Demonic Fowl Casserole

Time: 1.5 hours

Feeds: 4 fuckers

The things that need killing:

• 2 chicken tits, bone in, tortured to a crisp beforehand
• 2 lbs russet spuds
• 1 cup demon blood
• 1/4 stick of bovine secretions
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 3 tbsp olive oil
• Black pepper
• 8 slices of pork gut, seared to a crisp and pulverized
• 2 cups sharp coagulated bovine secretions
• Canola oil in a can
• Fuckton of salt

The Rage and Violence in which leads to goddamn Murder:

Before you get started with the unholy preparation of the appallingly delicious feast, you need to sear off your fowl titties.  Do yourself a favor, and do this above the flames of Charon.  This will enhance the flavor of the finished dish by impregnating it with the smoke of Satan. 

Now, preheat your hatebox to 500 fucking hate units. Remove the skins from the root vegetable, rinse then rape with your dagger into 1/2” cubes.  Get a large skillet and put it on your hellfire generator over medium high hellfire.  Add the fuckton of salt, oil, butter, half of the demon blood, raped onion and maimed root vegetable.  All them to suffer for about 10 minutes, then transfer to the casserole dish you have sprayed with canola in a can beforehand.

Insert the dish into the sweltering hatebox and set your goddamn timer for 10 minutes.  Now would be a good time to get the swine searing, if you haven’t done this already.  After the timer alerts you, extract the casserole dish, stir and return to the burning inferno for another 10 minutes.  Repeat 2 more times for 4 times total, or 40 minutes.

Meanwhile, deflesh your chicken titties and make a fashionable necklace out of the charred bones.  Cut the flesh into cubes and put into the pan the potatoes suffered in.  Pour the rest of the demon blood into the pan and stir well with your probing device.  The hate heat  should be off because this is just a step to permeate the dead flesh with hate spices. 

After the spuds have been charred and burned nearly to death, extract and mix in the mutilated and disgraced tit meat and crack some fucking pepper in that shit.  Reduce the heat to 350.  Sprinkle the coagulated bovine secretions on top (you don’t have to use sharp, Monterrey or pepper jackal is acceptable) and insert back into the hatebox for 20 minutes. 

Extract, and plop a heaping flesh shovelful onto your goddamn plate.  You may dress with bleu cheese.  Consume.   

Quesadillas of Charon

Time: Less than 2 hours

Feeds: A small family of devil worshippers

Lives to end:

• Two chicken titties, bone in, skin on
• 1/2 cup taco seasoning
• 2/3 cup unholy water
• 6 flour tortillas
• Coagulated bovine secretions
• 2 tbsp hot sauce
• Sour cream
• Salsa
• Canola oil

Murder weapons:

• The box in which holds the flames of Charon
• Rectangular bed of fiery death

Kill and consume:

Ignite your fire in the box of Charon, and coat your titties in about 1/4 cup of the taco seasoning.  Be sure to put the searing spices within the boobie skin.  Torture until a temp of 165 had been attained.  You can be assured that all life as been extinguished at that temperature. 

Next, angrily shred the flesh from the bone and put into a large pan.  Put the rest of the taco seasoning into the pan with the unholy water.  Cover and cook until the unholy water has been absorbed.  Probe occasionally. 

Meanwhile, heat your rectangular bed of fiery death over medium high hellfire.  Brush with oil and place up to two tortillas on the pan.  Spoon about 1/3 of a cup of dead tit meat and coagulated bovine secretions then fold over.  Flip before it begins to burn, and immediately coat the other side with coagulated bovine secretions. 

Extract and devour with sour cream and salsa.  

Flounder au Hate

Time: Not long

Feeds: 2.5329 possessed slaves

Kill List:

• 6 flounder fillets
• 1 can evaporated milk
• One small onion, sliced
• 1 tbsp old bay
• Dash of tabasco
• Black pepper
• Fuckton of salt

The execution:

Start by washing your fish meat in the goddamn sink.  Next, dump everything but the dead fish into a large pan over high hellfire.  Just before it begins to boil, add your dead fish and coat with the scalding liquid.  Reduce the hellfire and slap a lid on.  In less than 10 minutes, your fish dish will have been properly executed.  Extract and devour.  

