Isolationist Beast Steak, Beaten, Stabbed and Boiled in Fruity Acid

Time: 6 hours

Feeds: 3 or 4 ungrateful bastards

Things to kill:

• 3 or 4 bottom round steaks
• ¼ cup of flour
• Assload of salt
• Assload of pepper
• One large onion, carved into bits
• 4 cloves of garlic, smashed to death
• 4 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• An unreasonable amount of rendered swine belly fat
• 2 tbsp oregano
• 1 can of diced tomatoes
• 1 can of tomato sauce
• 2 cups of bovine juice, extracted from the bones and connective tissue

Required tools:

• Small, pointy dagger
• Prolonged torture cauldron
• Flesh annihilator

The execution:

Begin by laying out your hunks of flesh and covering the in salt and pepper.  Next, take a sealable bag and deposit the flour within.  Toss one hunk of flesh into the bag and shake violently.  Set the flesh on a board and repeat with the other steaks.

 

Next you will convey your murderous rage into the meat.  Spread your legs, taking a wide stance.  Place your weak hand onto the counter, and hang our head ominously above your target.  Lower your brow and widen your eyes.   Angrily frown as you grip your flesh annihilator in your strong hand and begin to beat the ever loving shit out of the flesh, like you’re trying to get it to tell you where the money is.  Flip it over and repeat.  Beat for a perverse amount of time.  If flour and blood is flying throughout the air, then you’re doing it correctly. 

Now get your small, pointy dagger.  Stab it quickly and savagely, over and over.   You’re going to want to stab each beast slab at least 75 times.  Take pleasure in the fact knowing that if your hunk of flesh were indeed a murder victim, the medical examiner would probably lose sleep for days over such a horrendous mutilation. 

Place all viciously disfigured pieces of meat back into the bag.  Obtain a large cast iron pan and deposit the swine fat over medium-high hellfire.  When it melts and becomes capable of quickly exterminating life, recoat the dead beast flesh in flour and deposit into the scalding fat bath.

Sear for a minute on each side.  Extract and place into the prolonged torture cauldron.  Now add the destroyed onions and garlic into fat.  Let them suffer while probing for about 5 minutes, then add ¼ of the tomato sauce.  Cook for another couple of minutes, probing the entire time.  Deposit into the prolonged torture cauldron, covering the meat.  Dump in the rest of the ingredients and set the temp on high hellfire.  Cover and find something to do, such as planning a real murder.  Or you could wash that Arsis shirt you’ve been wearing for 3 weeks straight, you filthy bastard. 

After about 5 hours have passed, prepare your unholy grains.  Boil them in bovine fluid, and add some goddamn salt and butter.  If you dare look within the realm of the prolonged torture cauldron, you will notice the beast meat has taken about all it can stand.  Extract and cover the dead animal and grains in the acidic gravy you have constructed.   Consume and stay close to a shitter, because bacon fat can act as a natural bowel lubricant when consumed in large quantities. 

Greasy Guido Dead Meat Sandwich, served on Faguette

 Time: All goddamn day

Feeds: 5 + Satanic soldiers 

The deceased:

• 1 hunk of bovine flesh, cheap cuts will do
• 3 cans of beef broth
• One package of Italian dressing shit mix
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp onion powder
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp basil
• 1 tbsp oregano
• 1 package of Goya Sazon
• 2 bay leaves
• 1 tsp marjoram
• 1 tbsp crushed red pepper
• 2 faguettes

Required Equipment:

• Prolonged torture cauldron

The Formula that is Fatal to the Flesh:

The Mayhem show is in town tonight, and you know the severed goat heads on sticks and hunks of rancid meat flung into the crowd will cause you to salivate and wish for steaming dead beast in between two delicious slices of bread shortly after the questionable performance.  You will also be very intoxicated, and won’t be able to properly desecrate the dead animal after the show.   Here’s what you do:

A few hours before the show, plop the hunk of dead flesh into your prolonged torture cauldron.  Dump everything else in, minus the faguettes, you dumbass.  Put the lid on, adorn your face with corpse paint, put on your biggest spiked arm bands and proceed to making the faguettes.  When the faguettes are done, leave to go to the show or else you’ll miss the obscure black metal bands that are opening!  Be sure to drink before you leave, on the way, and in the parking lot.  Beer is a goddamn rip off at the show.

