Patatas Torturados Fused with Spicy Dead Flesh

Cooking time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: Two humans and one midget

List:

• 2-3 lbs of russet potatoes
• 1 lb ground beast, 80/20
• ¼ cup of taco seasoning
• 2/3 cup unholy water
• 1 white onion
• 2 cloves of garlic
• A liberal amount of Tabasco sauce
• 1 small can of sliced black olives (demon eyes)
• 4 slices of thick sliced swine belly
• 1 cup sour cream
• 1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• Salt
• Pepper
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ¼ cup chives

The injection of evil into the spuds:

Rinse the potatoes in cold unholy water and place into a 350 degree hatebox.   Add the pulverized beast meat to a pan, along with the onion, garlic and some salt.  Add the swine belly another pan, both over medium high hellfire.   Scald the pulverized beast meat until most of the fat has been extracted from the flesh, and drain.  Reintroduce the meat to a lessened firestorm of Hell and add the taco seasoning, unholy water and Tabasco.  Cover while it marinates in the brutalizing concoction. 

When the swine has been rendered crispy, extract and crumble into a bowl.  Save the swine fat in a jar so you may use it to induce suffering upon future victims.

After about 45 minutes, your spuds will be thoroughly softened by the intense hatred of Hell.  Extract and slice each one in half.  Use a grinder to sharpen the business end of a steel spoon.  Extract the steamy flesh and toss into the bowl with the swine.  Add the meat on top of the steaming pile of death, along with the rest of the ingredients, minus 2 tbsp of churned discharge and the demon eyes.  Use your automated machine of torture to combine into a revolting paste.  Manually stir in the demon eyes with your gutting spoon. 

Melt the remaining 2 tbsp of churned bovine excretion in the bottom of a baking dish.  Smear it all over the foundation of the dish while focusing on your unhealthy disdain of the baby jesus.  Next, place the disemboweled skins and fill with the mutilated viscera you have maliciously created with the strength bestowed upon you by El Diablo.  Place into your hatebox for 25 minutes. 

Arrange into a pentagram formation on a plate and serve.  

Death by Moldy Feces of Mephistopheles

Cooking time: 1 hour

Cooling time: 6 hours

The shit list:

• 1 box of brownie mix (oil, unholy water and aborted bird fetus required)
• 2 boxes of instant chocolate pudding (4 cups of bovine secretions required)
• 1 pint of heavy whipping cream
• ¼ cup sugar
• ½ cup M&Ms
• 10 drops of green food coloring
• Required equipment:
• Handheld automated destroying machine 

Unholy commands:

Start by preheating your hatebox to 350.  Next, destroy your brownie mix as directed with your automated destroying machine.  If the directions say not to use such a machine, throw the goddamn box away and use it anyway.  At the end, add ¾ of the kernels of Mephistopheles, which will clearly have his initial marked on each piece, and mix in.  These will melt beyond recognition during the torturing process, but will be reminiscent of blood and other abnormalities in the stool in which you will ultimately consume with ghoulish delight. Pour into a greased baking dish and insert into the deathbox for 30-40 minutes. 

In a separate bowl, use your automated machine of torment to combine the ingredients for the pudding.  Again, if the box says not to use an exquisite machine of torture, throw the box upon the floor and stomp it flat.  Next, use it to scrape the film from your filthy anus, set it on fire and blindly toss it out of a window.  With the machine, it won’t take long to mix into a fluid fecal consistency.  Afterwards, stick it down in the morgue to harden. 

While your liquid feces is becoming solid, pour the heavy whipping cream into a bowl and torture on your machine’s highest setting.  When it begins to thicken some, add the sweetening granules and the green mold coloring.  Continue dispensing unimaginable agony onto the defenseless cream until  it is as thick as pus from a wound which will surely lead to gangrene if left untreated.  Now place the bowl next to the pudding in the morgue.

