Butt Honey Poopcorn

Cooking time: 168 hours

What you'll need:

• 1/2 cup popping corn
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• honey bee vomit
• salt

Here's how:

Microwaves are for losers. A real man pops corn in a dutch oven, preferably fueled by the demon farts, but in the absence of luciferian flatulence, a stove top will do. The secret to this incredible poopcorn is authentic, homemade butt honey drizzled over the kernels.

Part 1: Prepare the Dutch Oven

One week before making butt honey poopcorn, shoot a small woodland creature or harvest one from a nearby road and bury it under a full moon. The night before attempting this recipe, dig the creature up and consume it raw. Enjoy the nightmares it will bring as you agonize through severe intestinal cramping all night. When the time comes to make poopcorn, release the demon farts into your dutch oven and quickly place the lid on it. (It may be helpful to place a coffee filter under your rectum in case you've actually got the demon sharts.)

Alternatively, you can put the dutch oven on the stove on medium-high heat for 2 minutes.

Part 2: Release the Poopcorn

Pour 1 tablespoon of water into the dutch oven and quickly add 1/2 cup of popping corn kernels. Close the lid and shake vigorously. Shake about once each minute until all kernels have stopped screaming. Transfer the popcorn to a large bowl.

Part 3: Create the Butt Honey

Okay, I know I said microwaves are losers, but we're going to use one anyway, you loser. Put 2 tablespoons of butter in a bowl with 1/2 tablespoon of honey bee vomit and microwave it for 30 seconds. Immediately funnel it into your ass crack and let it drip onto the poopcorn below, stirring it to mix the butt honey evenly.

The Legs of Satan

Time: Hours

Feeds: 3 or 4 poorly dressed vandals

Killing list:

• 6 or 8 chicken legs
• 1 tbsp cumin
• 1 tbsp coriander
• 1 tbsp paprika
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp cayenne pepper
• 2 tsp black pepper
• Unholy water
• The juice from 2 limes
• Even more salt

Weapons:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

Let the suffering commence!

Find a large, sealable bag and dump in the amputaken legs along with enough unholy water to cover.  Add a fuckton of salt and the juice from 2 limes.  Stash in your morgue for at least 8  hours.

Fire up the Charon box, and extract the slowly decomposing legs from the unholy, acidic bath.  Dry them with some paper towels, and cover with the dry spice mixture you mixed up beforehand.  Cover each leg liberally, visualizing how painful it’d be to get that shit into an open wound, but how delicious that open wound would be afterwards.

Place each leg on the hate grate above the flames of Charon and torture until they are thoroughly void of life.  You may thank Satan through verbal prayer and immediately consume.  

Infernal Swine Sausage and Peppers with Bloody Chunks

Time: One hour

Feeds: 4 drunk bastards

The doomed:

• 4 or 5 spicy Italian sausages
• 1 red bell pepper
• 2 green bell peppers
• 6 or 7 large mushrooms
• 1 red onion
• 1 white onion
• 4 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into pieces
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup of bleached jesus blood
• Fuckton of salt

The Bloody Chunks:

• 2 cans of diced tomatoes
• 6 tbsp olive oil
• 6 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into tiny pieces
• Fuckton of basil
• Fuckton of salt

Specialized murder tools:

• Immersion pulverizer

The unholy ritual:

Get your largest pan and place over medium-high hate heat and dump the sausages in.  It is important to use spicy sausages, but you may use mild or sweet.  However, let it be known that if you use anything other than spicy, Satan will have one of his minions fuck you in the ass for the remainder of eternity shortly after you arrive within the confines of Hell.  If you’re into that, then that’s fine.  It’s your asshole.  If you consume the spicy sausages, your anus will be lined with capsaicin, which leaves an unpleasant feeling on the phallus.  This will deter most anal rapists in your miserable afterlife.  

Let the sausages suffer until cooked on all sides, and let rest.  While the sausage was suffering, you should have been raping your garlic, onions, peppers and mushrooms.  The onions and garlic should be raped into strips.  Add the bovine churnings, onions and garlic to the pan that was used to render the sausages consumable.  Probe constantly for 5 minutes, then add the peppers. 

Torture for another 10 minutes, then add the mushrooms.  Torture for a few more minutes, then add the jesus blood.  Slice your rested sausages into pieces and reintroduce into the abomination.  Reduce the hate and cover.

While your sickening concoction is suffering, obtain a medium sized cauldron place it over medium hate heat.  Add the oil and garlic, and torment until the garlic pieces have softened.  Add the tomatoes and basil.  Pulverize it in short bursts, three or four times.  Let it slowly suffer for about 10 minutes. 

Extract the meat/raped vegetable mixture and adorn it with the bloody chunk sauce.  Consume and thank Lord Satan for swine.  

Burned and Liquefied Devil Pepper Sauce

Time: Too long

Feeds: 4 sweaty pit bosses

The list of the dead:

• 2 red bell peppers
• 5 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into infinitesimally small pieces
• Assload of basil
• 4 tbsp olive oil
• 2 cups of half and half bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup parmesan bovine coagulations
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Instruments of torture:

• Death from above unit
• Immersion pulverizer
• Bastard brush

The unspeakable mutilation:

Start by preheating your death from above unit.  Turn that motherfucker up all of the way and get a rack as close as you can to it.  Using your bastard brush, coat the peppers with some olive oil, and burn them underneath the hellacious raging fire.  It’ll take about 20 minutes or so (4 or 5 minutes for each side), and extract when the peppers are blackened.  Insert into a sealable bag, and jerk off to images of sadistic bondage for 45 minutes

After you are through mutilating your own genitals, extract from the bag.  Remove the skin and seeds, and cut into pieces.  Obtain a small cauldron and place over medium hate heat.   Add the garlic and olive oil, and simmer for a few minutes.  