 

When you return, you’ll need to figure out a way to cut the faguettes on the bias, so you have large enough pieces to make a goddamn sandwich.  Plop a bunch of meat and death fluids onto the bread and devour your goddamn greasy dead animal sandwich.  

Die Scream, Poisoned with Mint and Flecks of Filthy Grogans

Time: A long ass time

Shitlist:

• 4 cups of half and half
• 1 tbsp peppermint extract
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup sugar
• ¼ tsp salt
• 3 drops of green food coloring
• 1 ½ cups of tiny semisweet chocolate chips
• Frozen unholy water, smashed into bits
• A fuckton of giant salt crystals

Required equipment:

• Churning bucket of icy death

Procedure:

Our miserable planet is often as hot as hell.  It’s always hot in hell, but there’s really nothing you can do about it.  To curb your misery during your pointless life, you can make a delicious frozen vat of churned bovine secretions and fat flavored with various poisons and hallucinogens.  Here’s one example:

The night before you plan to actually churn your frozen mess, you’ll need to go ahead and mix up everything in the churning cylinder.  Dump everything in, minus the feces flecks.  And do not be stupid enough to dump the frozen unholy water and huge salt crystals into the cylinder.  They’re used for the persecution, not flavoring.  Probe the concoction furiously with a whisk and stash in the very back of your morgue over night to get a proper chill.

The next day, go to the morgue and extract the canister.  Place it into your churning bucket and insert the torture paddle, along with the lid.  Surround the canister with layers of the unholy ice and giant salt crystals.  Place the motor on top of the canister and get to brutalizin’. 

After you have listened to the first three tracks of Hypocrisy’s The Final Chapter, stop the brutalizin’ and add the feces.  Resume torturing your soothing Satan-serve.  When the album is over, it should be done.  You can consume as is, but it’ll melt quickly.  If you stash it in the cryogenic storage for about 4 hours, it’ll firm up.  

Faguettes

Time: 1.5 hours

The shit:

• 5 cups of bread flour
• 2 tbsp salt
• 2 cups warm unholy water
• 1 small pack of rapid rise yeast
• Some sugar
• 2 tbsp vegetable oil
• Small amount of corn meal

Required equipment:

• Automated torture device with meat hook

Fatal Formula:

Start by depositing the unholy water into a measuring cup with the sugar.  Next dump in the microscopic zombies, which will reanimate and feast upon the sugar.  After about 10 minutes, you’ll see and smell evidence of the feast and flatulence. 

Turn your hatebox to its lowest setting.  120 would be ideal, but if it doesn’t go that low, just fire it up for a few minutes then turn it off.  Next, dump 3 cups of the flour into a large bowl along with half the oil and all of the salt.  Pour in the ravenous zombies and mix with the automated torture device.  While it is mixing, add the rest of the flour.  Before long it’ll be a nasty elastic ball, being devoured by vermin. 

Coat the ball with the rest of the oil, place in the bowl and cover with a large jizz towel.  Place the covered bowl in the slightly warm hatebox and go off for about 45 minutes to work on lyrics for your mediocre metal band. 

When the flatulence of the ravenous zombies have caused your dead grain ball to double in size, extract and punch it in the face.  Preheat your hatebox to 375.  Toss some flour on the counter and get violent with the ball, stretching it and making it pay dearly.  Form it back into a ball, then slice in half with your dagger.

Next roll the two pieces into large phallic shapes.  Place the giant zombie phalluses onto an oily pan, dust with cornmeal and slit it several times, diagonally.   Torture in the searing hatebox and wait for 20 minutes.