When the huge steamer in the searing bedpan becomes fluffy and chewy, extract from the hatebox and allow it to cool for a couple of hours.  If you’re unsure if the feces has finished, stab it with your dagger.  If the dagger comes out free of feces, it is done.   If not, put it back into the box until that shit is finished and clean your dagger with some disposable wet wipes. 

Obtain a large glass bowl.  Destroy all of the cooked and cooled feces and deposit half of it into the bottom.  Use your bare hands to smash it down flat.  Next you'll add half of the cold, liquid feces, then the mold.  Repeat for the final layer.  Place it down in the morgue for a few hours, then ingest as though you were a repulsive fecalpheliac. 

Oriental Maggots

Torture time: 45 minutes

Feeds: A couple of angry fucks

The victims:

• 1 cup of white rice, cooked
• ¼ cup soy sauce
• 1 cup of chopped meat which has been seared above the coals of Charon
• 2 discarded fowl menstruations
• ¼ cup of diced onion
• 2 pulverized cloves of garlic
• 1 diced carrot
• 1 small can of Barbarian peas, drained
• 1 can of diced water chestnuts, drained
• 1 can of bamboo shoots, drained
• ½ tbsp. of crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp canola oil
• A shitload of butter

Preparation of the Emperor’s unholy feast:

First acknowledge and share with your friends about how this ancient recipe originated when the Chinese Emperor Ch'in was visited by Lord Lucifer in 214 BC.  Ch'in complained to the Dark Lord about how food tasted like imported camel shit, and was the reason why was so goddamned skinny. Satan gladly gave him this delicious recipe in exchange for the murder of the thousands of souls in opposition to evil.  The details may have changed somewhat over time, but the basic principle is still the same.  

Heat the oil in blackened wok, and add the onion.  Allow the bits to suffer until they are rendered colorless.  Add the garlic and stir, allowing them to soak up the brutal hatred from the searing steel for a couple of minutes.  Move all of the onions and garlic to one side of the wok and add the aborted embryos.  Let them receive irreversible burning until you believe the nucleus is starting to harden.  Destroy the infertile twat droppings with your probing device and toss until cooked.  Move to the side along with the onions. 

Next, add the carrot, peas, water chestnuts and shoots.  Add more oil beforehand, if necessary.  Stir around for a couple of minutes until the carrots begin to soften.  Dump the cooked and softened maggots into the mix, along with the soy sauce and spices.  Mix, then carefully smash the appalling mess, taking care not to explode the peas of the barbarians.  Increase the hellfire to high and stir in a large amount of butter.  Watch closely and ask Satan for unholy protection to ensure the demons do not burn your feast.  Stir and turn approximately every 1 minute. 

About 3 turns before the maggots are browned and crispy, add the meat.  Fowl is least preferable because it truly lacks delicious flavor, but it is easily attainable.  Other options include seared swine or beast meat from a creature bovine in nature.  A premium example of flesh, dismembered scalded sea roaches or horse.  You can mix the types of aforementioned fleshes to achieve maximum pleasure of sinful consumption. 

If you think it needs more churned bovine secretions, add some more.  Taste to ensure proper salinity.  If it needs more salt, use regular salt or add more soy sauce.  Extract and serve. 

Maggots with broccoli substituted for carrots.  Our Dark Lord permits 

you to use what you have on hand, as long as it is delicious. 

Baked Crap and Cheese

Cooking time: 1 hour

Goddamn list:

• ½ lb elbow macaroni
• Unholy water
• 6 tbsp churned bovine juice
• 3 cups whole bovine juice
• 3 tbsp flour
• 1 tbsp dry mustard
• 1 tbsp cayenne pepper
• 3 tbsp salt
• 1 tbsp paprkia
• 1 bay leaf
• One small onion, stabbed into fine pieces
• 6 oz sharp cheddar cheese; shredded
• 5 oz smoked gouda cheese; shredded
• 2 oz mozzarella cheese; shredded
• 1 large chicken menstruation sac
• 1 cup panko bread crumbs

Preparation:

Begin by preheating your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Obtain a medium- large cauldron and fill 3/4 of the way with unholy salted water.  Place atop your incinerator and selected the highest heat.  When the water is boiling furiously, add the elbows. 

