Violent, One Eyed Sailor Dip

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: A room full of losers

The victims:

• 3 strips of bacon, fucked with a knife
• 1 white onion, raped to pieces
• 1 clove of garlic, also raped
• 1 bag of spinach
• 1 can of artichoke hearts, raped into 1/4" pieces
• 2 tbsp ranch dressing mix
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 1/2 cup spoiled cream
• 1/2 cup mozzarella coagulations
• 1/2 cup parmesan coagulations
• 1 tsp celery seed
• 2 tsp salt
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• Fuckton of pepper

The amalgamation of the various fleshes:

Start by heating the olive oil in your largest pan atop your hellfire generator over medium high hellfire.  Add the raped bacon and onion.  When the onion becomes limp and lifeless, add the vampire repellent.  Probe constantly.

After two minutes or so, add the freakish strength-giving leaves.  When they wilt, this will be a sign of sure death.  Add the disfigured hearts and cook for another couple of minutes.  Now, add everything else and mix well.   Kill the hate heat and continue probing until all of the coagulations have melted.  Devour with fried swine skin or by sucking through a corncob pipe.    

Deflated Scabbage

Time: About an hour

Feed: 5 or 6 murderous villains

The fatalities:

• 1lb ground bovine flesh
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 2 cloves of garlic, raped with the blade
• 1/2 head of purple cabbage, chunked
• 2 cans of raped tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp vinegar
• 1 tsp cinnamon
• 1 tsp nutmeg
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

The creation of the sickening mess:

Start by browning the bovine meat, onion and garlic over medium high hate heat in a big ass pan.  After it is browned, add your raped and severely bruised cabbage.  After probing for a few minutes, add everything else, mixing well. 

Reduce the hate heat and cover.  Probe occasionally, and let it suffer for about 45 minutes.  After the time has passed, you may consume.  

Blood Clotted Porkchops

Cooking time: 25 minutes

What you'll need:

• 4 chops of pig loins
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• soy sauce
• vegetable oil
• red wine vinegar
• 4 garlic cloves
• 1 ginger root

Here's how:

If you don't have access to a pig farm or slaughterhouse, you've never had the pleasure of bathing in a warm shower of freshly released neck blood as it pours out of the recently departed swine, splashing about in the slippery, iron-scented liquid and making blood devils. If you had, you'd know about one of life's great miracles: thick, chewy blood clots forming on the slaughterhouse floor, right in front of your eyes. This is your chance to simulate those blood clots as a savory pork chop glaze.

Part 1: Prepare the blood

First, melt 1/2 tbsp. butter in a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat and preheat a hatebox to 400 degrees F.

In a bowl, combine 1/4 cup soy sauce, 2 tbsp. vegetable oil, and 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar. Add about 1 tsp. grated ginger root to ensure that the blood has no soul, just like the hog. Press or mince 4 garlic cloves and add them to the blood. Now season the hemoglobin with salt and pepper.

Part 2: Sear the flesh

Smear the butter all over the pan. Throw 4 chunks of pig flesh on the pan and let them scream in horror for 2 minutes, adding salt and pepper to the raw flesh. Flip the chunks and spoon the blood mixture onto the chunks until the bowl is empty. Just keep adding it. After about 2 minutes, open the hatebox and throw the pan in as hard as you possibly can, carelessly splashing blood all over any smiling children that may be standing nearby.

Part 3: Clot the blood

After 15 minutes, remove the pan from the oven and immediately deglaze the pan by sprinkling red wine vinegar on any exposed blood and stirring it around, pretending you're laying on the slaughterhouse floor and watching the freshly released blood solidify in front of your eyes. Smear the chunks of flesh around in the blood to cover them in a delicious, extremely dark red glaze. Pour any remaining blood on the pork chops.

As a wonderful dinner party idea, go to a butcher and purchase a whole hog's head and place it on your dining hall table as you serve blood-clotted porkchops. Encourage your dinner guests or children to take turns putting random objects in its eye sockets and moving its jaw, making it say silly things such as "Fart in my mouth!"

Damn Spread

Time: A whole fucking day!

