FREE RANDY Fillets and Fries

Estimated time: Several days

Feeds: As many fuckers as you want.  Fish are free and readily available for sacrifice.

Components:

• Several fresh fish fillets
• 2 cups buttermilk
• ¼ cup flour
• Minuscule amount of baking powder
• 1 cup cornmeal
• Salt
• A bunch of russet potatoes
• More salt
• Pepper
• Lots and lots of oil (Canola or higher quality.  Peanut is best)

Cook with me in Hell!

At present time, Randy Blythe of Lamb of God has been wrongly imprisoned in the Czech Republic.  Please perform this unholy ritual with Randy in your thoughts, since it’s hard to smuggle a file in a fish fillet and ship it to the Czech prison he is currently being held in.  Besides, the fish would rot before it got to him anyway and would probably be devoured by the goddamn Czech officials, who undoubtedly consider rancid fried fish to be a delicacy.    

Begin by catching your own fish.  12-14” largemouth or spotted bass work exceptionally well for this.  “But I don’t know how to catch fish,” you say?  Well, you’re life is of absolutely no value if you can’t go out and kill your own protein.  You’ll surely be kept out of Hell after death if you are truly that worthless.

Use your dagger to fillet the fish you managed to score from your local, polluted water source.  Soak the fillets in the rotten milk over night, which will firm up the dead flesh. 

Fill up your deep fryer with oil and set to its highest temperature.  Using your trusty dagger, slice your potatoes into fries and submerge in cold salt water.  When oil is ready, thoroughly drain and dry your mutilated roots, place in the basket and drop into the oil.  If you fail to dry the potatoes properly, the violent reaction of the oil will leave horrendous scars on your arms, face and possibly, genitals.  If this is what you’re into, then go ahead and drop them in wet. 

After two minutes of unimaginable torture, remove the fries and let them suspend over the oil until the temperature has returned to its maximum.  While you are waiting, you may use the time to loosen up any stubborn spuds that have gotten stuck to the basket wall.  I also salt them at this stage, because salt is the universal seasoning of our dark lord.  After the desired temperature is achieved, drop them back in.  After the fries are golden brown, remove and drain.  Salt them one last time and place in a bowl lined with paper towels. 

Mix up the flour, cornmeal and baking powder.  Extract the flesh from the bloodied rotten milk and coat with salt and pepper.  Then dip the flesh into the flour/cornmeal and drop into the fryer.  The fish will float up when done after about 2-4 minutes.  Remove, drain, salt yet again and devour.  

Roman Entrails

Estimated time: 1 hour

Feeds: At least 5 followers

Shitlist:

• 2 lbs pulverized beef
• 1 medium white onion
• 5 or 6 cloves of garlic
• Fresh basil
• Fresh oregano
• Sage
• Marjoram
• ½ cup parmesan cheese
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 8 button mushrooms
• 1lb penne pasta
• 1-2 cups mozzarella cheese

Bring forth the suffering

Begin with a silent prayer to Lord Satan.  Ask for the strength to endure through the orchestrated slaughter which will soon take place within the confines of your humble kitchen.  If you’re a servant in high esteem, you will have no problem achieving victory, resulting in the consumption of your enemies’ entrails.

Start by lining a medium sized pot with the olive oil then place upon a medium high inferno.  Dice the onion and add ¾ of it to a sweltering, oily death.  Meanwhile, destroy your garlic and add ¾ of it to the cauldron after the Satanic powers have rendered the onions translucent. 

Next, get a big, motherfucking skillet and ignite the flames of Hell beneath it.  Toss in the meat of the bovine creature, which surely met a painful and humiliating death in a forsaken building constructed for such sadistic purposes.  Add the rest of the onion, garlic, ¼ of the herbs (¾ of the sage) and a metric fuckton of salt and pepper .  Scorch the beast meat until it is brown and thoroughly dead. 

Add the rest of the herbs to the onions/garlic and stir.  Allow them a few moments for them to absorb the hate heat, which is similar to what your soul will feel for the rest of eternity once your worthless shell of a body has exhaled its last breath.  Pour in the canned, mutilated fruit (you can pretend it’s forbidden, since our Dark Lord is a fan of that particular tale) and add some goddamn salt.  Rub some salt into your eyes and curse the hand god for making you vulnerable to such ridiculous amounts of pain through a seemingly insignificant action.  In your temporary rage and blindness, add the parmesan cheese and stir as best you can.  If done correctly, Satan will be spiritually aiding with this process, making failure impossible. 

After the Roman blood has began to boil, reduce the flames and ignite yet another fiery inferno beneath a large pot of salt water.  Your meat should be nearing the end of its torture session, and you will need to add the sliced mushrooms for a brief period.  Preheat the incinerator to 350 and drain the death fluid from the dead carcass shreds. 

Once the salt water is boiling with rage, add the penne, which is what will give substance of the dish of evil you will soon be consuming.  Boil the floury intestines al dente, then drain.  Add the bovine remnants to the blood and mix.  Next return the ancient intestines to a pot, and combine with the flesh and blood.  Stir while thinking about how the pope would be weeping if he knew of the insult you have brought to his followers by preparing the entrails of their ancestors for consumption.  This is what they get for popularizing a religion that you hold in great disdain!   