Chunky Fart Fluid with Processed Tube Steak and Corn Chips with Coagulated Bovine Secretions

Time: Longer than you think

Feeds: 3 or 4 minions

The shit:

• 8 beef brats
• 8 soft tortillas
• 2 cans of chili with beans
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• A fuckton of hot sauce
• 4 cups of corn chips (Fritos)
• 2 cups sharp coagulated bovine secretions
• Canola in a can

The Ceremonious Killing:

Preheat your hatebox to 400 degrees.  Go ahead and sear off the goddamn brats over the coals of Charon.  Next, roll them up into the tortillas.  Place the dressed up meat sticks into a casserole dish, which has been sprayed beforehand with canola in a can.  Layer with about a cup of corn chips, then chili, then onion. Repeat until you’re out of shit to cover it with.  Top with the coagulated secretions.  Cover with foil and execute in the hatebox for 35-45 minutes.  

Pythius Pie

Time: Way more than a day

Feeds: 3 or 4 felons

List:

The soul:

• 2 cups bread flour
• 1.5 tbsp salt
• 2 tbsp sugar
• 1.5 tbsp olive oil
• 3/4 cup warm unholy water
• 1 tbsp dry active yeast

The blood:

• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 2 cloves garlic, raped to pieces
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tbsp olive oil
• 1 tbsp tomato paste
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper

The flesh

• Pepperoni and/or any other flat meat such as bacon or ham
• Vegetables such as onions, green peppers
• Fungus
• Mozzarella coagulated bovine secretions
• Provolone coagulated bovine secretions

Required tooling:

• Automated torture device w/meathook

The day of reckoning begins:

Start by combining the sugar, warm unholy water and zombies and let sit for about 10 minutes.  Put the rest of the ingredients into the bowl, then add the ravenous zombie fluid.  Use the machine to knead viciously for 15 minutes.  It’ll be loud, but killing things usually isn’t quiet. 

Roll the dough into a ball and lube up with oil.  Put in a bowl and cover tightly with plastic wrap.  Place into your morgue for 24 hours. 

The next day, preheat your hatebox to 666 degrees, or the highest temperature it’ll attain.  If you want to use a stone, make sure that’s in there, soaking up the hate.  Use a dagger to cut the dough in half.  Stretch and knead the elastic dough until your arms begin to tire.  Then roll into balls and cover with a towel for 30 minutes.  

Toss and stretch until you have formed discs about 16” in diameter.  Use a little less than 1/4 cup of blood and spread out across the dough with a flesh shovel.  Add some coagulated bovine secretions, followed by your meat, vegetables and fungus.  Cover with more coagulated bovine secretions.  Torture each pie in the hatebox for 7 or 8 minutes, or until the crust is browned and the bovine secretions are boiling. 

Extract, cool, divide and devour.  

Deviled Embryos

Time: 45 minutes to an hour, depending on the speed of your mutilation skills

Feeds: Serves as a side dish for a fuckton of fuckers hellbent on consuming dead meat

The dead:

• 12 fowl embryos
• 1/2 cup mayonnaise
• 2 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1/4 cup dill relish
• 6 slices of swine belly
• 1 tbsp salt
• A fuckton of fresh ground black pepper
• Juice from one lemon
• Paprika

The abortion of the unborn fowl:

This ritual begins with the persecution of the swine gut.  Thick sliced is always preferable, but not necessary.  Torture until crispy, and remember to save those death fluids for future applications in other rituals. 

White the pig flesh is cooling and on the verge of decay, boil some unholy water in a cauldron over high hellfire.  Add the discarded embryos to the boiling cauldron, place a lid on top and remove from heat.  Allow the menstruations to suffer for at least 15 minutes.  

Peel the shells away from the embryos and slice the flesh in half, longitudinally.  Pop the yellow bird fluid that never grew up out into a bowl.  Combine with all of the rest of the ingredients, included crumbled swine gut meat and mix well.  Spoon the sickening viscera back into the white flesh vessels.   Sprinkle with paprika.  You may devour immediately or place into the morgue to cool.  