After the time has elapsed, extract and spray with unholy water.  Place it back into the hatebox to suffer for 10 more minutes. 

When the time is up, all of the zombies will be dead once again and the phalluses will have stiffened considerably.  You may now consume with the dead animal of your choice.

Ensalada del Diablo with Retortured Beans

Time: More than 12 hours

Feeds: 2 or 3 ravenous metalheads

List:

For meat:

• 1 lb pulverized beef
• Taco seasoning
• 1 can black olives
• ½ onion, mutilated into small pieces

For pulverized fart pods:

• 2 cups beans
• A bunch of unholy water
• 1 carton of beef broth
• ½ onion, mutilated into small pieces
• 1 tsp garlic powder
• 1 tbsp cilantro
• 1 tbsp cumin
• 1 tbsp coriander
• 1 tsp cayenne
• 1 tsp black pepper
• Tobasco sauce
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp olive oil

For construction:

• Iceberg lettuce
• 4 taco shell bowls
• Sour cream
• Cheese

Required tooling:

• Immersion pulverizer
• The Sacrament:

You discover you have some goddamn dried beans that require soaking for 8-12 hours.  Sure, you can soak them, and cook them as directed, but that’s lame as shit.  Here’s a way to properly enjoy your flatulence pods the way Satan intended; with mixed with dead animal that’s been saturated in capsaicin.

Begin by soaking the beans in unholy water over night.  Most any beans will do.  I used navy because that’s what I found, but kidney beans would also be ideal.  The next day, drain and rinse.  Then add them to the pot along with the bovine juice, ½ of the onion and everything else except the oil.  Place on the hellfire generator and turn the hate heat up to high.  When the liquid in the cauldron begins to boil, causing the other ingredients to suffer, reduce the heat to medium and cover for an hour. 

After an hour as passed, remove the lid, crank the hellfire back up and begin preparing your dead animal.  Place in the pan with the rest of the onion, and add some salt.  Sear all of the pink out of the flesh, then drain the scalding fat from the deceased beast meat.  Return the meat to the pan, add the taco seasoning as directed along with some unholy water then cook over low hellfire until the juices have been absorbed.   When the meat is nearing completion, stir in the olives.

By now, the liquid your fart pods have been sweltering in should have reduced.  Extract your immersion pulverizer, add the olive oil and lay waste to the little fuckers, until they resemble vomit and feces mixed together.  Cover and turn off the hate heat. 

Next warm your taco shell bowls as directed in your hate box.  Extract and plop a spoonful of destroyed beans in the bottom.  Then shred some lettuce and put on top.  You don’t have to use lettuce, since it is typically used as a feed for flavoring the meat of animals I enjoy eating, like rabbits, but whatever.  Next add the meat to the bowl.  Add sour cream and cheese, then stir all of that shit up.  After you consume one or two of these bowls, you’ll be able to fill the air with farts that burn like fire and smell like decaying corpse.  

Hatecakes

Time: 45 minutes

Feeds: 4 soulless flesh bags bound for Hell

List:

• 1.5 cups self rising flour
• 1 tbsp sugar
• ¼ teaspoon baking soda
• One aborted chicken embryo
• ¼ cup vanilla yogurt
• ¾ cup bovine secretions
• Splash of white vinegar
• Small amount of salt
• 1 stick of bovine secretions, 2 tbsp melted
• Non-stick spray

Required tooling:

• Automated handheld torture device
• Rectangular fiery bed of death

Ritual:

If you have a rectangular fiery bed of death with its own power supply, go ahead and fire it up.  If you’re like me, and have a large rectangular fiery bed of death pan, put it across two burners and fire up some medium high hate heat beneath it.

Get a measuring cup and pour the bovine secretions in, along with the vinegar to add culture by spoiling it.  Next, add the flour, salt, sugar, baking soda, aborted bird, homosexual rotten bovine secretions with vanilla flavoring, and melted churned bovine secretions to a big ass bowl.  Sing hymns of Satan loudly as you wait for the vinegar to turn the bovine secretions rancid, then add it to the bowl.

