Fowl Hate Hash

Cooking time: 1 hour

Feeds: 2.5 slaves

Items needed for the sacrifice:

• 2 cups of cooked chicken, mutilated into shreds
• 4 or 5 red potatoes
• 1 onion
• 1 bell pepper (optional)
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 2 jalapenos (a shitload of tobasco can be substituted)
• 2 tbsp canola oil
• Salt
• Liquid Smoke
• Parsley
• 2 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• Black pepper
• Cayenne pepper
• Taco seasoning (to taste, optional)

The preparation for the feast:

Begin by cooking your bird by any means.  If you wish to use a blow torch, please do so.  I’ve tried this a couple of ways; grilled above the coals of Charon and boiled in a cauldron full of deliciously evil seasonings.  Satan will allow you to choose one.  If you already have properly tormented cannibalistic bird on hand, the time it'll take to prepare this unholy feast will only be about as long as Deicide's Once Upon The Cross album.

Next, slice up the potato, onion, bell pepper, jalapenos and garlic into pieces nearly as small as the impact the bible has had on your life.  Meanwhile, get a pan going over medium high hellfire and add the oil.  First introduce the potatoes with some salt.  Allow the tiny pieces to sizzle violently while you stir.  After a few minutes, add the rest of the ingredients, minus the butter, fowl and taco seasoning. 

After the ingredients are thoroughly incinerated by the demonic blaze in which burns beneath, introduce the churned bovine secretions, fowl and taco seasoning.  You might have to add some unholy water from the tap to get the spices to disintegrate properly. Torture for a few more minutes.  

You can top this off with some cheese or whatever other shit you want.  Douse with tobasco, consume.   

Seared Swine Boiled in Fungal Demon Semen

Time:  1 hour 15 minutes

Feeds: A nice young couple, who routinely engage in domestic violence behind closed doors

You’ll need:

• Two thick cut boneless swine chops
• A dozen button mushrooms
• 4 tbsp churned bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp flour
• 2 cups of whole bovine secretions
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuckton of black pepper
• 1 tbsp of garlic powder
• 1 tbsp of onion powder
• Small amount of oil

The sadistic preparation of the swine:

Begin by setting your hatebox to 350.  Heat up a pan with medium high heat and add 1 tbsp of the churned bovine secretions.  Meanwhile mutilate your fungus into small pieces with your unholy dagger of the dark lord.  After the churned secretions have bubbled, add the disfigured fungus with some salt and sauté. 

While the fungus is being tortured, melt two tbsp of churned bovine secretions to large pan.  After this has reduced into a sickening, bubbling mess, add the flour and whisk, making a roux.  Add the remaining churned mammal fat to the shrooms and continue to persecute.

Add the liquid bovine fat to the roux a little at a time, stirring constantly and reducing the hellfire beneath.  After the desired thickness has been achieved, add salt, pepper, garlic powder and onion powder.  Then stir in the fungus from the other pan, along with the liquefied churned secretions.  It will resemble demon semen with chunks of rancid feces; a satanic delicacy. 

In the pan which once held the tortured fungus, add the oil, then the swine, which should have been dusted with the aforementioned spices and seasonings.  Sear on ALL SIDES, sealing in the delicious blood that will be ultimately be metabolized into urine and feces by your wretchedly disgusting body. 

When seared, move the persecuted pork to a baking dish just large enough to hold the flesh, then cover in a bukkake of demon spackle.  Cover with foil and let it burn in your torture box for 40 to 45 minutes. 

After time is up, allow the quivering chunks of swine flesh to rest for about 5 minutes.  Pour the boiling fungal infected, demonic spooge over the meat and devour.  