Add the deceased pepper flesh.  When the first signs of boiling appear, use your immersion pulverizer to turn into a thick paste.  Add the rest of the shit and hit it one more time with the pulverizer after the bovine churnings have dissolved.  I like to devour it with charonized swine, which had been previously saturated with in acid.  It also goes good with dead angel hair.  

Slow-Tortured Titty

Time: All fucking day

Feeds: A small group of Ritalin junkies

Satan’s choice of consumables:

• 1 turkey breast
• 2 tbsp Dijon mustard
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/2 cup of bleached jesus blood
• 1 cup of fowl juice
• 2 tbsp rosemary
• 2 tsp fowl seasoning

For boiled death dressing liquid:

• 2 cups fowl juice
• 1/4 cup of juice of tit drippings
• 3 tbsp bovine secretions
• 3 tbsp AP flour
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of pepper
• 2 tbsp sour cream
• Fuckton of raped green onions

The required tools:

• Prolonged torture cauldron
• Bastard Brush

Killing instructions:

Start by mixing up all of the dry seasonings into a bowl.  Insert the naked titty into the prolonged torture cauldron with the liquid.  Using your bastard brush, paint the detached titty with the mustard, then coat with the seasonings.   Torment on the slowest torture setting for 8 agonizing hours.

When the ritual is near completion, obtain a pan and place over medium-high hate heat and melt the churned bovine secretions.  Add the flour and stir, until all of it it coated in fat.  Then add the fowl and tit juices and stir until thickened.  At this time, extinguish the hate in which burns beneath, and add the sour cream.  Stir until it has dissolved, then add the green onion.

Remove the chesticle from the cauldron and let it rest for 10 minutes.  Slice, drench in the sickening death fluids and consume. 

Charonized Sea Roaches, Seared with Acid and Disgraced with Herbage

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: You and another loser, and maybe another

The grub and other vermin:

• 2 pounds of sea roaches
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• ½ shit of melted bovine secretions
• The acid from two lemons
• 3 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 4 cloves of vampire repellent, raped into tiny pices
• Fuckton of chopped basil, destroyed with your dagger
• Assload of salt
• Ass load of pepper

Murder weapons:

• Impalers
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

The preparation of the headless, sea scavengers

Begin by mixing everything up in a goddamn bowl.  Be sure to remove the heads, shit sacs and shells from the underwater pests, then dump them into the bowl with all of the other shit.  Place into the morgue then prepare to fire up your Charon box.

After an hour has elapsed, extract the sea roaches, that have been scalded by the tasty acid bath.  Impale each sea roach onto the, cold, steel sticks, and place above the hot coals. 

When the lifeless bodies turn pink and curl up, your feast is complete.  You may douse with more acid if you desire before you metabolize them into foul-smelling shit.  

Organic Scab and Steroid Casserole

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: A considerable amount of maggots

The damned:

• 1 lb shredded bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• 2 tsp basil
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tbsp parsley
• 1 tbsp crushed red pepper
• Fuckton of salt and pepper
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 1/4 cup jesus blood
• 1/2 cup parmesan coagulations
• 1 block of frozen spinach, thawed
• A shitload of mozzarella coagulations
• 1/2 head of purple cabbage, raped

The defiling of the dead:

Start a medium high hellfire and brown the beast meat with the onion and garlic.  After it’s brown, add the spices, coagulations, jesus blood, can of blood and can of blood clots.  Allow this to suffer until it has thickened; about 15-20 minutes. 

Meanwhile, prehate your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Boil the raped scabbage pieces in a cauldron of salted unholy water for about 5 minutes and drain. 

If you need to thaw your leafy steroids further, do so in the cauldron you used to punish the scabbage.   Be sure to drain them thoroughly, or else the ritual will fail!

Obtain an 11X9 dish, and lubricate with some sort of oil.  Add the scabbage and spread evenly.  Next, add the defiled bovine meat and various bloods.   The next layer will be the spinach, followed by the fuckton of mozzarella coagulations.

Persecute in the hatebox for 30 minutes.  Extract and let rest for 10 minutes before you begin destroying with your guts. 

Incinerated Cod Crotch

Time: 40 minutes

Feeds:  2 or 3 hateful, hateful metalheads

Shitlist:

• 4 cod loins, about a pounds worth
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• ½ sleeve of round-ass crackers that rhyme with ‘spits’
• The fluid from one lemon
• 1 tbsp of parsley
• 1/4 cup of bleached jesus blood
• A fuckton of salt
• A fuckton of chopped green onion

Unleash your murderous rage upon the crotch of the ill-fated creature meat:

Prehate your hatebox to 400 goddamn degrees.  Place the churned bovine secretions into a solid steel bowl and place in your nuclear hate box.  Enjoy the cool lightning show for the 60 seconds or so it’ll take to reduce the chunk of fat into a boiling liquid. 

Pour half of the molten churnings into a baking dish and set aside.  Now turn your fury towards the buttery round crackers, smashing them into dust.  Combine them  and the parsley with the liquefied secretions in the bowl.

Add your fish taints to the baking dish with the melted churnings, and coat with the liquid fat.  Insert into the hatebox and let it suffer for about 10 minutes.  Meanwhile, mix your citric acid and bleached jesus blood.

After the required time has elapsed, extract the crotches and pour the acid/jesus blood mixture over top.  

Now, cover with

the destroyed, fatty cracker mixture on top, like it’s some sort of goddamn breading.  Reinsert into the hatebox, and torture for another 10 minutes.  Extract for the final time and top with the raped green onion.  Devour.