Die Scream of Valhalla

Time: Too fucking long

Feeds: Who cares?

The consumables in which to desecrate:

• 4 cups of half and half
• 2 cups of whipping cream
• 10 yolks from discarded chicken menstruations
• 2 cups of sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 2 vanilla beans

Machinery:

• Churning bucket of icy death
• Candy death indicator
• Handheld automated torture device

Go forth and cook!

Begin by obtaining a large cauldron.  Dump in the cream, half and half and salt.  Use a dagger to split your beans in half and scrape out the pulp with the spine of your blade.  Then dump all of that shit into the cauldron.  Ignite a medium hellfire beneath your cauldron and attach a candy death indicator to the side.

In a separate bowl, add the nuclei from the discarded menstruations.  Use a whisk to viciously beat and destroy the aborted birds.  If you handheld automated torture device has a whisk, use that.  When the yellow becomes lighter, start slowly adding the fucking sugar as you beat.  It’ll become brutally thick as the sugar cuts the maimed menstruation like tiny shards of broken glass. 

When your cream mixture reaches 170 degrees F, remove from the heat and use a large flesh shovel to transfer about 1/8 of a cup at a time to the ruined bird fluid.  Continue to whisk while combining, and keep doing this until about 1/3 of the nauseating mess has been combined.  At this point, add the contents of the bowl to the cauldron and return to the heat.  When the temperature has once again reached 170 degrees, transfer to a clean container, cover and place in the morgue over night.

The next day, fish out the dead beans and discard.  Churn according to the instructions of your churning bucket of icy death.  While it is churning, strip naked, put on your nicest Viking helmet and sit bare-assed on your own kitchen table while pondering what Odin will be eating for dessert this evening after his feast of dead beast meat and poorly cooked foliage.    

When it is done, try a bowl.  It’ll be soft, yet cold and creamy.  Your senses will be overwhelmed with a feeling of euphoria which will leave your body demanding more.  Once you consume the entire vat, you will be filled with a murderous rage, which will surely lead to the death of many and your incarceration or demise. 

Or you could transfer to a container and freeze for a harder consistency.  Either way you’re going to end up dying.  Enjoy.