Seared Yard Bird with Bloody Chunks and Bleached Jesus Blood, Over Rice

Cooking time: 45 min

Feeds: Two pieces of white trash

Satan's ingredients:

• 2 Chicken titties
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• Dash of garlic powder
• 1 Onion
• 6 Button Mushrooms
• 2 cloves of garlic, smashed into bits
• 1 tsp dried basil
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• Salt
• Pepper
• ¼ cup flour
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• ½ cup fowl fluid
• ½ cup of bleached jesus blood

For Rice:

• 2 cups fowl fluid
• 1 cup rice
• 1/8 cup parmesan cheese
• 1 tbsp butter
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1/4 tsp dried oregano
• 1/4 tsp dried basil 
• Dash of marjoram
• Dash of garlic and onion powder

The ritual:

Begin by starting a large inferno beneath a large pan, and add the olive oil.  Also preheat your hate box to 350.  Cover your  C cup titties with the salt, garlic powder and pepper.  Wrap in plastic and painfully beat the ingredients into the flesh, but do not flatten.  Lightly coat the disfigured, nippleless breasts in the pulverized wheat and recklessly toss into the burning inferno.  Meanwhile, quarter the mushrooms with your dagger.  When the first side of the flesh pillows are browned, flip the boobies and add the fungus to the searing oil. 

Destroy the onion into about ¼” pieces and place in a bowl.  Add the bird fluid, bleached jesus blood and bloody fruit chunks with its liquid. Also add the remaining seasonings, which are thoroughly void of life, along with the salt, a small amount of flour and stir.  Just before the bird flesh mounds have received irreversible 4^th degree burns on both sides, add the fresh garlic to the oil and stir the fungus.  After about 30 seconds, add the contents of the bowl, cover and reduce the hellish flames.  Stir occasionally. 

To boil the grains, pour two cups of fowl juice into a pot, along with the spices and bring to a raging boil.  Add the rice, cheese and churned bovine secretions.  DO NOT STIR OR PROBE, it will only make your unholy grains taste like rotting angel poop.  Cover and toss into the hate box until all of the liquid has been absorbed, which will take 10-15 minutes. 

After the rice has absorbed all of the fluid, use a bare hand to extract the pot from the hate box.   The pain and scarring will result in a pleased unholy savior, which is the true and only purpose of our otherwise meaningless lives.  At this time, the chicken boulders will be done and you can adorn your unholy grains and firm chest mountains with generous helpings of bloody chunk jesus blood sauce. 

Prolonged Torture Stew

Any self-respecting cook should have a prolonged-torture cauldron for slow cooking. This is just one of many possible recipes in which a wide variety of victims can be combined to create one delicious mess.

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds stew meat
• 4 cubed Russet potatoes
• 1 chopped onion
• 25 white mushrooms
• 30 baby carrots
• 2 minced garlic cloves
• 2 (14.5 ounce) cans of beef broth
• 2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
• An assload of salt
• A buttload of black pepper
• A posterior's worth of paprika

Ritual:

Dump everything into your cauldron on high for 6 hours.

Slash Browns

This hash brown recipe has an exciting knife twist: the "slash" comes from the slice in the neck of your sacrificial pig and the subsequent cuts into its abdomen to excise delicious belly flesh. If you don't have access to a pig, or live in an urban area not friendly to raucous slaughter, simply watch a video from the inside of a slaughterhouse before each preparation as a substitute.

Cooking time: 20 minutes

List of the former living:

• 6 or more strips of bacon
• 3 Russet potatoes
• 1/4 cup chopped onion

Slash n' Burn:

Prepare a cauldron of cold saltwater.

Peel 3 Russet potatoes and grate them into long strips of tuber. The longer the strips, the better. Soak the strips in the cauldron of cold saltwater.

Sear 6 strips of belly flesh in a cast iron torture pan and remove. Do what thou wilt with the rendered bacon. DO NOT DRAIN THE LIQUIFIED CYTOPLASM AND FAT OR THE RITUAL WILL FAIL.

Drain the shredded potatoes and place them in the center of an open ritual towel. Wrap the four corners up like a hobo's bindle and twist over a drain until no further liquid spews from the ritual towel.

