepper
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper

The violation of the cock:

Begin by preheating your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Put everything in a bowl, except the groins, and nuke on high for 2 minutes.  Be sure to cover the fucking bowl with some plastic wrap, or else you’ll make a huge goddamn mess inside the nuclear hatebox, and that makes Satan angry. 

Obtain a baking dish and lube it up with some olive oil spray.  Place the loins side by side, skin side down. Put your nuked sprig in between the lap meat, so it touches all of them. Pour 3/4 of the mixture over the dark carcass meat and place into the hatebox.

After 20 minutes have elapsed, extract and flip the steaming cock meat.  Pour the rest of the oriental

vampire repellent mixture over the top and torture for 25 minutes.  If you want the skin crispy, turn on the death from above until about 5 minutes before the final extraction.  Devour and use the bones to make a fashionable necklace for your significant other.

Cole Slawter

Time: 15 minutes

Feeds: A bunch of heathens

List:

• 1 small head of cabbage
• 2 carrots
• 1 cup mayonnaise
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• 2 tbsp vinegar
• 1 tbsp minced onion
• 1 tbsp dry mustard
• 1 tsp dill
• 2 tsp celery seed
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Required equipment:

• Destroyer

The Art of Shredding:

Begin by splitting the head in two with a large dagger.  Cut out the brain stem out and discard.  Slice the head into about 1” strips.

If you have a shredding/grating attachment for your destroyer, now is the time to use it.  Insert the pieces of disfigured head into the destroyer and mutilate beyond recognition.  Add bits of carrot in between scabbage head mutilation.

Get your largest bowl and dump the mutilated head/carrot mixture in.  In a small bowl, combine the other shit on the list and whisk together with hatred and ferocity.  Mix well with the mutilated head and place in the morgue for later or consume now.  

Mutated Medusa Vegetable and Bovine Coagulation Soup

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 4 or 5 pit bosses

The shit:

• 4 heads of broccoli
• 4 fowl bullion cubes
• 1 8oz package cream bovine coagulations, room temperature
• 2 cups heavy cream
• 2 cups unholy water
• 2 cups sharp cheddar coagulations
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Torture tools:

• Immersion pulverizer

From skin to liquid:

Start by decapitating and steaming the broccoli.  While it is enthralled by a searing death, add everything EXCEPT the sharp cheddar coagulations to a cauldron over medium hellfire.  Stir until the cream coagulations are mostly dissolved.

While it is important to make the ingredients suffer, it’s important not to make them suffer too much.  DO NOT let this boil, or else the ritual will fail.  Add the broccoli to the cauldron and destroy with the immersion pulverizer. 

Stir in the 2 cups of cheddar coagulations.  Once they’re dissolved, extract and devour. 

Impaled and Severed Fiery Beast Steak

Time: 3 hours

Feeds:  4 ravenous bastards

Hit List:

• 2.5-3 lbs cheap beast steak
• 4 cloves garlic
• 1 tbsp paprika
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp turmeric
• 1 tsp onion powder
• Fuckton of pepper
• 1 tsp tabasco sauce
• 1/3 cup red jesus blood vinegar
• 3/4 cup olive oil

Murder weapons:

• Impalers
• Immersion pulverizer
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The dismemberment and torture of the beast:

Begin by using your dagger to cut the beast into approximate 1.5” cubes.  Trim all of the fat and use it as bait to catch a carnivore, in which you may also kill and eat the following day.  Place meat into a large sealable bag.

Dump everything else into a container and destroy it with your immersion pulverizer.  Pour into the bag with the ruined beast meat.  Put it in the morgue for two hours.

After 1.5 hours have elapsed, begin preparing your Charon box.  After all of the time has elapsed, string up your impalers with the beast that has been marinating in delicious acid.  You may also stab vegetables of your choice.  Be sure to brush them with oil and coat with salt before placing them above the inferno.

Place the beast meat on the hate grate and sear for about 2 minutes on each side.  Remove and allow to rest before sliding them off of the impalers.  Devour. 

Fart Scab Soup

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: A whole bunch of fuckers

Things to kill:

• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 3 cloves garlic, smashed to bits
• 1 onion, raped to pieces
• 2 quarts fowl juice
• 1 small head of scabbage
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tbsp oregano
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The liquefaction of the head

Start by raping everything with your dagger.  Cut the brain stem out of the scabbed-over head and shred it.  Obtain a large pot and set it on top of your hellfire generator over medium hate.  Add the oil, onions and garlic.  Torture until the color has left the flesh of the onion.

Next add everything else to the cauldron and simmer for 30-40 minutes.  You may devour with crackers or fried skin of swine. 

Scorched Dolphin in a Punishing Acid Bath

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 2 Angry, angry assholes

List of shit:

• 4 or 5 Mahi Mahi fillets
• 1 lemon
• 3/4 cup olive oil
• 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tbsp parsley
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 3 cloves of garlic

Necessary killing equipment

• Immersion pulverizer
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The persecution of the primitive sea creature:

Start by creating a searing blaze in your Charon box.  Brush your slabs of meat with olive oil and sprinkle with salt.  Add to the grate above the hellish inferno.

Meanwhile, squeeze the life from your lemon and combine everything else into a cup and destroy with the immersion pulverizer, creating your acid bath.  Once the dead dolphin has concluded its suffering, extract from the hate grate and set on a plate.  Cover in the delicious acid bath.  Devour.