Cannibalistic Bird Soup for the Soulless

Cooking time: a goddamn day

Feeds: The entire Church of Satan

Items in which you'll consume:

• 1 whole yard bird
• Unholy water
• An assload of salt
• Lots of black pepper
• 4 tbsp basil
• 2 tbsp oregano
• Lots of crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp onion powder
• 1 tbsp Old Bay
• 2 bay leaves
• 2 onions
• 4 cloves of garlic
• 6 carrots
• A whole clusterfuck of celery
• 4 tbsp of butter
• 8 tbsp of flour
• 1 cup of rice or a handful of dried noodles, whatever you prefer

The symbolic sacrifice of the bird:

Carefully extract the bird from its artificial casing and place into a large cauldron along with the blood and juices.  Sprinkle with the seasonings of Satan and the leaves that once covered Adam’s tiny manhood. Next, add enough filtered unholy water to just cover the dead bird.  Rip the leaves from the celery stalks and throw into the pot as well.  Place the cauldron on the burner atop of your hatebox and sadistically smile as you slowly turn the heat to its maximum potential.

Before long, your abode will fill with the sweet aroma of death and spices.  While the bird is suffering within the unholy concoction, use your time to chop the celery, onions, carrots and garlic.  Do not hastily mix these vegetables, because you’ll be adding them at different times. 

Only let the immense torturing continue for about 35 minutes, or else the fowl will be judged inedible by Satan’s Disciples.  When it has completed, remove the corpse with your bare hands and carefully set aside onto a plate.  Gaze in wonder as the steam from its carcass rises and ascends towards the heavens.  This will offend the feeble god in heaven, as the steam will fog up his glasses.

Strain the death fluid into a bowl and use a garment to rid the inner walls of the cauldron of the gelatinized buildup of marrow and rendered fat.  Return the cauldron to it’s spot atop the hellfire and slightly reduce the hatred.  Add the butter.  When it has melted, add the flour, creating a roux.  Whisk until it has darkened, then add the onion.  After a short amount of time, add the garlic.  If you like your fluid to have the texture of hot and healthy urine, do not make the roux.  Instead, skip this step and add all vegetables and death juice at once. 

Once the aroma of mutilated root vegetables have filled the air, add the carrot, celery and death fluids to the cauldron.  Increase the flames of torment beneath.  Next is the moment in which a soldier of the Dark Lord is at his best; the disarticulation of the body!

Peel back the skin and consume.  Think deeply of the torture it endured whilst soaking in the salty, hellish bath mere minutes before.  Grab the naked corpse by the legs and give it a good shake; they will come off.  Dance around your altar, waving them above your head while screaming of your allegiance to Satan. Return and tear all of the flesh into small pieces and set aside. 

Make a fashionable necklace out of the remaining bones using a drill and 30lb fishing line.  You may use the wishbone with a friend to wish for Satan to rise up from the depths of Hell and offer to purchase your soul for unimaginable riches.  If you do not win the wishbone challenge, you have performed the ritual wrong and you must murder your friend and properly discard of the body by reducing its size with a chainsaw and tossing the pieces into a septic tank.  Be sure to remove the teeth from the skull because this will help eliminate evidence.  Plus you may need them as you age. 

If you win and your wish is not granted within a reasonable amount of time, you have performed the ritual wrong and must commit suicide.  Afterwards you will be cast down to Hell and made to be a slave of the underworld, performing mundane duties such as getting the paper and brewing tea with no reward.  

 

After the ingredients have started a pit and violently moshed within the cauldron for some time, add the rice or noodles.  I prefer rice, because it resembles maggots feasting upon rotting flesh.  Noodles can be visualized as parasitic worms, but will eventually turn to mush. Once you add either ingredient to the cauldron, the pit will settle down briefly as though a girl had jumped into a relatively aware pit at a Morbid Angel show.  When the other ingredients realize that rice and noodles are mere evil bitches looking for blood, they'll resume the violence. 

After the rice/noodles have completed soaking up the watery death, extinguish the flames of Hell and add the thoroughly dismembered bird meat.  Taste to ensure proper salinity, and add if needed.  Next, allow your soup of unholy destruction to cool, then place in your refrigerator for a minimum of 12 hours.  This allows demons in which come out at night to carefully intertwine the molecules, enhancing flavor.

The next day, place the cauldron back into position above low hellfire.  After a scorching temperature has been attained, you may indulge by guzzling your feast: