Suffered Carrots

Time: 1 hour

Feeds: 3 or 4 assholes

List of shit:

• 1 lb of carrots
• 1 tbsp salt
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 3 tbsp ap flour
• 1 tsp baking powder
• 3 discarded chicken embryos
• 1 stick churned bovine secretions
• 1 tsp nutmeg

Required equipment:

• Handheld automated mutilation device

Rendering the root vegetable unrecognizable:

Fill a medium sized pot half way with salted unholy water and insert the carrots.  Boil the fuckers over high hellfire for about 15 minutes.  While this is going on, preheat your hate box to 350.  Strain and deposit into a mixing bowl.

Immediately insert the rest of the ingredients and destroy with the handheld automated mutilation device.  You must do this while it's hot, or else you'll be left with a chunky, shitty mess.  

Pour the sickening mess into a lubed casserole dish.  Insert into the hate box and suffer for 45 minutes.  Extract, serve and devour.

Seared Slab of Beast with Burned Death Melody

Time: At least 6 hours

Feeds: 2 damned souls

Acidic beast bath:

• 1/3 cup lemon juice
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce
• 3 cloves of garlic
• 1 tsp black pepper
• 2 tbsp basil
• 1 tbsp parsley
• 1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
• 1 tbsp Asian hot sauce

The other shit:

• Two sirloin steaks
• 3 large yellow squash
• One onion
• 1/2 yellow bell pepper
• 1/2 red bell pepper
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• Crushed red pepper
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1 tsp dried rosemary
• 1/2 tsp dried time
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/4 cup mozzarella bovine coagulations

Agonizing appliances:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• Immersion pulverizer

Developing your bloodlust:

Begin by acknowledging that Lucifer created all horned animals, in which you are about to consume.  Without horned animals, we’d be forced to consume gay meats like chicken. 

Please note I suggested sirloin steaks.  Don’t try to flavor a good cut of meat, like a ribeye, because you will eventually have to stand before Satan and answer for your stupid decisions.  This wouldn’t please him.

Place your steaks in a sealable bag.  Combine all of the acidic bath ingredients in a measuring cup and destroy with your immersion pulverizer.  Pour enough in the bag with the meat to cover and seal.  You may remove the air in the bag with a straw for better acidic coverage.  Save the rest of the soaking fluid in a clean jar and stash everything in the morgue.

After several hours, the beast will have soaked up a shit ton of flavor from the vile concoction.  Extract from the morgue and let rest of the counter for at least an hour.

Set your box ablaze.  While your fiery inferno is growing in intensity, slice your vegetables and place in a bowl.  Put the rest of the ingredients in the bowl and stir to combine.  

Move your coals as close to the torturing grate as possible and slap your slabs of beast over the heat.  After exactly 2 minutes, turn, 1/4 of a turn.  After another two minutes, flip.  When the next two minutes pass, turn.  Two more minutes, extract and let rest.

Now place your vegetable Charonizing device on the grill and spread  your marinated death melody evenly across the searing surface.  Close the lid and allow them to suffer for 5 minutes.   Meanwhile, add the mozzarella coagulations to the bowl you just used for the vegetables.  Flip the vegetables and allow them to torment for another few minutes above the searing coals.

Dump the steaming mess directly on top of the coagulations and stir.  The coagulations will melt slightly, and add to the delicious death that lies before your eyes.  Serve with your hunk of beast and devour. 

Limey, Anti-Vampire Titties

Time: Hours upon hours

Feeds: 2 nasty bastards

Torture list:

• 2 chicken titties with skin and bones
• 1 lime, juiced
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
• 2 cloves garlic
• ¼ cup olive oil

Exquisite tools of torture:

• Immersion pulverizer
• Death from above unit

The assembly of the damned:

Begin by adding everything but the titties to a bowl and destroy them with an immersion pulverizer.  Next place your titties in a bag and pour the vile concoction over the bony boob meat.  Massage into the mounds and let marinate for at least 8 long fucking hours. 

Prehate the hatebox to 350 hate units.  Lube up a baking dish with a lube of your choice and add the bird bags.  I like to add a digital death indicator probe so I know exactly when the flesh has been sufficiently tortured, but otherwise it’ll take about 30 minutes. 

After it has been rendered lifeless, turn your death from above unit to high and sear the flesh once more, allowing the skin to brown.  Let the disfigured milkless mammaries rest, then serve for consumption.

Dead Dolphin, Boiled in Acid

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds:  2.5 assholes

The list:

• 4 mahi mahi fillets
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• 1/2 cup bleached jesus blood
• The juice from two lemons
• 6 cloves of garlic, crushed
• 3 tbsp butter
• Fuckton of salt
• Pepper

The torture of the primitive creature:

Obtain a large pan, place it over medium high hellfire and add the oil.  Once the heat has reached a level to where it would create horrible scar tissue if living flesh was introduced to the oil, add the dead dolphin and let it sear for about 2 minutes. 

Flip the flesh, crank up the hate to high and add the rest of the ingredients, minus the butter.  When the liquid has boiled and reduced significantly (3 minutes or so), add the butter.  Extract the ruined flesh from the pan, cover in the acid and buttery bleached jesus blood and consume.  

Dead dolphin served with boiled maggots and suffered snap peas.