Die Scream of Valhalla

Time: Too fucking long

Feeds: Who cares?

The consumables in which to desecrate:

• 4 cups of half and half
• 2 cups of whipping cream
• 10 yolks from discarded chicken menstruations
• 2 cups of sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 vanilla beans

Machinery:

• Churning bucket of icy death
• Candy death indicator
• Handheld automated torture device

Go forth and cook!

Begin by obtaining a large cauldron.  Dump in the cream, half and half and salt.  Use a dagger to split your beans in half and scrape out the pulp with the spine of your blade.  Then dump all of that shit into the cauldron.  Ignite a medium hellfire beneath your cauldron and attach a candy death indicator to the side.

In a separate bowl, add the nuclei from the discarded menstruations.  Use a whisk to viciously beat and destroy the aborted birds.  If you handheld automated torture device has a whisk, use that.  When the yellow becomes lighter, start slowly adding the fucking sugar as you beat.  It’ll become brutally thick as the sugar cuts the maimed menstruation like tiny shards of broken glass. 

When your cream mixture reaches 170 degrees F, remove from the heat and use a large flesh shovel to transfer about 1/8 of a cup at a time to the ruined bird fluid.  Continue to whisk while combining, and keep doing this until about 1/3 of the nauseating mess has been combined.  At this point, add the contents of the bowl to the cauldron and return to the heat.  When the temperature has once again reached 170 degrees, transfer to a clean container, cover and place in the morgue over night.

The next day, fish out the dead beans and discard.  Churn according to the instructions of your churning bucket of icy death.  While it is churning, strip naked, put on your nicest Viking helmet and sit bare-assed on your own kitchen table while pondering what Odin will be eating for dessert this evening after his feast of dead beast meat and poorly cooked foliage.    

When it is done, try a bowl.  It’ll be soft, yet cold and creamy.  Your senses will be overwhelmed with a feeling of euphoria which will leave your body demanding more.  Once you consume the entire vat, you will be filled with a murderous rage, which will surely lead to the death of many and your incarceration or demise. 

Or you could transfer to a container and freeze for a harder consistency.  Either way you’re going to end up dying.  Enjoy. 

Brujeria Grains

Time: More than an hour

Feeds: More assholes than you probably even know

The damned:

• 2 cups of rice
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 2 jalapenos , raped with a knife
• 1 onion, raped into quarters
• 1/3 cup of vegetable oil
• 6 cloves of garlic, raped to bits
• 2 cups of fowl  juice
• 2 tbsp salt
• Assload of cilantro

Required equipment

• The destroyer

The formula of hostility:

Start with an audible prayer to the dark lord to assist you with this ritual, which is a goddamn pain in the ass to complete.  Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Next, place the filthy grains in a fine mesh strainer and rinse them until the water runs clear beneath.  If you skip this step, the ritual will certainly fail.  When you are done, allow the grains to drain.

Obtain a large corningware cauldron and heat the oil over medium high hellfire atop of your hellfire generator.  It is important this dish have a heavy lid.  Now add the tomato and onion to the destroyer and murder the shit out of them.  They will be liquid by the time you’re done. 

Add the drowned and dried grains to the searing oil.  Torture and probe for 6 minutes and 66 seconds.  Add the garlic and jalapenos and inflict suffering for another couple of minutes.  Add the fowl juice, destroyed tomato/onion mix, fuckton of salt, pepper and cilantro.  Place your lid on top of the cauldron and insert into the hatebox for 15 minutes.  Extract, probe with a large flesh shovel to make sure everything is mixed, and reinsert for another 15 minutes.  Extract again and devour.  