Mutilate with your automated torture device.  If the mess is too thick, thin it with some bovine secretions.  Spray your fucking rectangular bed of death with the non-stick spray and use a flesh shovel to deposit a little more than ¼ a cup of the sickening disaster fluid onto the searing surface.  I usually cook two at a time, one over each burner. 

After tiny craters begin to develop from the unimaginable suffering the dying disc is experiencing beneath, use a large probing device to flip.  Upon extraction from the pan, put one tbsp. of butter of each hatecake and set in a warm hatebox until the entire batch has been cooked.   Carefully examine the scorch patterns on each hatecake.  If you’re one of the fortunate, a face, demonic in origin, will appear on at least one of the cakes.  This means you are held in good esteem by the ruler of the Underworld, Lord Satan.

Cover in blood from the trees of the midnight sun, and consume.

*Note the image of the disfigured, tortured face of a soul Satan 
has burned into the surface of a perfectly prepared hatecake.

Shart of the Devil with Cheesy Scornbread

Duration: 1.5 hours

Feeds: 4 degenerates

Items to be consumed:

• 1 lb pulverized beef
• 2 cans tomato sauce
• 1 can diced tomatoes
• 1 can kidney beans
• 1 tbsp Worcestershire sauce
• Couple drops of liquid smoke
• 2 tbsp chili powder
• Generous helping of hot sauce
• 1 tbsp garlic powder
• 1 onion, raped with a knife
• 1 tbsp black pepper
• Fuckton of salt
• 1 tbsp oregano

For scornbread:

Scornbread recipe

• 2 cups shredded sharp coagulated bovine secretions

The ritual:

You had plans to construct a colossal 1lb hateburger, but realize you have no starch root vegetables of any sort within your domain to accent your bloody creation.  But as luck would have it, you have all of the other shit listed.  Time to slip out a demonic shart!

Retrieve a large cauldron and fire up some medium high hate heat beneath it.  Deposit the pulverized bovine creature meat and begin browning it.  Meanwhile, rape that goddamn onion with your dagger. 

Harass the meat with your probing device.  When it has become brown, extract and strain off the scalding death fluids.  Toss the mutilated onion pieces into the remnants of cow juice sizzling in the cauldron and probe until they are translucent. 

Once all signs of life have been extinguished from the onion, dump all of the other shit in, all at once.  Stir, cover and bring to a boil.  If it’s a soupy mess, remove the cover so some of the fluid evaporates.

Start your scornbread, adding the cheese to the batter.  When it is done, your shart in the pot will be suitable for consumption.  

Hatesgiving Dressing

Cook time:  Long enough to make you hate

Feeds: A fuckton of fuckers

List for basic scornbread:

• 1 cup self rising cornmeal
• ½ cup self rising flour
• ¾ cup milk
• ½ cup sour cream
• 1 tbsp vinegar
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 2 chicken embryos
• 2 tbsp canola oil

Dressing list:

• 1 pan of cornbread, destroyed
• 6 slices of lightly toasted bread
• 1 sleeve of saltine crackers
• 7 cups of fowl fluid
• 1 stick of churned bovine secretions
• 4 eggs
• 3 stalks of celery, sliced thinly
• 1 large onion, diced
• Salt
• Pepper
• 2 tbsp sage
• 1 tbsp fowl seasoning

A word of hatred

Unlike the worthless holiday Thanksgiving, Hatesgiving is not to be celebrated on a particular day, once a year.  Any day is a good day for Hatesgiving, and you can celebrate it daily if you wish!  This will make enough dressing to feed your entourage of soulless minions while you give hate for the occasion.  It also goes well with whatever maimed and tortured animal you wish to consume.

