Goddamn Awfuls

Time: As long as it fucking takes

Feeds: 2-4 hungry cunts

Items to be destroyed:

• 2 cups of flour
• 1.75 cups of bovine secretions
• 2 aborted bird embryos
• 2 tbsp sugar
• 4 tsp baking powder
• A pinch of a fuckton of salt
• 1/2 cup of vegetable oil

Sickening syrup:

• 1/2 cup of water
• 1/2 cup of sugar
• 1/2 cup of brown sugar
• 1/4 tsp vanilla extract
• 1 tsp cinnamon

The ritual:

In a large bowl, combine all of the dry items on the shitlist and mix.  Then add all of the wet shit and stir until most of the goddamn clumps are gone.  Don’t stir it too much or else your awfuls will actually be awful, because they’ll be too fucking tough. 

Spoon enough batter into a preheated awful iron and cook until they are golden brown.  Mine takes about 8 minutes per awful, but adjust accordingly.  Also, don’t overload the awful iron with the sickening concoction, because it’ll expand and make a huge fucking mess.  If you make a huge fucking mess, the dark lord will not be pleased.

If you’re like most fuckers and you don’t have syrup, you can make your own.  Just boil the listed components in a cauldron until it thickens up.  If you have maple extract, use that instead of cinnamon if you wish.  However, nobody has that shit on hand, I’m sure, unless they’re from the great dark north where that shit comes from. 

Slather the searing hot waffles with the scalding, sickening syrup and devour.  

Cheesy Causticflower

Time:  30 min

The shitlist:

•      1 large head of causticflower
•      3 tbsp churned bovine secretions
•     1 cup heavy bovine secretions
•     1 tbsp dry mustard
•     1 tbsp garlic powder
•     1 tbsp onion, raped with a knife into infinitesimally small pieces
•      2 oz cream cheese coagulations
•     Fuckton of hot sauce
•     Fuckton of salt and pepper
•     2 cups of shredded sharp cheddar coagulations

Start by dismantling the decapitated head of causticflower into pieces about the size of elbow macaroni.  If you think your particular demons crave larger of smaller pieces, then feel free to deviate from the suggested size.

Place the mutilated bits of causticflower into a bowl and cover with plastic wrap.  Torture in your nuclear hatebox for 5 minutes.  Remove, bare-handed, searing your weak flesh in the process.  Add 1 tbsp of churned bovine secretions to the bowl along with a fuckton of salt, stir, recover and reintroduce it to the cancerous waves of hate for 3 minutes

Meanwhile, preheat your hatebox to 350.  Place a large pot atop your hellfire generator and turn up the hate to medium.  Melt the remaining two tbsp. of churned secretions and torture the onion for a couple of minutes.  Introduce the mustard, garlic powder, salt and pepper to the excruciatingly agonizing greasy death bath and stir.  Add the cream cheese coagulations, and constantly stir until they dissolve into a sickening mess.  Add the hot sauce and heavy bovine secretions and keep stirring.

When the cauldron of nauseating liquid begins to simmer, kill the hate heat and stir in 1.5 cups of cheddar coagulations.  Stir until it is as smooth as pus.  Pour in the agonized causticflower and mix well.  Pour this filthy concoction into a lubed baking dish.  Top with the remaining shredded coagulations and introduce it to the preheated hatebox for 15 minutes.  When the mutilated and defiled causticflower and take no more, extract and consume.   

Acidbath Fowl Pasta

Cooking time: 30 minutes

What you'll need:

• 2 boneless chicken mammaries
• 2 tbsp butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• 1/2 cup flour
• 1 shelled poultry abortion
• 2 slices of bread
• 8 ounces fungus
• 1 half green pepper
• 1 half white onion
• 1 half tomato
• 2 cloves garlic
• 2 lemons
• 1/2 pound fallen angel hair noodles
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• seasoned salt
• garlic powder
• black as my soul pepper

Here's how:

Though Dax from Acid Bath encourages you to eat his dead cock, we here at the Angry Metalhead Cookbook encourage you to eat this dead bird and hair soaked in a homemade acid bath. The secret to this recipe is a delicate balance of a fuckload of butter and olive oil and the timing of the cooking of the plants.

Part 1: Coating the Bird

The other secret to this recipe is a blend of breading for the poultry fun bags that you will fry in a fuckload of butter. To get ready for this, preheat a cast iron torture pan and a non-stick coated pan to medium heat, melting 1 tbsp of butter in each.

Put two slices of bread in the toaster and scorch them until they're sorry, ripping them to tiny pieces and throwing them in a blender until finely decomposed.

In three bowls, prepare the following:

1. 1/2 cup flour
2. 1 cracked, deshelled, scrambled embryo
3. Decomposed bread crumbs

To the bread crumb bowl, add 1 tbsp seasoned salt, 1 tbsp garlic powder, and 1 tsp black as my soul pepper. Stir it up, eat the entire thing with a spoon, and then make some more for the teats.