Transfer the bloody mess to a 13X9 glass baking dish and cover with aluminum foil.  Laugh about how maybe the Roman Empire wouldn’t have fallen if they had been clever enough to properly use this element, which has proved quite useful to mankind since the first production in 1825.  Throw into your hatebox for 20 minutes.  This will be plenty of time to apply corpse paint and fashion a pope hat out of paper for the ceremonial desecration of a god held up by a feeble people. 

When the time is up, remove the metal and add the mozzarella cheese.   Place under the broiler for 2 minutes, or until brown.  Allow to rest for a few minutes, then consume.  You may save the remains for the following day.  Just cover with more metal and reheat at 200 degrees for about 30 minutes.

Tits n' Tubers

Cooking time: 20 minutes

Get ready:

• Two or more chicken titties
• At least 4 red potatoes
• 1-2 strips of bacon
• Bread crumbs
• Shredded sharp cheddar cheese
• Garlic salt

How it's made:

Tits are chicken breasts. Tubers are potatoes.

So you're making chicken and potatoes. You make them at the same time because you're going to share cauldrons and ingredients between the two, all right? They're just not as hateful separately.

Start by searing a strip of bacon in a screaming hot flat cauldron until it spews out all its fluids and mostly shuts up. Burn the little bastard until it's almost smoking, then remove it to a paper towel to await corspegrinding.

At the same time, cut red potatoes into eighths. For hell's sake, don't wash them! They'll get a bath in the boiling cauldron of doom. Boil a pot of water and feed them all in, delighting in the painful splashes of scorching hot water. Boil them as long as you like so that they are very soft in the middle.

Now cover the chicken tits in bread crumbs and shredded cheddar, and then throw them into the juices of the sacrificed bacon. You may have trouble keeping the cheese on, but just make sure some of it gets in the pain and it's under the chicken. The cheese will begin to fry. After about 5 minutes, flip the chicken to the other side and douse some more cheese on the now-cooked side (quickly, so it melts from the heated bacon fluids).

When the chicken is done, remove and set aside. Drain the potatoes and hurl them into the bacon fluids that now contain bits of fried cheese. Stir them around so they cook equally on all sides, and crumble the sacrificed bacon so tiny flesh sprinkles decorate the plants. Now rub the bacon residue from your hands all over your body and encourage your slave to clean your defiled skin with its tongue. When the potatoes are golden brown on the outside (just a few minutes) your delightful tit n' tuber meal is ready to consume.

Maliciously Marinated Seared Swine

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: 4 or 5 of your douchebag friends.  Less if your friends are fat.

Consumables: 

• One pork tenderloin
• Charcoal grill
• 2 tbsp clover bee vomit
• 1 cup soy sauce
• Juice from one lime
• 1 tsp black pepper
• ½ tbsp ginger
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• 2 tbsp crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp parsley

Sacrificial Ceremony:

Begin by pouring the two tablespoons of the bee vomit into a large bowl.  Next place in your nuclear reactor for approximately 20 seconds.  This softens up the regurgitations, allowing it to mix easily with the other ingredients.  Now add the other fluids and powders then mix to create the malevolent potion.

Put your chunk of swine into a sealable bag and cover in the callous concoction.  Allow it to soak up as much of the wickedness as possible.  This fluid along with the luscious loin of filthy swine will give you the strength to serve the will of our Unholy Lord by fueling your heinous soul.  Be sure to save some of fluid for basting while the flesh swelters over the fiery inferno.

You will have plenty of time to contemplate how to fulfill the deeds in which Satan has assigned while the meat soaks up the solution.  After you dig approximately one and a half graves in moderately rocky soil during a full moon, the swine will be ready for torture upon the grate of Charon.   

After the time has elapsed, set fire to the pit of blazing anguish.  Place the raw flesh directly over the burning coals from the shores of the River Styx and close the lid.  Turn every 5 minutes, brushing on more of the ghoulish gravy until desired doneness is achieved.

Demon Digits

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: You and at least one of your gay friends.

The hate list:

• Two humongous boneless chicken boobies
• Two chicken embryos
• A small amount of bovine secretions
• A couple of cups of pulverized wheat
• 1 tbsp baking powder
• An assload of lard (or shortening)
• A metric fuckton of salt
• Black pepper
• Cayenne pepper
• Garlic powder
• Onion powder
• Sauce from The Wings of Satan

Persecution of the titties:

Start by rendering your fat into a liquid by heating a large skillet on top of your incineration box.  The scalding fat needs to be at least 375 degrees to make this work, so it’s wise to have a thermometer handy.  Of you can test it with your finger.  If the skin falls right off, you know you're ready for torture. 

Next, slam your C cup nippled mountains down on a mutilation board and retrieve your largest dagger.  Recite the Satanic Battle Hymn as you slice each jug into strips, about 1" wide. Dust with the evil concoction of spices you had the forethought to combine beforehand. Abort the unborn fowl and empty the embryonic fluid into a bowl.  Add a little bit of bovine secretions and whisk vigorously to combine.  Place your disfigured flesh pillows into the terminated pregnancy fluid. 

