Dry Winey Fowl with Bovine Secretions and Fungus

Time: About as long as it takes to listen to Far Beyond Driven

Feeds: 3 or 4 douchebags

Execution list:

• 2 bird boobies
• 1 piece of thick cut swine gut
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 1/4 onion, raped to pieces
• 2 cloves of garlic, smashed and slashed
• 2 cups beef juice
• 1 cup marsala jesus blood, or dry bleached jesus blood
• 6 oz sliced button mushrooms
• 1/4 cup heavy bovine secretions
• Fuckton of pepper

Killing time!

Begin by slapping your swine gut on a torture board and slice it into small pieces.  Add it to a searing pan atop your hellfire generator, which should be set to medium high hellfire.  Add the olive oil and onions. 

Take your titties and slice into strips.  Add them to the sweltering inferno, and sear on each side.  Now add the fungus and vampire repellent until the fungus is rendered completely dead.  Pour in the jesus blood, followed by the beef juice. 

Stir with a probing device for awhile, then add the bovine secretions.   Allow the atrocious mess to simmer for a few minutes until the liquid becomes similar to the consistency of mucus.  Further defile by grinding a fuckton of pepper over the mess, then consume.  

Fowl Casserole

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: An assload of assholes

The kill list:

• 2 fowl titties, bone in
• Fuckton of salt
• Black pepper
• One can cream of fungus soup
• One can cream of fowl soup
• 1 cup carrots, raped
• 1 cup celery, raped
• 1 cup broccoli, raped to pieces
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1 tube of buttery round crackers (rhymes with spits)
• ½ cup melted churned bovine secretions
• 1 tbsp celery seed
• 2 cups shredded cheddar coagulated bovine secretions (optional)

The Shredding of the Dead Bird Boobies:

Start by preparing a cauldron of boiling unholy water atop your hellfire generator.  Boil the bird melons for about 30 minutes, or until they are mostly done.  While you’re waiting, study your Necronomicon or masturbate. 

When the boobies are done, extract and tear to shreds.  Feed the fat to a small child, so they develop a horrendous weight problem from fat addiction.  If the titties too hot for your tender, gay hands to touch, wait awhile and use the time to boil the vegetables in the unholy water used to torture the tits.  Place the carrots in the cauldron first.  After 3 minutes, add the celery.  After 3 more minutes add the broccoli.  After 4 minutes, drain. 

While this is going on, prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  After your vegetables are tenderized and your boobies are shredded, mix the soups, sour cream salt and pepper in a bowl with a probing device.  Put the shredded boob meat into a greased 11X9 casserole dish and cover evenly with the soup mixture.

Grab the unopened pack of crackers and pound them to dust.  Now open the pack and sprinkle evenly on top of the sickening mess.  Use a small probing device to douse with the melted churned secretions of the bovine creature, and sprinkle with celery seed.

Torture in the hatebox for 30 minutes.  Afterwards, you may extract, cover in the cheddar coagulations, and place back into the box for 5 minutes, or until melted.  Devour. 

Charonized Broccoli

Time: 1 fucking hour

Feeds: a bunch of fuckers, as a side dish

Shit you’ll need:

• Two or three broccoli bunches
• Juice from one half lemon
• Small amount of salt
• Black pepper
• Crushed red pepper
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 1 cup grated parmesan bovine secretions

Equipment:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The Slaying of the Edible Green Plant:

Start by decapitating each broccoli until you have a bunch of tiny heads rolling around.  Next, set into a bowl and mix with everything except the grated bovine secretions.  Let it soak in misery for at least one half hour. 

While you wait, begin a raging inferno in your Charon box.  Odds are, you’re already planning on searing some dead animal on the box, so you’re probably covered.

After the time has elapsed, coat the tiny green heads in the fucking cheese. Place evenly above the flames of hatred, and close the lid.  Wait approximately 5 minutes, checking every 2 minutes, depending on your level of hate heat.  You want to make the decapitations suffer immensely, but do not render them black, like a total asshole/idiot would do. 

After they are bright green with coagulations browned, they are done.  Extract and serve alongside your favorite dead animal.    

Fatty Hunk of Beast with Reduced Jesus Blood

Time: More than a goddamn hour

Feeds:  Variable, depending on how many beast slabs you torture

The hit list:

• Ribeye Steaks
• Kosher salt

Unholy blood sauce list:

• 2 carrots
• 1/2 red onion
• 1/2 white onion
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 2 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 1 shallot, raped
• 1 roma tomato, disfigured
• 1 can bovine juice
• 6 mushrooms, raped with a knife
• 1.5 cups jesus blood, merlot

Tools of Torture:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• The destroyer

The intricate assimilation of the dead:

Begin by igniting a raging inferno in your Charon box.  Coat your hunks of beast in salt and let them sit on the counter until it’s time to brand them above the coals of the river Styx. 