Move the formerly feathered bikini stuffers from one bowl to the other, thoroughly coating in flour, then egg, then bread. Transfer the chesticles to a plate and drink the remaining egg with a curly straw.

Part 2: Garden of Disaster

As mentioned before, the secret is the careful timing of plants placed into the non-stick crying pan to ensure that each is cooked exactly right. Pull out your murder kit and choose a particularly terrifying knife. Dismember the plants in such a fashion:

• Fungus: Chop into quarters or sixths
• Onion: Chop into 1-inch squares
• Green pepper: Chop into 1/4-inch by 1-inch strips
• Garlic cloves: Chop into thin slices
• Tomato: Chop into tiny dice and bet your rent payment with them in an alley
• Lemons: Chop into quarters (8 slices total)

Part 3: Boiled Hair—How Appetizing!

Boil water in a large cauldron and wait.

Part 4: Commence the Acid Bath

When the butter in each pan begins to turn brown, throw the fungus in the non-stick pan and toss the honkers in the cast iron torture pan. Stir the fungus regularly for about 5 minutes, allowing them to absorb the charring secretions. Throw the onion and green pepper in with the fungus and stir for about 3 more minutes. DO NOT ADD THE TOMATO YET GODDAMNIT!

Now that 8 total minutes have elapsed, you are privileged to know another secret of this recipe: Flip the sweater meat in the cast iron pan to fry the other side. Genius!

Also at the 8-minute mark, add the garlic slices to the garden of disaster, stirring regularly. Now put the hair in the pot. Take 4 lemon slices; squeeze two into the garden of disaster and two into the cast iron pan that is torturing the traffic stoppers. Allow everything to suffer in the acid bath for 3 more minutes.

Drain the hair when done and return to the cauldron. Add 3 tbsp olive oil to the hair, stirring to coat. Add the garden of disaster to the cauldron. NOW YOU CAN ADD THE TOMATO TO THE CAULDRON, GODDAMNIT! Stir everything.

Part 5: You'll Be Eating Any Second Now, Probably

Transfer the fried wahwahs to plates. Scoop acidbath pasta and plants onto each plate. Serve with 2 slices of lemon each. Before eating, chew on a razor blade for at least one full minute to enhance the experience of the acid bath.

Carbless Coagulation Cake

Time: An unreasonably long time

The Guts:

• 1.5 lbs of cream bovine coagulations room temperature
• 1.5 cups of fake sugar
• 4 chicken embryos
• A few drops of lemon extract
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract

The Scab:

• 1 1/3 cups almonds
• 2 tbsp melted churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp fake sugar
• 2 tsp cinnamon
• Dash of salt
• Lard or shortening

Required torture tools:

• The Destroyer
• Automated mutilation device

The ritual of sin:

Like a real metalhead, you enjoy heavy things and eating the delicious edibles you have created with the aid of the Angry Metalhead Cookbook.  However you’re beginning to feel beyond heavy and you’re getting winded easily in the pit.  Since low fat diets are for god-loving churchies and douche-wads who dress like faggots, you decide to partake in a high-fat diet.  This diet is ideal for soldiers of Satan, because you do not have to give up consuming raw, bloody beast meat on a daily basis.  We all know, consuming raw bloody beast meat is vital to pleasing the Dark Lord through cooking rituals. 

From time to time, you might desire something sweet after gorging yourself on sickening mutilations.  If this is your problem, then here is the ritual for you. 

Start by preheating the hatebox to 400 degrees.  Pulverize the almonds with the destroyer.  You’re looking for a fine consistency, like cornmeal.  Do not destroy too much, or else you will turn it to liquid.  This will cause the ritual to fail, and Satan will be displeased with you.

After you have properly destroyed the goddamn almonds, transfer to a bowl and mix in the cancer-causing sugar, cinnamon, salt and melted churned bovine secretions.  Mix well with a flesh shovel, then transfer to a pie pan you have lubed with lard or shortening.   Use your dirty fingers to spread evenly throughout the pan, including the sides.  Torture in the hatebox for 7 or 8 minutes, to coagulate into a scab.

Dump the cream coagulations into the bowl of the automated mutilation device equipped with the punishment paddle.  Beat the shit out of it for a few minutes, until it has been aerated thoroughly.  Slowly add the rest of the ingredients, stopping to scrape the bowl and punishment paddle every few minutes. 

When you feel like the ingredients in the bowl have been mutilated enough, transfer to the pie pan.  Consume any leftover batter raw, because it’s delicious.  Place the pan into the hatebox and lower the temperature to 200 hate units.  Torture for one hour.