Procedure

Before you begin, you’re going to need to make sure you have a huge fucking bowl that all of this shit will fit in.  Otherwise, you’ll be completely fucked.  The first time I made this I thought I was fucked, but I found a giant fucking bamboo salad bowl that someone discarded on my property.   Otherwise I would have had to use a 5 gallon bucket. 

Preheat your hatebox to 350.  Put some oil in a cast iron pan and put into the oven so it gets screaming hot.  Add the vinegar to the milk and let it curdle for about 10 minutes. This prevents you from having to use buttermilk, since the normal metalhead doesn’t have such an ingredient on hand. 

Next, combine and mix up all of the ingredients for the scornbread with your handheld automated torture device.  When the hatebox has reached 350, extract the pan and add the soupy mess.  It’ll scream with agony as it makes contact with the lubricated, scalding iron.  After 20 minutes have passed, stab it with a toothpick out of spite.  If it comes out clean, the shit is done.  Remove it and let it cool.   

Think of metal videos to search for on YouTube and do this for an hour.  Remember, the ones from the 80s and early 90s are funny.  Next, lightly burn your sliced bread just enough to where there is no moisture left inside.  Throw them into the big fucking bowl along with the cold and tortured scornbread. 

Use the pan you used to cook the scornbread to melt the butter.  Add your maimed vegetables and cook for about 10 minutes over medium hate until they have lost all signs of life, but do not burn.  While these unspeakable events are unfolding before you, viciously destroy your chicken menstruation sacs in a small bowl with a fork. 

Pound the bread and scornbread into dust.  Next take the crackers in the pack and smash them.  Then open the pack and pour into the bowl.  Add the spices, then the scalding vegetables.  Next add the fowl fluid, allowing it to cool the vegetables.  Finally, add the menstruation.

Take a large flesh shovel and thoroughly mix while the fictitious lord and savior in heaven weeps at your evil abomination.  Obtain a 13 X 9 baking dish and lube up with a fat of your choice.  Bacon fat is ideal, and will add some mammal to your Hatesgiving side dish.  Pour the revolting mess into the dish and smash it in as best as you can.  You will make it fit.  Place in the 350 degree hatebox and torture for 45-60 minutes. 

Extract and let cool for a few minutes.  Dig out a generous helping and devour while remembering what you’re hateful for.  

Queef Toast

Time: 30 minutes

Feeds: Just you

List:

• 2 strips of bacon
• 2 slices of bread
• 2 jumbo fowl menstruations

Ritual:

This is our take on “French toast.” However the “French” version is for the weak slaves of god, while the queef toast is for the wicked.  If you truly have hate in your heart, this recipe will fit your style. 

Obtain a medium sized cast iron pan and fry your swine strips like normal.  If you don’t know how to do this, then plunge a carving fork into your jugular, because your life is truly without purpose.  

Meanwhile, destroy the aborted birds in a medium bowl.  Disgrace the bread by allowing it to soak up the menstruation.  When the beast belly has concluded its suffering , extract.  You may set aside for later consumption, or consume while your cunt fluid-soaked bread is searing in rendered fat. 

Next, add your cunt fluid-soaked bread to the pan and fry until golden brown.  When you’re done, it’ll look like this:

Now, you have options.  You can cover in syrup and eat much like the version of the pathetic pole smokers, or you can go another route.  If you had the physical restraint to decline consuming the swine, you may use it to construct a sandwich.  Or you could put cheese and scrambled eggs in it.  Salty swine ass would be good too.  The possibilities are endless if you decide to make a disgusting sandwich.  

Dragon Sauce

Time:  10 minutes

List:

• ¾ cup of extra virgin olive oil
• ½ cup soy sauce
• ¼ cup rice vinegar
• A lot of honey
• 1 tbsp pulverized ginger
• 1 tbsp orange juice
• 2 cloves of garlic
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes

Required torture device:

Immersion pulverizer

The reckoning: 

This is primarily used as a salad dressing, but salads are gay.  You can use this shit for a variety of applications, such as grilling sea roaches or dipping Charonized fowl into. 