Maimed Spud Salad

Time: Enough time to make you hate

Feeds: A fuckton of fuckers

The ones who shall be chosen for death:

• 8 or 9 red potatoes
• A pot of unholy water
• 3 boiled chicken embryos, smashed to pieces
• Another pot of unholy water
• Fuckton of salt
• Juice from half a lemon
• 1/3 cup mayonnaise
• 2 tbsp mustard
• 1/8 cup dill relish
• Half an onion, raped with a knife into ridiculously small pieces
• Fresh ground black pepper

Defiling the Irish staple:

Rape you potatoes into approximate 1/2” cubes with a knife.  Boil in unholy water for exactly 6 minutes and 66 seconds until tender.  Drain and dump into a large bowl.  Add all of the other ingredients and mix well with a large flesh shovel.  Add to the morgue for a couple of hours to chill.  Extract and demolish with your intestinal tract. 

Baphomet’s Burritos

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 3 or 4 members of the occult

List for the body bags full of meat

• 1 lb pulverized bovine flesh
• 1 onion, raped to pieces
• 3 cloves of garlic, smashed to bits
• 2 tbsp chili powder
• 1 tsp ground cumin
• 1 tsp oregano
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tsp onion powder
• Fuckton of salt
• Fuck ton of pepper
• 1/2 cup of dead angel blood
• 1 can of blackened fart pods, drained
• 6 soft tortillas

Dead Angel blood:

• 1/4 cup of oil
• 1/4 cup chili powder
• 1 tsp tabasco sauce
• 2 tbsp flour
• 1 can tomato sauce
• 1.5 cups water
• 1/2 tsp ground cumin
• 1/2 tsp onion powder
• 1/2 tsp garlic powder
• Fuckton of salt

The desecration of the damned:

Start by obtaining a small cauldron and setting it atop your hellfire generator. Add the oil, chili powder and flour.  Stir and persecute for a couple of minutes.  Add everything else then reduce hate heat to medium low and cover, allowing the dead angel blood to simmer. 

Take a large pan and get a medium high hellfire burning beneath it.  Add the bovine meat, onions and garlic.  After all signs of life have been extinguished, drain off the death fluids and return to the pan.  Add all of the other ingredients and stir with your probing device.  Cover and allow to simmer for a few minutes.

Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Scoop about 1/2 cup of the horrifically mutilated animal into each tortilla and roll up like a tiny body bag.  Place into a 11X 9 casserole dish and repeat until you’re done.  Cover with dead angel blood and top with the coagulated bovine secretions of your choice.  Allow this abomination to suffer with the realm of the hatebox for about 15 minutes.  Extract and devour.  

Anger Food Cake

Time: 3 fucking hours

Feeds: Variable

List:

• 12 embryonic fluid sacs of fowl
• 1.5 tsp cream of tartar
• 2 cups pounded to dust sugar
• 1 cup cake flour
• 1 tsp lemon extract
• 1/3 cup warm unholy water
• 1/4 tsp salt

Torture tooling:

• Automated mutilation device
• Powder shitter
• Anger cake pan

The Scalding of the Fluid Left Over from the Abortion:

Why did the chicken become impregnated 12 times yet decide against having the baby each time?  So you could make a angrily delicious cake! 

Preheat your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Now get to cracking those shells and separating the nuclei of the aborted baby birds from the clear fluid you require.  I actually freeze my goddamn embryonic fluid, because I use the nuclei of aborted birds for other applications, such as constructing death balls or making delicious frozen custard.

Pour the disturbing mess into the mixing bowl of your automated mutilation device.  Attach the balloon whisk.  Add the cream of tartar, half the sugar, unholy water.  Slowly progress the speed of the goddamn machine until it is at full throttle.  Viciously process this questionable fluid until it becomes extremely stiff and frothy, which is what she said. 

Combine the cake flour, the remaining sugar and salt into the powder shitter.  Remove the bowl of your mixer from grasp of the automated mutilation device and set on the counter.  Force the powder shitter to shit out some of the flour, sugar and salt into the bowl.  Use a probing device to fold into the ruined froth fluid.  Repeat until the shitter has shat out all of the dust.

Transfer to an ungreased anger food cake pan.  If you’re smart, you will have invested into a two piece pan.  But you’re probably stupid, as well as broke, and can’t afford a goddamn $10 two piece pan.  Whatever. 

Place in the hatebox and persecute for 35-40 minutes, or until done.  Extract, and cool upside down over a goddamn plate.  After about 30 minutes, extract, slice and devour.