After the time has elapsed, check whether or not the cake is completely dead by inserting a toothpick into the center.  If it comes out clean, it’s dead.  Let it cool for one hour on the counter, then place into the morgue for another two hours.  Extract, congregate, dominate and eliminate.  

Devil Dip

Time: At least an hour

Feeds: 5-6 minions

Shit to destroy:

• 1lb of ground beast meat
• One onion, raped to pieces
• One bag of fresh spinach
• One can of diced tomatoes and green chilies
• One can of diced green chilies
• 1/4 cup of pickled jalapenos (see recipe for Devil Dicks)
• 1 block of cream bovine coagulations, room temperature
• 1/2 cup sour cream
• 2 tbsp Taco seasoning
• Fucktono of salt and pepper
• Fuckton of Monterrey Jack coagulations

The desecration of the corpse:

Prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a large pan and sear your beast meat and raped onion over medium high hellfire.  Drain the death fluids, keeping the incinerated flesh in the strainer while you ruin the spinach in the pan you just used to murder the beast meat.  When the leaves have wilted and are void of life, reintroduce the meat, and dump everything else in.  Mix thoroughly until the cream bovine coagulations have dissolved.

Find a casserole dish, spray it with a lubricant of your choice, and pour in the sickening mess.  Torture in the hatebox for 35 minutes.  Extract and immediately consume.  

Satan Soup

Time: An hour and a half

Feeds: 3 infidels

Shit list:

• 3 red bell peppers
• 5 tbsp olive oil
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 3 cloves of garlic, raped with a knife
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 3 cups of fowl fluid
• 1 tsp cumin
• 1 tsp cayenne pepper
• The juice from 1/2 a lemon
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• Fuckton of Sriracha sauce

Tools necessary for completion of the sadistic ritual:

• Immersion pulverizer or the destroyer
• Death from above unit

Quench your bloodlust:

Prehate your death from above unit to its highest setting.  Rape the peppers in half with your blade and brush the outer skins with olive oil.  Line the hatebox grate with a piece of foil and place the peppers directly underneath the burning inferno, and let them suffer for 6 or 7 minutes.  When their skin has turned as black as your soul, extract from the box of fiery death and wrap in the foil.  Let them cool while you listen to Tomb of the Mutilated in its entirety. 

When the time is up, remove the blackened skins with your filthy fingers, and discard.  Rape the onion into small pieces and place it into a cauldron with 3 or 4 tbsp of olive oil.  Let the pieces suffer until they are clear.  Mutilate the garlic into tiny pieces and add it to the pan, along with the canned tomatoes.  Cut the ruined peppers into bloody chunks and toss into the cauldron, along with the cumin, cayenne, salt and pepper. 

When the mixture of hot death starts to simmer, turn it into a fine paste with either the immersion pulverizer or with your destroyer.  If you use the destroyer, reintroduce it to the cauldron.  Add the fowl fluid, squeezed acid and sriracha sauce.  Let it simmer for a few minutes, stirring from time to time.  Extract and devour.   

Dismembered Bird Boobs with Decapitated, Grotesque Heads

Time: A fucking hour

Feeds: 4 skinny bastards or two fat bastards

The victims:

• Two large boneless, skinless chicken tits
• Two tbsp AP flour
• Fuckton of salt and black pepper
• Some olive oil for torturing the mutilated boobage
• 2 cups of fowl broth
• 2 tsp corn starch
• 1 tsp of crushed red pepper flakes
• 1 large clove of garlic, raped into infinitesimally small pieces with a knife
• 2 large heads of broccoli
• 1 lemon
• 1 cup of macaroni noodles

Tool of torture:

• Emperor pan
• Handheld flesh scraper

From flesh to liquid:

Slap the flesh mounds down onto a board and knife them into bloody chunks.  A long with the flour and some salt, put the chunks in a bag and shake it like a screaming baby you’re getting paid to watch. 

Place your emperor pan over medium-high hellfire and pour in some oil.  Dump your chunks in the searing oil and torture until they are suitable for consumption.  Extract from the pan and place into a bowl.

Begin boiling a large cauldron of salted unholy water on an adjacent burner.  Once it begins to boil with fury, torture the tiny elbows for 8 minutes.  Drain and set aside.

Decapitate the tiny heads of the medusa vegetable.  Add the raped garlic, decapitated heads and 1.5 cups of fowl fluid to the pan.  Cover with a cookie sheet so the broccoli is boiled until slightly flaccid.

Mix the corn starch with the remaining 1/2 cup of fluid.  Pour that nasty shit into the emperor pan with the broccoli.  Now use the flesh scraper to remove the skin from the acidic fruit, and add that to the bubbling conglomeration of death. 

Reintroduce the defiled boobs into the pan.  Add the macaroni, crushed red pepper and a fuckton of salt.  Knife that lemon right in two and squeeze one half over the shocking mess you have created.   Demolish with your digestive tract.