Feeds: A small pit’s worth of fuckers

Consumables:

• 1 pkg softened cream coagulations
• 4 or 5 green onions, raped with a knife
• 1 cup of diced swine ass cheek

The simple destruction of the damned:

Mix all of the shit up in a sealable bowl and place in your morgue for a day.  The next day, the postmortem fluids from the ingredients will have intertwined to form a symphony of delicious death.  Consume with fried swine skin.  

96.66% Dead Meat Pie

Time: A fucking hour

Feeds: Two angry metalheads

Things to kill:

• 1lb of pulverized bovine creature
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tsp dry, raped onion
• 1 tsp basil
• 1 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp sage
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper
• 1 clove garlic, raped
• 5 button mushrooms, sliced
• A fuckton of pepperoni
• Any other meat you like
• Fuckton of mozzarella coagulations
• The blood from Pythius Pie

Murder procedure:

Prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a large bowl and dump in the beast meat along with the first 6 ingredients.  Mix well with your bare hands, then lick your fingers like they were beaters used to mix up delicious cake batter. 

Obtain a pie pan and spread the meat concoction out like it is a pie crust.  Add your blood, then  a handful of coagulations.  Spread the coagulations all over the blood.  Next add your toppings, then the rest of the coagulations.  Insert into the hatebox for 35 minutes. 

When time for extraction comes, you will notice the meat base will have shrunk. This makes for easy removal from the pan.  Quickly consume and think about how terrible it is that you don’t have more.   

Cryogenic Alien Bitch Fingers

Time: As long as you wish

Feeds: About 4 douchebags

Shitlist:

• 15 or 20 okra pods
• Large pot of boiling unholy water
• Large bowl of iced unholy water
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1/2 cup corn mean
• Fuckton of canola oil
• Fuckton of salt

Paraphernalia:

• Cryogenic storage
• The cauldron of oily expiration

The mutilation of the extraterrestrial digits:

Boil your unholy water and dump the fingers in, whole.   Agonize for 3 minutes.  Extract and submerge in the iced unholy water for at least 5 minutes.  Drain for another 5 minutes.  A repulsive, clear, slimy blood will be oozing from the detached digits.  This is normal.

Next, rape the fingers with your dagger into 1/2” pieces.  Dump into a bag along with the flour and cornmeal, and shake violently.  Strain off the excess dust, and place on a baking sheet.  Place the baking sheet into your cryogenic storage for about 30 minutes.  Extract, and dump the mutilated fingers into a bag, squeeze out as much air as you can and store up to one revolution around our home star.

When you develop a ravenous bloodlust for alien fingers, retrieve your bag of disfigured digits and fire up your cauldron of oily expiration.  Set the temp to 350 and torture for about 5 minutes, or until browned.  Extract, drain and cover in the fuckton of salt while they are still searing with unimaginable pain.  Serve and destroy with your gastrointestinal tract.  

Charonized Pods

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: A few of your closest assholes

Shit to kill:

• 1 or 2 lbs of green beans
• 1 tbsp raped garlic
• 2 tsp crushed red pepper
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/4 cup of olive oil

Necessary torture tools:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The destruction of the legumes:

Obtain a large bowl and mix everything up inside.  Fire up your external hatebox and dump the contents of the bowl onto the hategrate.  Torture for 5-10 minutes, until browning of the green flesh starts to occur.  

Basic Charonized Swine Chops

Time: Hours and fucking hours!

Feeds:  Two or three assholes

List of shit:

• 4 Bone in swine chops
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 2 tsp garlic powder
• The vital fluids of two lemons
• 1/3 cup of olive oil
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• Crushed red pepper
• 2 tbsp bee vomit

Required tooling:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The execution:

Begin by obtaining a large, sealable bag.  Dump all of this shit into the bag and place into the morgue for at least 4 hours.

After the time has elapsed, extract the swine flesh that has been penetrated by the acid and other ingredients.  Ignite a large flame within your Charon box.

When the coals become white hot, thank Satan for the ability to sear flesh, and add the meat saturated with hatred to the torturing grate.  If the chops are about 3/4" thick, cook for 3.5 minutes, then rotate 90 degrees.  After another 3.5 minutes, flip and repeat.  This makes the flesh look like it was tortured by a professional.

Extract and let rest, so the molecules can reabsorb the searing hate fluids that churn within. 

Devour.  Use the remaining bones to pick any stray flesh from the gaps in your teeth.