Meanwhile, melt 3 tbsp of churned bovine secretions in a separate cauldron and melt over medium high hellfire.  When it begins to shriek in pain, add the flour, mustard and cayenne pepper.  You’re making a roux which will lead to the creation of a thick mucus, so keep stirring. 

Just before the elbows are done, remove from the fire and drain.  Provide some temporary relief by running cold unholy water over top of the elbows to prevent them from being rendered useless by suffering too much. 

When the melted butter and flour begins to darken from the searing blaze beneath, add the dismembered onion and stir.  Let the onions absorb the pain the other ingredients have had to endure thus far.   After about 2 minutes, add the paprika and bovine juice as well as 1 tbsp of salt.  Let it boil quietly for a few minutes. 

Thoroughly destroy the fowl menstruation with a whisk.  Temper it into the cauldron of thickened, immense suffering by adding scalding bovine mucus to the menstruation and whisking in.  After the temperature of the menstruation has been raised significantly, add it to the mucus cauldron.  Mix all of the cheeses together, then add most of them to the mixture.  Manipulate with your probing device until melted. 

Add the tortured and cooled elbows to the bubbling mucus concoction and fold them in.  Pour the entire mess into a glass or CorningWare dish large enough to hold the abomination in which lays before you.  Top with the remaining cheese.

Melt the left over 3 tbsp of churned bovine secretions is a medium sized pan over a blazing inferno.  Add the bread crumbs of the Emperor, along with a few dashes of salt, and toast until slightly darkened.  Spread this across the top of the melted mess, and place inside your hatebox for 30 minutes. 

When the ritual is complete, it should look like this:

Destroy and devour. 

Cannibalistic Bird Soup for the Soulless

Cooking time: a goddamn day

Feeds: The entire Church of Satan

Items in which you'll consume:

• 1 whole yard bird
• Unholy water
• An assload of salt
• Lots of black pepper
• 4 tbsp basil
• 2 tbsp oregano
• Lots of crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp Old Bay
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 onions
• 4 cloves of garlic
• 6 carrots
• A whole clusterfuck of celery
• 4 tbsp of butter
• 8 tbsp of flour
• 1 cup of rice or a handful of dried noodles, whatever you prefer

The symbolic sacrifice of the bird:

Carefully extract the bird from its artificial casing and place into a large cauldron along with the blood and juices.  Sprinkle with the seasonings of Satan and the leaves that once covered Adam’s tiny manhood. Next, add enough filtered unholy water to just cover the dead bird.  Rip the leaves from the celery stalks and throw into the pot as well.  Place the cauldron on the burner atop of your hatebox and sadistically smile as you slowly turn the heat to its maximum potential.

Before long, your abode will fill with the sweet aroma of death and spices.  While the bird is suffering within the unholy concoction, use your time to chop the celery, onions, carrots and garlic.  Do not hastily mix these vegetables, because you’ll be adding them at different times. 

Only let the immense torturing continue for about 35 minutes, or else the fowl will be judged inedible by Satan’s Disciples.  When it has completed, remove the corpse with your bare hands and carefully set aside onto a plate.  Gaze in wonder as the steam from its carcass rises and ascends towards the heavens.  This will offend the feeble god in heaven, as the steam will fog up his glasses.

Strain the death fluid into a bowl and use a garment to rid the inner walls of the cauldron of the gelatinized buildup of marrow and rendered fat.  Return the cauldron to it’s spot atop the hellfire and slightly reduce the hatred.  Add the butter.  When it has melted, add the flour, creating a roux.  Whisk until it has darkened, then add the onion.  After a short amount of time, add the garlic.  If you like your fluid to have the texture of hot and healthy urine, do not make the roux.  Instead, skip this step and add all vegetables and death juice at once. 

