Butt Honey Poopcorn

Cooking time: 168 hours

What you'll need:

• 1/2 cup popping corn
• butter (or imitation curdled cow mammary fluids)
• honey bee vomit
• salt

Here's how:

Microwaves are for losers. A real man pops corn in a dutch oven, preferably fueled by the demon farts, but in the absence of luciferian flatulence, a stove top will do. The secret to this incredible poopcorn is authentic, homemade butt honey drizzled over the kernels.

Part 1: Prepare the Dutch Oven

One week before making butt honey poopcorn, shoot a small woodland creature or harvest one from a nearby road and bury it under a full moon. The night before attempting this recipe, dig the creature up and consume it raw. Enjoy the nightmares it will bring as you agonize through severe intestinal cramping all night. When the time comes to make poopcorn, release the demon farts into your dutch oven and quickly place the lid on it. (It may be helpful to place a coffee filter under your rectum in case you've actually got the demon sharts.)

Alternatively, you can put the dutch oven on the stove on medium-high heat for 2 minutes.

Part 2: Release the Poopcorn

Pour 1 tablespoon of water into the dutch oven and quickly add 1/2 cup of popping corn kernels. Close the lid and shake vigorously. Shake about once each minute until all kernels have stopped screaming. Transfer the popcorn to a large bowl.

Part 3: Create the Butt Honey

Okay, I know I said microwaves are losers, but we're going to use one anyway, you loser. Put 2 tablespoons of butter in a bowl with 1/2 tablespoon of honey bee vomit and microwave it for 30 seconds. Immediately funnel it into your ass crack and let it drip onto the poopcorn below, stirring it to mix the butt honey evenly.