Ground Pig Sandwich Solidified in Aborted Embryo

Time: 30 goddamn minutes

Feeds: 2 dying souls

Shitlist:

• 1/2 tube breakfast sausage
• 1/2 cup raped onion
• 1/4 cup raped yellow bell pepper
• 1/4 cup raped red bell pepper
• 3 or 4 jalapenos, raped to pieces
• 2 cloves of garlic, smashed and slashed
• 3 fowl embryos
• 4 slices of bread
• 4 slices of coagulated bovine secretionsfrom the most powerful nation on the planet
• Fuckton of salt and pepper

Forcing agonizing screams from the dead flesh:

Begin by obtaining a large cast iron pan.  Place it over medium high hell fire and add the ground swine, onions, peppers, garlic and jalapenos.  Probe as the meat delightfully screams and pops.  Put your face directly over the pan so you can be scarred by the boiling, rendered fat of the sacrifice, as evidence you are a true warrior against god and pig alike.  If you are lucky, you will be blinded in at least one eye by the scalding death fluids.

When the meat has been rendered completely void of life, beat your embryos in a bowl and add to the pan.  Kill the hate, stir to combine all ingredients, and cover tightly with foil.

Brown your bread with the heating method of your choice.  I like the toaster, since it is made specifically for this application, but you may use your death from above unit, if you wish.  Upon extraction, immediately add the dominant nation coagulated bovine secretions to each slice of bread, so it lightly melts into the porous surface.

Now divide your abominable mess and place upon the bread and immediately construct into a dead meat sandwich.  Allow the coagulations to properly melt, which will act as a binder to the bread.  Devour, and in your daily prayers, be sure to mention to Satan how Hellworthy we are at AMHCB for thinking of such a thing.  

If you fucking hate bread, you may use torturetillas.  When I invented this ritual, I had no torturetillas on hand, and was unwilling to make them.  

I imagine this would be demonically delicious with home-persecuted torturetillas.

Ghoulishly Grilled Hateburger

Time: Hours and hours

Feeds: 3 or 4 fuckers

Necessities for torturing the flesh:

• 1.5 lbs destroyed bovine meat; 80/20
• Salt and pepper

Coffin construction:

• 3 cups of AP flour
• 1 tbsp rapid rise microscopic zombies
• 1 cup of warm unholy water
• Fuckton of salt
• 1/8 cup sugar
• 2 tbsp swine gut fat
• 1 discarded chicken embryo

Torture tools:

• Automated mutilation device w/meathook
• The box in which holds the flames of Charon

Go forth and cook!

Start with the cold bovine flesh and divide into quarters.  Form into dead meat patties, douse with salt and pepper, then wrap in plastic wrap and stash in the morgue. 

Obtain a measuring cup and add the zombies and warm unholy water.  In the bowl of your automated mutilation device, add the flour, menstruation, salt, sugar and fat.  After the zombies have reanimated, add to the bowl and torture for about 5 minutes, until the mess is silky and smooth.  If it doesn't form a proper agglutination, add more unholy water until it does.

Cover with a loin cloth and let rise in a warm place for 1.5 hours.  After the zombie flatulence has risen the sticky mess sufficiently, divide into 8 round balls, place on a pan, recover and let the flatulence rise from the dead again, for another hour. 

Next, extract the raw, dead buns and preheat your hatebox to 375.  Incinerate for 18 minutes, or until golden brown.  Allow them to cool on a rack.

Fill your Charon box with coals and set ablaze.  When they are grey, spread evenly and allow the torment grate to rise to an unimaginable temperature.  Add your raw hate burgers to the inferno and let them suffer for 4 minutes on each side.  This should give you a good medium rare to medium finish.  If you’re a fucking sissy and like them burned, torture some more until there is very little give when lightly pressed with a finger.

 

DO NOT at any time during the brutalizing of the beast meat, press with a probing device.  This will release delicious juices crucial for the successful finalization of the ritual.  If your meat cakes are dry, the ritual will certainly fail. 

If you want melted cheese on your hate burger, add it two minutes before the cooking process is complete and close the lid.  You may add other accessories such as bacon, onion, pickles, tomato, etc.  Construct to your liking using your sliced

homemade hate buns and demolish with your digestive tract.

Slashed Crookneck and Raped Spud with Bovine Excrement

Time: One goddamn hour!

Feeds: 3 or 4 soldiers of Satan

Items for ritualization:

• 2 large red potatoes
• About 2lbs of yellow squash
• 2 cloves of garlic, smashed and raped
• 2 tbsp of fresh chopped basil
• 1/4 cup bovine secretions
• 2 cups of sharp cheddar coagulated bovine secretions
• 1/4 cup parmesan churned bovine secretions
• 4 tbsp olive oil

The relentless scalding of the edibles:

Preheat your hatebox to 400 hate units.  Obtain your yellow phalluses and red spuds, rinse with unholy water and rape into incredibly thin slices.  A guillotine would be perfect for this, but if you don’t have one, do like I did and use a razor sharp dagger. 

Once you’re done, add the slices to a bowl along with the smashed vampire repellent, basil and 3 tbsp of oil.  Mix to combine.  Add the remaining oil to a baking dish in which comes equipped with a lid, and spread around, coating the walls.

Next, add one third of the slices to the pan.  Add 1/3 of the cheddar coagulations, then repeat until all of the shit is gone.  Cover with parmesan coagulated bovine juice, then slowly pour in the bovine tit excrement.  Add the lid and torture for 35 minutes.  Remove the lid and torture for an additional 15.  Extract and ingest.