If you don’t have rice vinegar, use balsamic.  If you don’t have balsamic, then you’re screwed. 

Dump everything into a 2 cup measuring cup.  Destroy with the immersion pulverizer until it has browned out and thickened. 

Chill in the morgue so the multiple flavors of death can intertwine before you use it to accent your dead animal of choice.   

Sea roaches marinated in dragon sauce, impaled and 
tortured above the coals of Charon.  

Incinerated Fowl with Gravy made from Death Fluids

Time: 2.5 hours

Feeds: A couple of soulless murderers

List:

• 1 Whole chicken
• 4 tbsp butter
• Salt
• Pepper
• 1 celery stalk
• 1 sprig of rosemary
• ½ cup flour
• 2 cups chicken broth

The mutilation of the fowl:

Start by preheating your hatebox to 350 hate units.  Rid your celery of excess day laborer manure from the Mexican field in which it was grown, then slash it into three or four pieces.  Next place your dead bird into a pan.  Shove the celery, rosemary and ¾ of the butter up its large anal cavity.  Also dump a bunch of salt and pepper into its ass.  Then slather the expired animal in the remaining butter and cover in salt and pepper. 

Insert a probe thermometer into the thigh of the fowl and send it to its date with the devil by inserting it into the hate box.  Be prepared to wait an hour and a half until the fowl flesh has reached the unimaginably blistering temperature of 170 degrees.  When this occurs, extract.  Spoon out a good half cup of rendered fat into a pan along with any stray bits of skin.  Baste the bird with its own death fluids, then cover the dish with foil and allow to rest for 30 minutes.

Create a fire of medium hate beneath the pan of death fluids.  Whisk in the flour.  Continue probing with hatred for a few minutes, then add the fowl fluid.  Add some salt and pepper.  Probe until thickened.

Use your expensive meat cleaver to hack off a leg.  If there is a small child present, give it to them and exclaim it is a gift from Satan.  This will teach them to respect our Dark Lord more than Santa Claus, and will surely add a future soul to our unstoppable army against god and all that is holy.  Carve the rest of the bird with a knife and slather with the death fluid gravy.  Ingest. 

Classic Pan Seared Onion Hateburger with Fungus and Coagulated Bovine Secretions

Time: 20 minutes

Feeds: Two hungry assholes

The damned:

• 1 lb pulverized bovine meat
• 1 small onion, diced
• 4 slices of cheese, your choice
• 4 button mushrooms, sliced thick
• 4 buns
• 8 strips of bacon
• Salt
• Pepper

The ceremony of cruelty:

First, cook the bacon in a griddle or a large cast iron pan.  After the bacon has been darkened and rendered crispy, extract.  Crank the heat of your hellfire generator up to high.  Divide your pulverized beast meat into quarters and roll into balls.  Cover in salt and pepper.  Toss on top of the searing metal and smash flat with your probing device.  Carefully add the onions to each patty and smash into the screaming flesh. 

After a minute or two, flip and smash to ensure the onions are embedded into the flesh.  The side exposed to the suffering should be slightly blackened on the outside from the enormous amount of searing hate coming from below.  Use the rendered fat to singe the fungus in the vacant spaces.  Top the patties with the cheese of your choice and cover the pan with aluminum foil to ensure the coagulated bovine secretions liquefy over the flesh.  Swiss and American are good choices, but any flavorful soft cheese will work.

Meanwhile, use your death from above unit to toast the insides of the buns.  When the meat is completely void of life, extract and place onto the buns that have been slathered with condiments of your choice.  I have a severe mustard fetish, so this is a must for me, even though it makes for a hellish laundry day when I finally get around to washing sheets. 

Smash the fungus into the cheese, along with the swine belly, assuming you haven’t already accidentally consumed the delicious beast strips while anxiously awaiting the completion of the ritual.  This happens often, but as long as dead animal ends up inside of you, Satan will look the other way.  Next, use your digestive tract to metabolize this dead animal into feces.