Combine the flour and baking powder, which will then become the Cocaine of Satan.  Roll the appallingly disfigured and humiliated boob meat generously in the symbolic drug, and toss into the blistering fat.  Let it swelter in the pan of persecution until they are golden brown.

Remove and drain.  After a couple of minutes, add to a bowl with however much demon blood you desire.  The more you use, the more hellish the fingers will be.  Mix and devour.  

Pulverized Fowl Scorched in Acidic Hellfire

Cooking time:  45 minutes, unless you’re intoxicated.

Feeds: 2 doomed souls

Torture list:

• Two B or C cup chicken titties
• ½ cup flour
• An assload of salt
• A fuckton of pepper
• The juice from 1 large lemon
• Some olive oil
• ¼ cup white wine
• 1 cup chicken broth
• ½ tbsp dried basil
• ½ tbsp dried oregano
• 2 cloves of garlic, dismembered
• 2 tbsp butter

Masochistic Procedure:

Start off adorning your face with a leather mask and ball gag, making sure the eye holes are unzipped.  Wrap your poultry fun bags in plastic wrap, then proceed to render them into A cups with a large mallet.  Meanwhile, start a medium high inferno of certain death below a large skillet.  Add the olive oil.  Remove the knockers from the wrap and add the salt, pepper, basil and oregano to the expired bird balloons.  Lightly dredge the bazookas in the flour.  Add to the pan along with the garlic.  Reduce the heat and watch closely, or else the wrath of Satan may blacken your boob-meat crust, which will render your dick squeezers to be completely unattractive to your salivating mouth, unless you’re into that sort of thing. 

Towards the end of the first part of the ritual, add the butter and make sure you coat the twins thoroughly.  Your patience will be rewarded by our Unholiest of all Lords when the jugs resemble giant scabs.  You may remove the flesh pillows and set aside. Add the broth,  booze and acid to the pan, and more salt.  Bring to a boil. 

After a couple of minutes, you will likely be fully aroused from all of this sexual sadism.  The final step is submerge the chicken cantaloupes in the acidic cauldron of death and cover.  Allow the poultry pacifiers to take in some of the caustic fluid.  Transfer to a plate and douse with the corrosive concoction.   Remove your ball gag and devour your sadistic creation.

The Wings of Satan

Cooking time: Depending on the ferocity of your hellfire, 1.5 hours

Feeds: A fuckload of fuckers

You’ll need:

• An assload of Texas Pete or any other mild hot sauce for the base
• Tabasco sauce to taste
• Cayenne pepper to taste
• Tbsp of garlic powder
• Tbsp of onion powder
• A fuckton of salt
• Tsp black pepper
• Tsp White pepper
• 1 stick of butter
• ¼ cup of worcestershire sauce
• Enough fowl wings to cover the grate over your flames
• CHARCOAL grill

Creation process:

First, please note I clearly specified using a charcoal grill to prepare this unholy feast.  If you do not own a charcoal grill, either obtain one or go off and experiment on your face with a 12 gauge shotgun.  Gas grills are for the weak, and our unholy Lord of eternal suffering does not appreciate weakness. 

Begin by hating, I mean heating, a medium sized pot over a medium high blaze of fiery torment.  Add the stick of churned bovine secretions, along with the rest of the non-flesh ingredients to the cauldron of miserable hellfire.  Stir it up real good and slow, gradually bringing it to a boil.  Reduce the flames of ungodliness and let it sit in its own suffering, stirring occasionally.

Dismember the wings by slicing through the joints with an extremely sharp dagger.  If you’re having trouble, just compare it to dismembering a corpse for easy disposal, and it should come naturally to you.   Add the pieces of lifeless, boney flesh to a bowl and adorn with a small amount of the boiling hate sauce. 

While the dead skin is soaking up the demonic fluid, start your grill by removing the grate, distributing a mountain of charcoal on the ash pan and dousing it with an unnecessary amount of accelerant.  Set it on fire with whatever device you prefer (i.e. match, blow torch, flame thrower).  A few minutes after the flames have subsided, distribute the burning charcoal evenly across the pan with your bare hands and return the grate. 

A few minutes later, add all of the Satanic wings across the grate.  You’ll soon notice a large amount of seepage from the dead flesh.   Contrary to popular belief, this is not excess fat melting off, but is actually the tears of god’s angels who have gathered to witness this wicked ceremony which marks the beginning of a great and unholy war.  It will also be obvious the tears are flammable, so it’s best you keep a close watch over this ritual to ensure that god does not gain the upper hand by ruining your feast.  After several minutes, flip all of the wings, which will surely bring forth additional sorrow from the witnessing angels above. 

Continue flipping for 30 minutes to an hour.  When the wings of our hateful lord have been rendered golden brown and crispy by scorching anguish, they will be ready for the final process.   Move them to a glass or metal bowl and liberally add the bubbling demon blood sauce, and mix.  Consume the wings.  You may use the leftover hate sauce to commit acts of sodomy with a partner of your choosing.