Ghoulish Gumbo

Time: 2 whole hours

Feeds: Probably more fuckers than you know

The extensive hit list:

• 1 lb smoked sausage
• 1 lb cooked fowl
• 1 lb cooked pig ass
• 1 lb sea roaches
• 1 onion
• 1 bell pepper
• 1 lb okra
• 1 bulb of garlic, peeled and raped to tiny pieces
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• ¼ cup Worcestershire sauce
• ¼ cup canola oil
• 5 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ½ cup flour
• 5 cups bovine juice
• 6 green onions, raped into small pieces
• Parsley
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 1 tbsp cayenne pepper
• Tabasco sauce

The entanglement of the creatures:

Start by obtaining your largest cauldron and placing it over medium high hellfire.  Add the fowl, which should be shredded, the smoked sausage, which should be raped into 1/4” pieces, and pig ass, which should be diced.  Get this warmed through and extract. 

Add the churned bovine secretions and flour.  Make a blond roux, then add the raped onions, bell pepper.  Torture for a few minutes then add your raped vampire repellent. 

After a few more minutes, add the Worcestershire sauce and bovine juice.  Also add the goddamn tomatoes, why not?  Add salt, pepper, cayenne and Tabasco.  Reduce the hate heat and put a lid on the caldron.

Meanwhile, ignite a fire underneath an oiled pan.  Rape the okra with your dagger and incinerate it in the pan, as to get some of the slime out.  Do this for about 20 minutes. 

After an hour has elapsed, add the sea roaches and green onion and more Tabasco.  Torment for 15 minutes, then extract and destroy.

Smelly, Acidic Fowl Digits

Time: 2 goddamn hours

Feeds: 4 metalheads

Things that need killing:

• 1lb of chicken tenders
• 1 lemon
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 tbsp thyme
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• ¼ cup of olive oil
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The defiling of the meat in which lays in with the boobies:

Start by putting your tit slivers in a small bag.  Mix up all of the other shit, then pour into the bag.  Let that shit sit for about an hour and a half.

After the time has passed, place a large pan on top of your hellfire generator over medium-high hate heat.  Persecute until the tit meat is cooked all of the way through.  Metabolize into feces. 

Overpriced Bovine Muscle Wrapped in Swine Gut

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds:  Varies, depending on how many hunks of beast you prepare

Shit you’ll need:

• Filet mignon steaks
• Thin strips of swine gut
• Rendered swine gut fat
• Fuckton of salt
• Black pepper

The boiling of the cytoplasm:

Start buy obtaining a cast iron pan and placing it on top of your hellfire generator.  Ignite a burning inferno beneath, as high as it’ll go.  Also be sure to preheat your hatebox to the highest setting it’ll go

.

Take your medallions of flesh and tightly wrap with swine gut strips.  You may pin it with a tooth pick, if you wish.  If you don’t want the tooth pick to burn and stink up your domain, coat it in some oil.

Cover in salt and rub rendered swine gut fat all over the surface of the beast meat.  Add to the pan, which should be smoking by now.  Torture for 1.5 minutes, then flip.  When you flip, immediately put the pan in the hatebox and let it suffer for 3 or 4 minutes more. 

Extract and let it rest for at least 5 minutes.  This will produce a rare center, which is the temperature all beast meat should be at the time of consumption.  

Charonized Alien Fingers

Time: 15 minutes

Feeds:  3 or 4 angry fuckers as a side dish

Inventory to incinerate:

• 15 okra pods, medium to large in size
• 1/4 cup olive oil
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper

Required tooling:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• Impalers

Sentencing:

Ignite a bed of coals within your Charon box.  Bathe the alien fingers in unholy water to rid them of filth from the Earth. 

In a bowl, mix up all of the other ingredients.  Impale the pods with your impalers and brush on the oily mess.  Place on the hate grate and persecute for about 4-5 minutes on each side.  Eliminate with your digestive tract.  

Aquatic Suicidal Slab

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: About 5 of your douchebag friends

Kill list:

• 1 large salmon fillet
• 2 lemons
• 2 tsp thyme
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The ritual:

Prehate your hatebox to 450 degrees.  Lay your slab of dead fish meat onto a large piece of parchment paper.  Cover in the seasonings, the juice of one lemon and the slices of another lemon.  Fold up inside the parchment paper, place on a baking sheet and persecute for 15 minutes or so.  Extract and devour.  

Maimed and Preserved Devil Dicks

Time: 1 week

The shit:

• 15 or so large jalapeno peppers
• 1 cup white vinegar
• 1 cup distilled water
• 1 tbsp salt
• 2 tsp sugar
• Black peppercorns
• 2 cloves garlic

Required devices:

• Large specimen jar

The preservation of the demonic phalluses:

Begin by slicing the peppers into about 1/4” rounds with your dagger.  Do not discard the seeds and membranes, unless you’re a  fruitcake.  Remember, fruitcake is what people eat on Jesus’ birthday, and you don’t want to be affiliated with that!

Obtain a medium sized cauldron and dump everything in, minus the peppers.  Ignite a large hellfire beneath your cauldron and pray to Satan for guidance and strength.  Once the concoction is at a raging boil, dump in the mutilated peppers.

Kill the hellfire, hang your face over the pot and inhale deeply.  Let the fiery mist fill your eyes and lungs.  If you’re lucky, this is what your afterlife will feel like, so get used to it.  After 15 minutes, pour the contents of the cauldron into your specimen jar, and put the lid on.

After the specimen jar has cooled significantly, place in the morgue.  You may consume immediately, but for a better flavor, wait at least a week before consumption.