Blood Clotted Porkchops

Cooking time: 25 minutes

What you'll need:

• 4 chops of pig loins
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• soy sauce
• vegetable oil
• red wine vinegar
• 4 garlic cloves
• 1 ginger root

Here's how:

If you don't have access to a pig farm or slaughterhouse, you've never had the pleasure of bathing in a warm shower of freshly released neck blood as it pours out of the recently departed swine, splashing about in the slippery, iron-scented liquid and making blood devils. If you had, you'd know about one of life's great miracles: thick, chewy blood clots forming on the slaughterhouse floor, right in front of your eyes. This is your chance to simulate those blood clots as a savory pork chop glaze.

Part 1: Prepare the blood

First, melt 1/2 tbsp. butter in a cast iron skillet over medium-high heat and preheat a hatebox to 400 degrees F.

In a bowl, combine 1/4 cup soy sauce, 2 tbsp. vegetable oil, and 2 tbsp. red wine vinegar. Add about 1 tsp. grated ginger root to ensure that the blood has no soul, just like the hog. Press or mince 4 garlic cloves and add them to the blood. Now season the hemoglobin with salt and pepper.

Part 2: Sear the flesh

Smear the butter all over the pan. Throw 4 chunks of pig flesh on the pan and let them scream in horror for 2 minutes, adding salt and pepper to the raw flesh. Flip the chunks and spoon the blood mixture onto the chunks until the bowl is empty. Just keep adding it. After about 2 minutes, open the hatebox and throw the pan in as hard as you possibly can, carelessly splashing blood all over any smiling children that may be standing nearby.

Part 3: Clot the blood

After 15 minutes, remove the pan from the oven and immediately deglaze the pan by sprinkling red wine vinegar on any exposed blood and stirring it around, pretending you're laying on the slaughterhouse floor and watching the freshly released blood solidify in front of your eyes. Smear the chunks of flesh around in the blood to cover them in a delicious, extremely dark red glaze. Pour any remaining blood on the pork chops.

As a wonderful dinner party idea, go to a butcher and purchase a whole hog's head and place it on your dining hall table as you serve blood-clotted porkchops. Encourage your dinner guests or children to take turns putting random objects in its eye sockets and moving its jaw, making it say silly things such as "Fart in my mouth!"