Extract your destroyer and insert the onions, garlic and carrots.  Douse with salt and utter a silent prayer to Satan.  Now destroy the fucking root vegetables into a fine paste.

Melt your churned bovine secretions in a large sauce pan over medium high hellfire.  Deposit the fungus, shallots and root vegetable paste.  Torture until everything has pretty much been rendered to liquid, and the tomato.  When the doomed fruit has collapsed from the incineration, add the bovine juice and turn up the hate heat to induce boiling.  When the volume has reduced by half, add the jesus blood.  Continue to probe and boil until the fluid has reduced by half again.  Now strain off the death fluids and discard agglutinated mess, except for the fungus.  Fish out the fungus and save for devouring with the tormented beast.

Add the liquid back to the pan over high hellfire and boil until it becomes thick.  During this process, add your beast meat to grate above the hellishly-hot coals.  Sear for two minutes, turn 90 degrees, turn, then flip and repeat.  Allow the dead hunks of beast to rest for at least five minutes before coating in the reduced jesus blood sauce.

Quench your uncontrollable bloodlust for a little while by devouring this exquisite feast slowly and methodically. 

Broken Neck Soup

Time:  1 Hour

Feeds: 4 fuckers

Shit List:

• 1.5 lbs crookneck squash
• 1/2 cup raped red onion
• 1 sprig of tarragon
• 2 cups fowl broth
• 1 tbsp lemon juice
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 pint half and half
• Black pepper
• 1/2 cup shredded sharp coagulated bovine secretions

Murder weapon:

• Immersion pulverizer

From skin to liquid:

Begin by washing and trimming the squash.  Extract your dagger and cut into chunks.  Next, introduce the tarragon to the blade. 

Pour the fowl juice into a pot and place on the hellfire generator over high hate.  Once the fluid is boiling violently, add the onion, tarragon and squash.  Sprinkle some salt into the cauldron and let it suffer for about 15 minutes.

In the meantime, you can dream up a dead meat sandwich in which to serve with your vile concoction.  I like a pig ass and coagulated churned bovine secretion sandwich, tormented in scathing, salted butter.  Slices of freshly raped tomato are nice too.

When the time has elapsed and the doomed ingredients have surely met their makers, add the fatty bovine secretions and reduce the hellfire.  The time has now come to destroy this chunky mess with your immersion pulverizer.  It’ll take a minute or so, but it will become smooth and creamy.  Let it simmer for about 5 more minutes, then deposit into a bowl.  Top with pepper and coagulated extra sharp churned bovine secretions and devour. 

Nasty Bastards

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 of your douchebag friends

Sentenced to burn:

• 1 lb pulverized bovine meat
• 1 cup beast juice
• 1/8 cup brown sugar
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp chili powder
• 1 onion, raped to pieces
• 1 bell pepper, raped like the onion
• 3 or 4 jalapeno peppers, also raped
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1/4 cup ketchup
• 2 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
• Few dashes of steak seasoning
• Several buns similar to the coffins for Ghoulishly Grilled Hateburgers

The heinous act:

Toss your beast meat into a pan with the raped vegetables over medium high hellfire and torture until all of the color is gone.  Do not drain, because you’ll needed the rendered fat to complete the ritual.  Next add all of the other shit and stir. 

Let this horrendous concoction simmer over medium-low hellfire for about 15 minutes.  In the meantime, you can butter and burn your dough coffins under the death from above unit, if you desire.  Plop a generous helping of flesh on each bun and serve with dill pickles and/or sliced tomatoes.  

Aborted Embryo Morning Pie

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: Just your lousy ass

Things to kill:

• 3 strips of swine belly
• 3 beaten, aborted bird embryo
• 1/4 cup white onion, raped with a dagger
• 2 jalapenos, raped to pieces
• 1/4 cup raped tomato
• 2 tbsp parmesan cheese

Killing procedure:

Begin by torturing the swine strips until rendered crispy atop of your hellfire generator.  Crumble and set aside.  Drain off the scalding death fluid and save in your fat stash for future rituals.

Add the onion and jalapenos to the pan in which rendered the swine thoroughly deceased, and probe for a few minutes.  Next add the tomato, and slap around until they begin to show signs of breaking down.  Now add your beaten, discarded menstruations.  Stir for about 5 seconds, sprinkle with swine belly and parmesan coagulated bovine secretions and cover.  Extinguish the hellfire beneath the pan and wait for approximately 66 seconds. 

After the time has elapsed, extract and consume.