Once the aroma of mutilated root vegetables have filled the air, add the carrot, celery and death fluids to the cauldron.  Increase the flames of torment beneath.  Next is the moment in which a soldier of the Dark Lord is at his best; the disarticulation of the body!

Peel back the skin and consume.  Think deeply of the torture it endured whilst soaking in the salty, hellish bath mere minutes before.  Grab the naked corpse by the legs and give it a good shake; they will come off.  Dance around your altar, waving them above your head while screaming of your allegiance to Satan. Return and tear all of the flesh into small pieces and set aside. 

Make a fashionable necklace out of the remaining bones using a drill and 30lb fishing line.  You may use the wishbone with a friend to wish for Satan to rise up from the depths of Hell and offer to purchase your soul for unimaginable riches.  If you do not win the wishbone challenge, you have performed the ritual wrong and you must murder your friend and properly discard of the body by reducing its size with a chainsaw and tossing the pieces into a septic tank.  Be sure to remove the teeth from the skull because this will help eliminate evidence.  Plus you may need them as you age. 

If you win and your wish is not granted within a reasonable amount of time, you have performed the ritual wrong and must commit suicide.  Afterwards you will be cast down to Hell and made to be a slave of the underworld, performing mundane duties such as getting the paper and brewing tea with no reward.  

 

After the ingredients have started a pit and violently moshed within the cauldron for some time, add the rice or noodles.  I prefer rice, because it resembles maggots feasting upon rotting flesh.  Noodles can be visualized as parasitic worms, but will eventually turn to mush. Once you add either ingredient to the cauldron, the pit will settle down briefly as though a girl had jumped into a relatively aware pit at a Morbid Angel show.  When the other ingredients realize that rice and noodles are mere evil bitches looking for blood, they'll resume the violence. 

After the rice/noodles have completed soaking up the watery death, extinguish the flames of Hell and add the thoroughly dismembered bird meat.  Taste to ensure proper salinity, and add if needed.  Next, allow your soup of unholy destruction to cool, then place in your refrigerator for a minimum of 12 hours.  This allows demons in which come out at night to carefully intertwine the molecules, enhancing flavor.

The next day, place the cauldron back into position above low hellfire.  After a scorching temperature has been attained, you may indulge by guzzling your feast:
  

Beast Tips and Rice

Cooking time: 6 hours

Feeds: Two hungry, hungry assholes

Items necessary for the ritual:

• A couple pounds of cheap red beast steak
• 1 onion; shredded and chopped
• 1 carton of beast broth
• Salt
• Black pepper
• Several small mushrooms, whole
• 1/2 cup of jesus blood
• 4 tbsp Flour
• 4 tbsp Butter
• Garlic powder
• Small amount of canola oil
• 1 pkg goya sazon seasoning (Baphomet’s dust)

Required Tooling:

• Prolonged torture cauldron

Formulation for sin:

Mutilate your beast meat into small pieces, about 3/4” cubes.  Coat them in flour and sear all edges in a skillet with some canola oil over high hellfire.  Meanwhile, pour the broth into a crock cauldron and set on high.  Add the onions which you should have maimed into small pieces beforehand.   Throw in the whole mushrooms, garlic powder, black pepper, salt and the dust of Baphomet.   

When the meat is brown but still raw on the inside, drop into the crock cauldron, cover and walk away.  Next, deglaze the pan you just used with fresh jesus blood, then pour the remnants into the cauldron. Find ways to serve our unholy master while you wait, such as sacrificing easily catchable animals.  Remember, the larger the animal, the more blood for drawing a pentagram beneath the hanging corpse.  So, the bigger the better.

After you have returned from the ritual sacrifice, you may thicken up your beasty potion by making and adding a roux.  To do this, melt the butter until it bubbles, then add flour while whisking until it is the consistency of fresh felch fluid.  Let the bubbling mess darken, then add to your Satanic stew. 