While the bacon fluids are still hot, scatter the potatoes upon it and delight in the spattering torturous beads of scalding liquid that are released into the atmosphere. When the potatoes around the edge of the pan begin to turn black and smoke, flip and scatter the entire torture pan's contents.

Douse the still-suffering potatoes in salt, black pepper, and chopped onions. After a few minutes, remove and consume. Cut yourself if desired.

Agonizing Awakening with Swine and Potato

Cooking time: 30 minutes

Feeds: 4 hellions

Consumable inventory:

• 1 tube of breakfast sausage
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 bell pepper, diced
• 2 or 3 jalapeños, diced
• 6-8 button mushrooms, quartered
• 4 red potatoes, maimed into cubes
• Salt
• Pepper
• 6 chicken embryos
• 1 cup extra sharp cheddar Cheese

Wake up to the nightmare:

Begin with a silent prayer to Satan, thanking him for a world in which you can easily purchase swine that was led to slaughter and ground into paste with delicious spices and seasonings.  Next, start an inferno beneath a large skillet and add the entire contents of the tube.  Crumble it up with your probing device, keeping the pieces relatively small. 

After the scorching of the swine is near its finish, remove and add the potatoes.  Stir them around until they are mostly cooked, then add the rest of the vegetables and fungus.  If you’re a pussy (in which Satan does not approve) you will have removed the seeds and membranes from the jalapeños.  This kind of action is what causes St. Peter to potentially overlook your other numerous sins, and you certainly don’t want that!  Add salt and pepper and continue to stir until the potatoes are done, then remove the brutal concoction and add to the nauseating mess of seared swine meat.

The executed roots will have soaked up all of the beast juice from the pan, so you’ll have to replenish this with the butter.  While it is melting, abort your embryos into a large bowl.  Blend together their nucleic acids and add to the pan.  Keep the embryonic fluid moving so you get a good scramble, while adding salt and pepper during the process. 

When the aborted fowl fluid has taken nearly all it can stand, reintroduce all of the prior ingredients into the blazing inferno and stir.  Once it is thoroughly reheated, add the cheese and fold in.  When it has melted into a semi-agglutinated mess, serve and devour.  

Atypical Fruit Stuffed with Shredded Dead Flesh (Brujeria Style)

Cooking time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 fuckers

Consumable inventory:

• 1lb of pulverized beef
• 3 bell peppers
• 1 medium onion, diced
• 1 clove garlic, annihilated
• 1 package of taco seasoning
• Salt
• Shredded queso of your choice
• Hot sauce (optional)

The Summoning of El Diablo:

Start by preheating your hatebox to 350 and igniting a medium high hellfire beneath a large skillet.  Add the beef, onions, garlic and salt to the pan.  While browning, split the fruit from head to ass and extract the entrails and membranes.  Ignite another pot of scalding salt water and toss the slashed fruit into the cauldron of suffering.  Torture until tender, about 5-7 minutes.  Extract, drain and set side by side in a baking dish with the open cavities facing skyward. 

After the flesh has been thoroughly persecuted by Satan’s unholy flames, drain the death fluids and return to the searing pan with the taco seasoning as directed.  You may also add the hot sauce, which will surely earn trust and respect from the Mexican Dark Lord.  Allow it to seethe in the foreign fluids.  Once it has reduced into an unrecognizable mess, you will be ready for the next step.

Fill the gutted and tormented fruit with the dead, scorched meat.  Slide them into the hatebox for 20 minutes.  After the time is up, extract, cover in cheese (I like monterey jack) and get it acquainted with the broiler for a couple of minutes.  Once the cheese is beginning to brown, your feast is complete.




*Picture shows atypical fruit stuffed with shredded dead flesh topped with Lucifer's processed cheese dip.  (One block of processed cheese, 2 cans of tomatoes and chiles melted in a prolonged torture cauldron)