Switch the cauldron down to low and make some white Devil grains.  For a delicious rice recipe, please see:  Seared Yard Bird with Bloody Chunks and Bleached Jesus Blood, Over Rice.

Extract the grains and pour the beast meat over top.   Conclude the ritual with a silent prayer to Satan, then feast on the beast.  

Fowl Hate Hash

Cooking time: 1 hour

Feeds: 2.5 slaves

Items needed for the sacrifice:

• 2 cups of cooked chicken, mutilated into shreds
• 4 or 5 red potatoes
• 1 onion
• 1 bell pepper (optional)
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 2 jalapenos (a shitload of tobasco can be substituted)
• 2 tbsp canola oil
• Salt
• Liquid Smoke
• Parsley
• 2 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Black pepper
• Cayenne pepper
• Taco seasoning (to taste, optional)

The preparation for the feast:

Begin by cooking your bird by any means.  If you wish to use a blow torch, please do so.  I’ve tried this a couple of ways; grilled above the coals of Charon and boiled in a cauldron full of deliciously evil seasonings.  Satan will allow you to choose one.  If you already have properly tormented cannibalistic bird on hand, the time it'll take to prepare this unholy feast will only be about as long as Deicide's Once Upon The Cross album.

Next, slice up the potato, onion, bell pepper, jalapenos and garlic into pieces nearly as small as the impact the bible has had on your life.  Meanwhile, get a pan going over medium high hellfire and add the oil.  First introduce the potatoes with some salt.  Allow the tiny pieces to sizzle violently while you stir.  After a few minutes, add the rest of the ingredients, minus the butter, fowl and taco seasoning. 

After the ingredients are thoroughly incinerated by the demonic blaze in which burns beneath, introduce the churned bovine secretions, fowl and taco seasoning.  You might have to add some unholy water from the tap to get the spices to disintegrate properly. Torture for a few more minutes.  

You can top this off with some cheese or whatever other shit you want.  Douse with tobasco, consume.   

Seared Swine Boiled in Fungal Demon Semen

Time:  1 hour 15 minutes

Feeds: A nice young couple, who routinely engage in domestic violence behind closed doors

You’ll need:

• Two thick cut boneless swine chops
• A dozen button mushrooms
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp flour
• 2 cups of whole bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of black pepper
• 1 tbsp of garlic powder
• 1 tbsp of onion powder
• Small amount of oil

The sadistic preparation of the swine:

Begin by setting your hatebox to 350.  Heat up a pan with medium high heat and add 1 tbsp of the churned bovine secretions.  Meanwhile mutilate your fungus into small pieces with your unholy dagger of the dark lord.  After the churned secretions have bubbled, add the disfigured fungus with some salt and sauté. 

While the fungus is being tortured, melt two tbsp of churned bovine secretions to large pan.  After this has reduced into a sickening, bubbling mess, add the flour and whisk, making a roux.  Add the remaining churned mammal fat to the shrooms and continue to persecute.

Add the liquid bovine fat to the roux a little at a time, stirring constantly and reducing the hellfire beneath.  After the desired thickness has been achieved, add salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder.  Then stir in the fungus from the other pan, along with the liquefied churned secretions.  It will resemble demon semen with chunks of rancid feces; a satanic delicacy. 

In the pan which once held the tortured fungus, add the oil, then the swine, which should have been dusted with the aforementioned spices and seasonings.  Sear on ALL SIDES, sealing in the delicious blood that will be ultimately be metabolized into urine and feces by your wretchedly disgusting body. 

When seared, move the persecuted pork to a baking dish just large enough to hold the flesh, then cover in a bukkake of demon spackle.  Cover with foil and let it burn in your torture box for 40 to 45 minutes. 

After time is up, allow the quivering chunks of swine flesh to rest for about 5 minutes.  Pour the boiling fungal infected, demonic spooge over the meat and devour.